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It's all a mess and I'm just so lost

(44 Posts)
ratbagcatbag Sat 06-Apr-13 01:53:12

God it would take forever to write very thing, my DH and friend sent some messages that weren't inappropriate but were getting close to crossing an line whilst I was in labour a few weeks ago. DH held handup, grovelled and friend was also told how out of order it was. DH went out tonight with friends DH, and she went for the last hr, I was so upset as I'm at home with newborn feeling completely let down by DH. I sent him ba few texts saying how upset I was, he came in drunk, md now it's all my fault, and even though he loves me, he loves me a bit less nd that's if he decides he wants us to be together. I'm sat here in tears holding my baby why he snores off some serious booze.
Don't know what I want really, my lovely DH back rather than this drunken arse that I got sad

Ouchmyhead Sat 06-Apr-13 01:57:58

Wait, so let me get this straight - whilst you were in labour, he and your friend were inappropriatly messaging? And tonight, you've been left at home with your newborn why he's gone out, and spent time on his own with her? And he comes back and tells you he loves you less? After you've just given birth to his child - and he should love you even more?!

Wow, he sounds like a tosser! I don't really know what to say to help, just that someone is out there reading your post and thinking about you and your baby. You deserve to be loved and respected and not treated like this! Hope you find a solution!

HappyGoLuckyGirl Sat 06-Apr-13 01:58:15

sad hand holding.

You poor thing, whilst you were in labour of all times!

Kick his stupid arse out for a few days, a short sharp shock may work.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Sat 06-Apr-13 01:59:48

Oh and I would definitely be having a conversation with the 'friend'. What a tramp.

ratbagcatbag Sat 06-Apr-13 02:01:37

He went out with her DH, she was picking them up, but stated for a drink, or three, the messaging was about how they needed to stop flirting as we had a baby due, my DH is a terrible flirt but it never bothered me, it was the messages saying they needed to stop. DH is angry as he says I had a go at him fir something he couldn't control, he is a tossed when drunk and can be bloody hurtful, the night out was no issue to be fair, just the outcome now.

ratbagcatbag Sat 06-Apr-13 02:03:12

Friend got a few choice messages, she told DH she was gobsmacked I'd reacted like that, as besides flirting there was nothing in it. Which I do know, it's just the acknowledgement they needed to stop made it seem more iyswim.

dondon33 Sat 06-Apr-13 02:03:17

What a pair of arseholes! both of them, texts from your H to your friend, while you were in labour, should of been about yours and DC's welfare, nothing more.
I'm not surprised your in tears having to deal with a drunken arse of a H when you're probably tired and still very hormonal just weeks after giving birth.
Try and calm yourself now, there's no point even trying to communicate with someone who is pissed, hopefully you can get some sleep with the baby and speak to him tomorrow when he's sober.
Take care

HappyGoLuckyGirl Sat 06-Apr-13 02:06:29

Yes, I know what you mean, they both knew they were acting inappropriately and confirmed so by stating they knew they should stop. Tossers.

I agree with PP, there's no use in trying to deal with this at 2am just weeks after giving birth. Try in the morning?

Ouchmyhead Sat 06-Apr-13 02:10:28

I can't believe they think it was ok to message and flirt?! I'm sorry but that is completely inappropriate. Most people flirt in passing in the day, but it's a whole different thing to be private messaging one of your friends! Definitely no point in talking to him now, just have to wait till he's sober and really tell him how much he's upset you! You need his support now, not adding to your stresses!

ratbagcatbag Sat 06-Apr-13 02:11:10

I know. Dd is playing doesn't want to sleep tonight, so is in my arms and I imagine will be until morning at which point DH, complete with killer hangover will take over, he's currently snoring his head off.
I know my DH turns into a twat when drunk, and normally I can handle it and ignore, but how do I even get over the comment, even if we stay together ill love you a little bit less sad fuck, that hurt a lot.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Sat 06-Apr-13 02:14:08

That comment was definitely uncalled for and extremely nasty to say to the mother of your newborn child.

Maybe he's feeling a little overwhelmed at the daunting prospect that is a new baby and is just acting out? Men are weird like that.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Sat 06-Apr-13 02:15:12

Has he ever said or done anything like this before? As its all very recent if I understand?

ratbagcatbag Sat 06-Apr-13 02:20:48

When drunk he can be hurtful, he's always been a flirt, never bothers me, I'm just trying to figure out how I ended up in the wrong, when I realised she was out with them having a drink I did text him, saying how's pissed off I was, and if they weren't baking a move anytime soon, the decent thing to do would be to get a taxi. I was sarcastic in my texts, but can't see how he can't see how upsetting it s.

ratbagcatbag Sat 06-Apr-13 02:24:09

He's being amazing with dd, even teary at the prospect of not being able to live with mr and see his dd less, talking of getting a solicitor to get custody (again drunk talk) but definitely not acting out because of dd. more likely the tramp across the road.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Sat 06-Apr-13 02:26:18

He's making out you're in the wrong because he's on the defensive. He knows he's being a jackass but is hardly likely to admit to it while pissed.

If I were you I'd have him out on his arse for a few days, let him stew and realise he has no right to treat you like a bloody doormat. The cheek of him going for drinks with the woman he was inappropriately messaging while you were in labour, mere weeks after you have given birth is just astonishing! He needs a wake up call. And perhaps a slap up-side the head with a wet fish. grin

HappyGoLuckyGirl Sat 06-Apr-13 02:28:27

Oh and he's delusional if he thinks any judge would give him custody of your DD after his behaviour and suspected misuse of alcohol.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Sat 06-Apr-13 10:22:59

How are you feeling today OP?

ratbagcatbag Sat 06-Apr-13 10:45:49

Crap, he woke p in the same mood as last night, it's all my fault, he's done nothing wrong and our friend is horrified she's caused a problem and she's all upset by it, apparent,y me being a control freak is the issue. sad

HappyGoLuckyGirl Sat 06-Apr-13 10:52:56

You are not being a control freak, he is being a prize prick and she seriously needs to question her morals.

Kick his sorry arse out for a few days and tell him you are not a doormat, you're the mother of his child and you deserve to be treated with love, respect and dignity, none of which he is showing you!

I'm so mad for you. angry

ImperialBlether Sat 06-Apr-13 10:57:51

Hang on a minute, what does this friend's husband have to say about it? Who the hell does she think she is, sending your husband flirty texts when you're in labour? Who the hell does he think he is doing the same and then saying you are unreasonable and he loves you a little less?

And CUSTODY? That would be enough to make me emigrate so he never saw her again.

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 06-Apr-13 11:11:38

As the mother of his child, you should be loved, respected and cherished by him.

Instead he chose to have an emotional affair - see link

He is now being defensive and nasty instead of reassuring you of his commitment sad

ratbagcatbag Sat 06-Apr-13 11:35:13

Friends husband lets stuff like that go as she's always been like it. I'm finding it so tough right now, I'm not normally a doormat and would kick his sorry arse to next week, but FFS our dd is just over three weeks and I feel completely distraught by everything. sad

ratbagcatbag Sat 06-Apr-13 11:36:21

She is the one that initiates the conversations, over and over again, he just doesn't see it the same as I do.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 06-Apr-13 11:42:50

Even if you were being a control freak (which it doesn't sound like) you should be allowed some slack for having had a baby a few weeks ago. Your hormones are still all over the place and probably will be for a couple of months yet. There's nothing less rational than a new mother. But I still think it's not you behaving badly here, at all, at all.

Anomaly Sat 06-Apr-13 14:39:09

OP I am so sorry your DH is being such an idiot. I really don't think you're doing anything wrong. I think you need some real life support. If you don't want to speak to family or friends, consider talking to your health visitor. It is such a tough time in those early baby days and you need support not having to deal with such insensitive behaviour.

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