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I think I've decided I want out.

(4 Posts)

I@ve not been on here properly for a long time. I need to use this board to sort my head out and will try not to drip feed.
My husband is a low-level transvestite (will refer to as XD from now on...). He is a depressive and uses it to help keep his depression at bay, it lifts his moods etc. I didn't know this when we got married. I am 19 years younger than him, was a virgin when we married, no sign of XD until after we were married. I went along with it, have never really enjoyed sex with him, never had mind-blowing sex etc... I probably shouldn't have married him, I was inexperienced. He does it at night (my eldest son has seen him in women's clothes, but not tights/high heels full monty... but skirst, tights, tops, etc) or first thing in the morning to lift his mood.
I'm not blaming him for my choices, mind you - just giving context.
Scroll forward 15 years, 3 kids, 11,6,5.
We have had many rows about XD, although I have no issue with men doing it, it is something I find unattractive in my partner. He knows this, has tried to stop but gets even more? Fucking lucky me depressed, so I've bitten the bullet and - I guess - given it my go ahead. I have tried to accept it, be happy with the marriage
I think I have just about had enough now. I told him at Xmas that I really couldn't sleep with him anymore and tried - as nicely as it is possible to say it - to say that the XD has just killed all desire for him in me. I dare say that there might not have been much. If I was a shit to marry him, well condemn me for it, there it is. I had no idea it was there and frankly, my opinion is that he was fucking selfish and manipulative to have not told me before we got married. (I may sound a bitch, but I've had 15 yrs of this, it build up, what can I tell you?)

Fast forward.... I thought we could live as friends. I do like him, he is a good man and a good father to our children. But he has gotten SO OLD recently, I know he is depressed with all the stuff about our marriage conversation - I don't blame him - but I find myself thinking 'I don't think I care anymore'. I have tried SO HARD to love him, be in love with him, desire him - and I just can't.

I'm having meltdowns inside. I burst into tears on a fairly regular basis, am holding it together for most people on the outside - I'm an extremely successful professional - I have told one friend who will never meet him - and my doctor today - when I cried so much that all sorts of shit came out of my nose / mascara flying everywhere - it wasn't a good look.

How do I know it's over? I just don't feel like I can take any more of this. I don't think that living with him is going to work, even if it means splitting up the childrens' home.

How do you know? It'll be hard financially, but I just think 'I think I'll be happier on my own'. Does this mean we're through?

The doctor asked me about counselling. I talked it thorugh with him and said that I don't know whether I want to - it will not restore any sexual desire for him within me, he can now XD or not XD - it makes no difference any more.

I think that's it. I just don't care any more.

Jesus, MNers - have any of you been here? How do I know it's over? I read that 'what was the last straw' thread - and I thought to myself... 'for me, it's been a long, slow death by a million cuts - and now it's here'.

ANy words of wisdom? I'm truly sorry this is so long, but I just sure could do with some advice.

Cabrinha Fri 05-Apr-13 20:34:32

No experience, but didn't want to read and run. I'm sorry. It does sound like you have decided it IS over though.
The feeling that he can XD or not XD, you don't care... That sounds like you've given up now.
Which is absolutely your right, sounds like you have had an incredibly stressful marriage all these years.
If I were you, I'd end it. But then, I'm high on he lightness of chucking mine 5 days ago, for his prostitute use. You know you did the right thing, 5 seconds later when despite ALL the stuff to come, you just feel a bit lighter.
Good luck x

Cabrinha, you know, when you write about feeling 'lighter' - that is what worries me. I think it would be terrible, sorting out ALL the shit that is going to happen, but actually, I think relief would be an overweening sensation.

I saw your post, btw. The bit about not being good in bed. Yes. That bit too - I hear your pain. His ex gf said he was the best she'd ever had. Hm.

I appreciate the time you took x

HansieMom Fri 05-Apr-13 20:44:51

You know, I think he was using you. You were young, inexperienced. Someone his age who had had a few relationships would not want to be with him. Sex with him was not mind blowing, but how were you to know, you did not have anything to compare it to. So he got himself a "cover"--wife, children, he was a man and see, he has a family to prove it. He got the best years of your life. He tricked you. Now it is time for you to have a normal life. You can be free of him, enjoy being single, chances are you will meet some lovely men in time. There is a lot out there just waiting for you.

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