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How do I move forward? it feels impossible right now.

(13 Posts)
dondon33 Sat 06-Apr-13 01:24:57

To keep a long story fairly short....
Left 'P' of 3.5 years some 17 days ago, everything was ok, we were ttc for a few months before, some arguing and some tiny bits of mild EA throughout the relationship but nothing too bad.
Just finished 3rd attempt ttc, arguments a few days later with some things being said that can't really be unsaid now also first time minor DV... we slept seperately for almost a week and I knew it was over (EX subjected me to 16 years of pure hell) So I packed up, booked a flight home (back to UK) and left.
He follows, less than a week later to try and get me to change my mind/speak to me/apologise. While here he became ill and as I'm the only person he can ask for help (parents in another part of country and work) I went to him until they could come here - I made it clear both before he returned and on his return that NOTHING would change my mind about the relationship but as a human with a heart and a genuine concern for him - I would help. I don't hate him at all and while I knew it would be a difficult situation I wasn't prepared for just how difficult.
For 10 days we somehow managed together, the first 5/6 were emotionally less draining as he was on sedative medication so mostly slept/was in a sleepy state but the last few days he started to want to 'talk' there was a lot of emotional distress from both of us but I stayed strong and reitterated what was happening, which he seemed to accept but then today came........
He knew I was definitely going today (parents were arriving teatime) we both didn't know how to act with each other - I'd been weepy all morning, couldn't look at him but he, until I received the text to say I was getting picked up, had appeared calm (medication controlled I think) then it just all went hysterical - both sobbing, him begging, telling me he'll give me more time, he loves me and always will, more apologies......

we physically couldn't pull apart when I had to leave and as I looked at him as I walked away he just looked broken.
My poor step dad didn't know what to do with me when he picked me up, I was inconsolable in the car driving away.
Many times I wanted to listen to my heart and say Fuck it! stay! but something was stronger inside of me and it kept me strong.

I still feel I made the right decision but this is the first time I've had to walk away from someone who I still deeply love and care for but can't be with them anymore - it's tearing me apart, my heart is broken and its so very painful sad I'm sure I've cried enough tears today to fill a pond and I'm under no illusion that over the coming days I'll not cry more to fill another.

Like I said in the title it feels impossible to think that I can move on from this - I don't even know how to begin? It all feels so brutal, so severe, all our dreams and our future we spoke about - just gone sad

Sorry! it ended up not 'fairly short' I just needed to get it all out.

dondon33 Sat 06-Apr-13 01:29:53

Going to go attempt some sleep, got to see the sister off bright and early in the morning. She's been visiting Mum for a few days and returns home tomorrow.
Will check back tomorrow, if sleep comes/later if it doesn't.

TimidLivid Sat 06-Apr-13 01:42:07

It sounds like u did the right thing and hopfully the pain should fade, dv isn't minor it gets worse at least u were kind to him when he was ill and can move on knowing u have done the right thing and not been cruel

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 06-Apr-13 07:51:03

Best answer for how to move on is to keep busy and have plenty of things to divert you. Because it's your decision rather than imposed by someone else and because you know it's the right one, that will help a lot. Be with people who are happy to listen and offer support. Be with people who make you laugh and make you feel better about yourself. Takes a bit of effort but it does get better eventually.

dondon33 Sat 06-Apr-13 10:11:33

Thanks both,
I'm feeling slightly better this morning but it's probably not possible to feel any worse than I did yesterday.
Today he'll be going to the other side of the country with his parents, instead of him only living roughly 1 mile from me, then next week he'll be flying back to his country - putting some real distance between us, I'm hoping that will help too.

dondon33 Sat 06-Apr-13 16:50:22

Bah!! to slightly better.... I'm struggling like hell at the minute, very weepy and emotional, just can't seem to pull my bloody self together. I'm trying, I really am, to be easy on myself and expect it but why is it so hard sad

cappuccinodays Sat 06-Apr-13 17:17:17

Do you really "know" it is over. you have gone from ttc to going to be living in different countries. a bit of a shock to the system to say the least. Why do you know it is over? Was it the "minor" dv? EA?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 06-Apr-13 17:23:45

" why is it so hard"

Regrets. What might have been. Hopes and dreams come to nought. Nostalgia for the good times.... Even if you've done the right thing and it's a good decision, it doesn't stop it hurting. Rather than thinking you should be able to throw this off without missing a stride, allow yourself some time to be upset and embrace it. Berating yourself for being emotional only adds to the pain.

dondon33 Sat 06-Apr-13 19:47:11

Cap Yes to the DV.... he knew about my history and after I split with my ex abusive fist handy bastard H I made a promise to myself that no man would EVER make me feel frightened or hurt me ever again.
He crossed the line = it was over.

Cogito Yep, thats what I'm really struggling with - the What might/should have been and I know he is too.
I know I need time for it all to sink in but it hurts so much, I think I'm angry with myself in a ' you wanted this, you got it. Now deal with it' sort of way.

Thank you both for replying xx

skyebluesapphire Sat 06-Apr-13 23:43:47

sorry that you are feeling like this. if you are certain that it is over, then the main thing i suppose is to make sure that you dont have any contact with him.

its an old cliche, that time is a healer, but it is the only way when you are heartbroken. you know that I have been going round in circles somewhat, but I have moved on to a certain degree.

it is the loss of the future that you thought you were going to have, that hurts so much. and just because you are doing the sensible thing that your head tells you, it doesnt mean that your heart understands (god, I sound like Billy Ray Cyrus now!).

if you feel yourself lapsing, remind yourself of the reasons why you did it. maybe write them down and stick them to the fridge or something

dondon33 Sun 07-Apr-13 17:36:47

god, I sound like Billy Ray Cyrus now!
smile that made me laugh.

I agree with what you've said - my heart definitely doesn't understand nor, at the moment, accept it.

I'm trying to keep in my mind why I ended it - maybe I will write everything down to keep reminding myself as you know what it's like when you love and miss someone = you remember all of the good times , not always the bad.

That's another thing - we don't want to end contact completely - he's made a huge mistake which has ultimately had a huge impact on both of our lives but we intend to at least try and remain friends at some later point.
We agreed that we need a few months of zero contact, unless absolutely neccessary, then we'll maybe try - I don't know how this could go - absolutely no going back to a relationship but friends is an option - if it's too difficult for us then obviously we will have to rethink it and cut ties completely - but that's for later.
I forgive him for what happened as a friend but never could as a partner, if that makes sense.

skyebluesapphire Sun 07-Apr-13 17:43:26

It's your choice obviously about future contact, but yes certainly for now you should go no contact as its hard to move on while still communicating all the time.

Only time will tell if you can salvage a friendship from it.

AutumnDreams Mon 08-Apr-13 00:27:36

I am so sorry to read this Dondon. Added to the fact that DV has shown it`s ugly head, there`s the loss of all your hopes and dreams, which I know you felt were just within your reach.

I truly admire the speed with which you acted, thus showing how strong you can be, and that you are never going to be a victim again. You know you have done the right, the only, thing you could do, for you. You also know that DV only ever escalates. You have been brave enough to stop it in it`s tracks. Now you are faced with the grieving process for your relationship, and that has to be gone through, painful though it is. Time, new interests now that you are back in the UK may help. Also, the support of friends and family will also help.

You have shown more than enough self awareness by doing the right thing. That same awareness will eventually guide you through the inevitable heartache. I don`t, however, think that this process will be helped at all, by maintaining contact with the man, who despite your love for him, is a perpetrator, and has betrayed your trust. Be strong, and continue along the road you have started on. You will eventually get to where you deserve to be.

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