Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Help me stop pushing him away!

(4 Posts)
Ouchmyhead Fri 05-Apr-13 23:52:16

Hello, I'm hoping you lovely strangers will be able to give me a bit of advice and perspective, and stop me treating my DP like rubbish. Ill try be succinct!

We have been together 4 and a half years, we are getting married in December. We have been TTC for 2 years now but due to my Crohn's and PCOS this hasn't happened yet. I have been very ill for the past 3 months, I haven't recently been discharged from hospital after a 16 day stay and I'm due to have a permanent stoma bag on the 27th April. I am too ill to work, to leave the house alone, I rely on him for everything - money, help, support, sometimes even washing. I am 24 years old.

I'm on a lot of medication, including steroids (I've been on these 3 months so far), they are known for making me a little crazy, but I am really being horrible to him. I'm crying, causing arguments over stupid things, telling him to leave me because I'm so useless. He has been nothing but amazing. He never brings me down, always tells me how beautiful I am, he does everything for me and provides everything for me without ever bringing me down, it's never been an issue!

Until I make it an issue. Until I pick at him, asking him why he's with me, crying, shouting, I'm honestly going insane. It's easy for me to say this to strangers but for some reason I'm just taking all my scared, bad thoughts on him and its not fair, because I love him so much, and he loves me and I shouldn't be being so horrible!

What can I do?

dondon33 Sat 06-Apr-13 02:15:30

You've got to accept that he's with you because he loves you and wants to be with you. If you don't then your inner anger and the resentment towards your medical conditions will ruin the relationship. (of course, I'm not saying you shouldn't feel either but they need to be controlled)
He sounds like a keeper honey - go speak to your GP and explain what's happening to you.
Good luck x

something2say Sat 06-Apr-13 07:27:48

Yes, spend time thinking it through and looking at your own actions and see if you keep coming up against the same brick wall, where you are in the wrong.

I was in this situation a while back, kept being off key to my partner for my own insecurities.

So what I did was hash it out with a counsellor and come to a basic understanding of what was going on for me. I then set abou putting strategies into place to sort those things out. What I do is, I do this thing called tapping in the mornings, where I repeat a phrase while tapping parts of my body where the energy lines are. It started off a positive feeling and so whenever I tap now, the same positive feelings come along. In the evening I do positive affirmations. I wrote a load our and folded them up and each day I pick one out of a bowl and sit and chant it. It makes me feel better saying that I am loved and safe, or that I haven't loving relations and what ELSE am I creating alongside that? Finally when I g o to bed I do this self esteem building exercise where I have to say I am pleased with myself today because I did - and then think of ten things.

Man or no man we have to be happy. Or at least have an eye on our own security.

I wonder whether your illness got you down? And I wonder what a positive mindset will do for your illness too?

Good luck xx

Pigglesworth Sat 06-Apr-13 23:32:03

I have had ulcerative colitis since I was a child and have been hospitalised for it a few times, been on a number of courses of steroids (I can't take steroids anymore as I've had them too often), etc.

I wouldn't underestimate the psychological impact of having no control over your body, pain and having to go to the toilet a lot, the foggy brain that often comes with IBD, an upcoming surgery that you probably dreaded having to have and that will permanently change your body image/appearance (but at the same time you may have come to terms with the fact that it may be your only chance at a relief of symptoms), the disappointment of trying to conceive and not succeeding and blaming yourself for that. Plus obviously the personality and physical changes that have likely come along with steroids. And long stays in hospital can have a negative psychological impact, they do for me I know, I leave feeling more passive and like a "patient" and like illness forms a greater part of my identity.

It sounds like your partner is your only emotional outlet for these feelings you're having at the moment. Do you have friends, family, a counsellor who specialises in chronic illness, or a diary that you can use as your emotional outlet instead? Perhaps you are battling with feelings that you are not "good enough" for your partner, that you are holding him back, and maybe part of the reason you're behaving like this is so that you might push him into starting to feel that way too so that he can leave if he wants to, relieving some of your guilt.

All just speculation. But it sounds like it would help you to first accept that he makes his own decisions and he's decided to commit to you, he loves you. Let him make his decisions, you don't need to feel guilty. Second, it is good to express your feelings but perhaps you need to find someone/something else to express these feelings to as what's currently happening seems to be damaging your relationship - a simple starting point is using a diary instead. Or finding some other outlets like walks, exercise bike, painting, writing poetry, etc. I know you're sick so I'm not sure how viable exercise is as an option but it will help to lift your mood.

Finally, I have found a way of managing my symptoms through a diet called the Specific Carbohydrate Diet (plus I still take my medication). I found out about this diet via Google after being threatened with having to have my colon removed after intravenous steroids initially didn't work. Thankfully I have never been that sick since, and have stayed out of hospital since. I have told other people with Inflammatory Bowel Disease Conditions, including Crohn's disease, about this diet and those who have taken it up have also found that this has managed their symptoms. While you have still not yet had your permanent stoma surgery I feel ethically obliged to tell you about this option as it may help within the 3 or so weeks you have remaining before the surgery, possibly meaning that you may reconsider the need for the surgery. I know what a big deal that surgery is, especially psychologically, but also obviously physically. (At the same time I want to emphasise that you have the right to do whatever you need to do to manage your disease, obviously!) Here are links to the book with 400+ mainly rave reviews from other people with IBD:

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: