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Situation with mil tearing my family apart(17 Posts)
Hello everyone. I'm new here but looking for some advice on a situation concerning my mil.
Quick bit about me. Mum to 3 wonderful kids. Dp, is dad to youngest and step dad to older 2 aged 8 and 5.
Mil and I always got on well (I thought) until our baby girls birth approached. I heard comments from her about 'her baby' and I have to be the first to visit, or have a picture or hold her. I found it too much but bit my tongue for arguments sake.
When dd was a few weeks old, she complained we didn't visit. I had a csection and a uterine Infection and dp can't drive :/ the first few weeks were hard.
She then was asking at 2-4 weeks old when she could have her overnight. And even got annoyed at dp for taking her out in the pushchair to school one morning because mil 'hasn't done that yet!'
I text albeit a bit rude and put her in her place. Things were ok for a bit but things kicked off again.
She haven't seen any of the kids for 9 weeks. She has told dp she wants nothing to do with me at all, but expects him to take all 3 kids up to see her still.
Dp is trying to please all parties but I'm refusing to let them go up her house without me. Why should I be excluded? Can she not be gracious to be nice for an hour or so?
Out compromise was to offer for her to see the kids at our house. It's not our intention to stop her seeing them, but we don't want the older kids to see me excluded and wonder why. She flatly refuses. Claiming ill guess I won't see them then.
What do we do? It's pulling me and dp apart and I often doubt wether im being reasonable or not.
There is alot more to this story but Ivd kept it simple. For info, this is her first grandchild. She was happy to accept my other kids, but now feel her 'blood' grandchild is more important. I'd like my kids to be treated the same
Please, please help.
Thought I would add, youngest is now nearly 6 months old x
Hi op, sounds like you're doing great. It's really really hard to stand up to manipulative family members like your mil but you are managing to stand your ground.
You are acting in the best interests of your whole family, she is just interested in herself so you are being more than reasonable.
Keep doing what you're doing!
Thanks Hun. Would really appreciate as much input from everyone as possible. I doubt myself so much and hate to see dp upset but feel the kids don't deserve to see me cast aside and wonder why
We've also offered meeting at the park x
You say there's more to it but I don't think you were reasonable sending your MIL a rude text. OK so she was being a bit overenthusiastic referring to 'her' baby and she was anxious to see your new DD when you were still sick after the birth... but two wrongs don't make a right. I think some hatchet-burying needs to happen all round.
How rude was the text you sent?
All your MIL was doing was exhibiting at worst, over enthusiastic delight regarding a new grandchild.
Really you have to be thankful that she is interested, and treats your previous children as her own.
I think you should apologise for your rudeness. her convo with her son is really none of your business, he can manage his mother by now.
I've tried to talk to her but she won't talk to me.
I was a bit rude because I didn't feel it was appropriate to ask to have a 2-4 week old baby overnight and tell her son off for taking her out in the pram. And then on top of that, get stroppy because she was told no.
Im happy to 'hatchet-bury' but not to be excluded. Why should small children witness that? X
She no longer treats my kids as her own and I've already apologies. Has she? No.
Go to see her in person. Talk it out woman to woman. Apologise for the rude text, make a fresh start and so on. When people are behaving like children, act like an adult...
Joanne, I will reiterate that I think you're doing great. I disagree with the poster who thinks you ought to be grateful that your mil treated your existing DC well, surely that's just common decency and to be expected.
Mil was not just enthusiastic and interested, she has been overbearing, controlling and entitled. I'm pretty horrified that she tells your dp off for taking his own DC out in a pram just because she hasn't done it yet! She doesn't see her DC and dgc as individuals but as property.
I think in apologising for the text, and offering to talk and clear the air you have done all that should reasonably be expected of you.
Stand your ground, and if she shows signs of compromising make encouraging noises!
Agree with pixiefrog, you are NATBU and you are right to stick to you guns, afterall how many threads are there where MIL has taken over/gone crazy and the OP hasn't addressed it, and it gets totally out of hand.
Just try to keep OH on side so she cannot come between you; she does not need or get to be first to hold/push
her your baby, or see your kids without you, you are doing absolutely the right thing. No one in their right mind asks for someone else's newborn overnight!!!
I feel sorry for the dp in the middle..although he should stand up for you if mil is in the wrong
But he can't change her so I hope you don't give him too much shit over this
Tbh I think you could do a lot worse mil wise
Smile and nod for his sake and keep bad atmosphere hidden from kids
Best of luck I know it's not easy
She is idiotic.
Stand firm. Children dont need a toxic and manipulative grandparent in their lives. She can come and visit you. As long as she excludes you, then she excludes herself from everybody.
Thanks guys. I do feel for my dp. Part of the reason I posted was to show him the messages and get thoughts of others so we could decide if what we are doing is right or fair.
He finds it hard to see this isn't normal behaviour. It's all he's ever known. I'm trying to open his eyes a little to what the rest of the world sees as 'normal' to hopefully give him strength to stand up for what's right x
Completely agree with pixiefrog. She is being completely unreasonable & that's not normal behaviour at all. It's also not right for her to insist in excluding you when you've tried to apologise. There is no way id ever let my children spend time with someone who didn't 'allow' me to be there & I think shame on your husband for even considering that approach. You both need to stand together otherwise she will come between you unfortunately.
I'd suggest trying again to invite her around but you BOTH need to make it clear that you will not be accepting unreasonable behaviour - if everyone can be reasonable then she'll be very welcome.
Good luck as its very hard when something like this comes between you - it will likely get worse if your DH doesn't stand by you.
How were you supposed to get to see her at 2-4 weeks when you had a c section if your dh doesn't drive? You're not insured to drive for 6 weeks after a section. She sounds nuts and over bearing, you and dh need to agree a strategy and stick to it, you all go or he goes alone, afterall she's his mum.
If she doesn't like that I would ask dh to explain in words of one syllable that She is unreasonable to exclude you and now treat your older dcs differently, you have apologised for being rude but in your defense you were probably knackered with a new born after a c section and with an infection! If she can't accept that then She is the one splitting the family. It's harsh but you need to stop her control now, her son chose you and you and you and the dcs come first. And...She won't get dd overnight ever.
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