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Am i being unreasonable??

(45 Posts)
SarahJane1324 Fri 05-Apr-13 22:11:34

Hello.. sorry for the essay but i need to lay it out... please respond with both sides in mind as best and as honestly as i can put it.

I am 22, my partner for 2 years is 40. We have an 11 month old boy who i love with all my heart. I am a full time mother, my partner owns a business with his ex wife (who he has 2 children with) whom he sees everyday monday to friday and he works from 8am until he comes home at 8:30 sometimes 11 due to private jobs he takes on. i occasionally see a couple of friends during the week for short periods of time but i am still looking after our son so in mother mode i guess. As i am young and used to go out a lot with my friends, i have calmed down considerably since having {edited} our son). I am a great doting mother and my partner works hard to support us and his other family, and he does do that well and understandably is under a lot of pressure in the current economic/ financial climate.

There are a lot of problems with our relationship, its turbulent and fine for a while but the same arguments re-accur..mainly due to his opinionated Ex and pressures of his work and his anger issues (he can be very aggressive and sometimes close to violence). We have had a massive row once again about the fact that once a week i would like to see my friends for a few drinks round the corner in the local pub, harmless and i certainly love my family so never act like I'm single. I have on occasions come in late around 2-3 but its sometimes been hard to get out of my old habits of being young and a student (recently graduated)... But he thinks this is unacceptable and taking the piss because thats too much to go out once a week, even if i promise to be back before 1. He knows who i am with but because he doesn't have time (work etc.) to make more friends, i feel he is resentful that i do have friends and really need to interact once a week because i work hard during the week... he had all washing cleaning etc. done and food on the table every night, even when he comes home at 11pm i cook. He shouts and yells and slammed doors in front of our son which makes me cry because i hate him being witness to that... i keep my voice down but he cannot control his temper and rage. When i cry he storms out quote "pathetic" and doesn't "suffer fools gladly" (had an insensitive mother growing up". I try to understand why he reacts like this but am finding it difficult being with a man that has before had me oiled down so hard that my chest was bruised and said he was gonna "kill you you cunt". I feel like all the resentment i hold over his business with his ex wife and things i can't talk to him about because of his anger, i need to see friends once a week because otherwise i feel trapped and isolated. Is this too much to ask for? am i being unreasonable? I asked him to bring me a compromise and tell me how much he thinks i should go out but he refused and said i was putting him on the spot and how dare i do that. Please give me some advice on how to manage all of this. I will not have my son bear witness to this... jumping out of his skin and sitting on the floor in the corridor looking both easy confused because he doesn't understand or know which way to go. It literally rips my heart out of my chest but i don't want him to see me cry either, Please help.

Kyrptonite Fri 05-Apr-13 22:13:45

Leave him. Don't hang about. Leave him now before your son grows up seeing his dad beat and terrify his mother.

Passmethecrisps Fri 05-Apr-13 22:15:07

There is a lot to this.

I am concerned about the 'close to violent' comment when it would appear that he has been more than close. How close does it have to be?

OldBagWantsNewBag Fri 05-Apr-13 22:15:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SkinnybitchWannabe Fri 05-Apr-13 22:15:23

Leave him. Take your lad and go.
Good luck x

LingDiLong Fri 05-Apr-13 22:16:03

How do you manage all this? You get out. Please, please, get out of this horrible, abusive relationship. Start making plans, take one small step to escape...maybe call Woman's Aid for advice?

This is a horrible, toxic home for your child to grow up in - he and YOU deserve a hell of a lot better.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Fri 05-Apr-13 22:16:34

Contact Women's Aid. And make plans to leave.

Passmethecrisps Fri 05-Apr-13 22:17:27

You are young and entitled to a group of friends. Regularity and times are personal (I am much too old and knackered to be out beyond 11pm personally) but I imagine you were a sociable, fun person when he met you. What was he like when you met him?

StitchAteMySleep Fri 05-Apr-13 22:19:38

He held you down and said "kill you cunt"?

Leave just leave.

No child should have to witness their father abusing their mother.

I am reporting your post as you have mentioned names which identify you.

Please phone Women's Aid on. 0808 2000 247 and speak to your family and RL friends for support.

quoteunquote Fri 05-Apr-13 22:21:19

Please ask MN to remove the identifying details and put this in relationships,

You do not have to live like this, you are not doing anything wrong, please do not stay where someone treats you like this.

yaimee Fri 05-Apr-13 22:21:54

You need to leave. He is controlling and abusive. I know it's difficult as you have a young family with him, but please be strong and put your son and yourself first!

FriggFRIGG Fri 05-Apr-13 22:25:35

Leave him.

Take your son and leave.
Take your passports,your birth certificates,and any small personal things,don't tell him you are leaving,just go.

No man is worth this.

SarahJane1324 Fri 05-Apr-13 22:27:15

oiled= pinned some spelling mistakes...

SarahJane1324 Fri 05-Apr-13 22:32:30

i know what your saying is true but i also am finding it hard to get across that he sometimes can be so nice its like another person... i know a lot of this is because i am young and he maybe feels like i should give up all of this going out, but i feel like i really need to go out even if it is once a week. Its making me cry reading your responses because i am yet again doubting if i should listen to what people tell me when they don't know either of us, but i also can't bear this situation.. have been with abusive people in the past and therefore have less control or knowledge of what is right or wrong due to the fact my defences are down and i have lost sight of how to deal with arguments like this. He hasn't hit me, just lost his temper so much that he now scares me because i feel he is capable of it... and he thinks that if a woman hits a man he should hit her back... i don't think its right wither way but surely a man hitting a woman is never acceptable. My mum says maybe this is what men are like these days and she doesnt know what to suggest... i am so lost

ShiftyFades Fri 05-Apr-13 22:32:31

You need to get out as fast as you can. Do you have family you can go to?
These threats of violence will only increase and one day he will hurt you, maybe even your son.

Get out now, take all your personal documents and your sons.

You need to be strong for yourself and your baby xxx

ImagineJL Fri 05-Apr-13 22:34:25

Get out now.

Your son will grow up thinking its normal for men to abuse women.

And don't let him excuse his behaviour by playing the stress card. Many people are under huge stress and never become close to being violent.

LingDiLong Fri 05-Apr-13 22:36:19

No. None of this is because you are young. None of this is even because you want to go out. If you got rid of that issue another one would replace it because the problem is HIM. He is abusive and he would be abusive no matter what you did.

The fact that he makes you feel threatened and is verbally abusive is a big enough problem in itself, please don't hang around because he hasn't actually hit you. Yet.

littlebitofthislittlebitofthat Fri 05-Apr-13 22:37:03

I understand the two person situation, but you cant ensure that your son will only see the good side, can you?

Leave him sweetie, it will be hard, but you are strong enough.

OliviaMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 05-Apr-13 22:37:32

Hi there
Do let us know if you'd like us to move this to relationships won't you

SanityClause Fri 05-Apr-13 22:39:26

Of course he's nice sometimes, or you'd never stick with him.

Are you, in fact, hanging on, hoping for the little crumbs of "niceness" he deigns to throw at you? Is that what you really want?

Ask for this to be moved to Relationships, or start a new thread there.

He is abusive, and you need to get out of this terrible situation.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Fri 05-Apr-13 22:41:01

Of course he's lovely sometimes, otherwise you'd see sooner that he's abusing you. If all he had ever done was snarl and swear, you wouldn't have stayed past the first date, would you? But now you're more vulnerable, with a baby, he can show the nasty side more often, and he thinks you don't know how to leave.

But there are plenty of non-vulnerable women out here willing to help.

You can do it.

ImagineJL Fri 05-Apr-13 22:42:57

I am 45 so a similar age to him. I can assure you that this is NOT what "men are like these days".

Only abusive men are like this, always have been, always will be, it hasn't changed and never will.

Kleptronic Fri 05-Apr-13 22:43:30

If a friend told you these things, what would you say?

This man is abusing you and no good will come of it.

You don't deserve to be treated like this, no matter how nice he is at other times, this person is toxic.

He is hurting you emotionally and mentally and most likely will physically hurt you.

It is possible he will hurt your child.

Get your stuff and your baby's stuff and get out. Put yourself and your child in a safe place. Be your own friend, now, take care of yourself.

All power to you <hug>

PiHigh Fri 05-Apr-13 22:43:39

He "can be so nice" because it's his way of keeping you doubting yourself. Leave, you're not imagining it, you're not over-reacting.

Get out.

MrsCosmopilite Fri 05-Apr-13 22:43:52

Your age has nothing to do with anything, and certainly not to do with your expectations. Proper, caring men do not behave like this.

Many posters here who will give you very good advice and practical solutions, I'm sure. But I doubt any of them will not say leave, with your child, as soon as you can.

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