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He won't accept that we are over - anyone else been here?

(13 Posts)
chocmallow Fri 05-Apr-13 19:12:26

Namechanged. I told my H that I wanted to separate in December. I have been unhappy in the marriage for 2/3 years. There has been some VA in the relationship (this stopped after we went to Relate 2 years ago) and when he had a drink it was awful - swaying between being abusive and being all over me, just horrible sad This is not the first time I've told him that I wanted to separate but I wasn't going to be talked around a second time.

My H didn't take it well and the following months have been horrendous. He is up and down like a yo-yo, crying on the phone, etc. I understand that this has been a shock for him but I feel like I am being emotionally blackmailed. He moved into his own place 2 weeks ago we and have been having mediation to sort out the finances, etc. I am staying in the family home with our 2 DCs.

He is now saying he doesn't want to continue with mediation as he feels he is being forced into a situation he doesn't want (us splitting up) so I will now have to instruct my solicitor to start divorce proceedings - I feel frustrated because I know I'll be spending money on a solictior for more or less the same agreement we would have through mediation.

I don't want to tell half a story. I started EA with another man before our mariage ended. He was there when I needed someone to talk to and as my H didn't show any interest in me and we basically lived separate lives I guess I got sucked in by the attention. My marriage ending has nothing to do with the OM, we are just friends and have agreed that's all we can ever be. He just gave me the confidence I needed to go it alone. My H knows about the EA and of course it's not helped but he knows we haven't had a good relationship for a long time, he's just buried his head in the sand, happy to plod on as long as his tea was on the table and he could do what he pleased.

We are meeting without the DCs somewhere neutral on Sunday as he wants to talk. I know he is going to beg me for another chance. I know he will probably get upset and then nasty. I don't love him, I don't want to be with him and I wish he would just stop with the nice/nasty act. Should I even meet with him or just start with the divorce?

Loulybelle Fri 05-Apr-13 19:18:06

I would just start with the divorce, you can make it any clearer than you have.

RedBushedT Fri 05-Apr-13 19:54:49

I agree with Loubelle. my ex husband wouldn't accept it. in fact, even when the decree nisi came through he said he knew we'd get back together one day!
He's stopped saying that since I pushed ahead with the absolute though.
Just press on with the divorce and be very determined in moving on with your own separate life. He will accept it eventually

What are you looking for from your husband? His approval for your decisions? It isn't going to happen.
Do this on your own if needs be. But do it anyway. Yeah, so the EA wasn't ideal but there you go. It happened, it has no bearing on what you are going to do now.
I can't stress this enough - it has a bearing on my own marriage. DON'T wait for your husband - who will be hurt by your decisions - to validate them. If you are sure you're doing the right thing, then go ahead and do it anyway. Be strong and serve divorce papers. He must deal with it as he sees fit.
Very best of luck.

chocmallow Fri 05-Apr-13 20:41:06

Thank you for your replies.

I think I am just feeling guilty at seeing someone in so much pain. It's definitely over for me. I thought that confessing my EA would help him to move on but all it's done is hurt him more.

I just need to think about how bad he has made me feel, cancel Sunday and ring my solicitor. Thanks again.

flurp Fri 05-Apr-13 20:45:42

Meeting him won't do any good. It will give him false hope.
You've made your decision so go ahead with the divorce and keep all contact to a minimum.

Loulybelle Fri 05-Apr-13 20:48:44

Theres fault on both parts, his verbal abuse, and your emotional affair to an extent, i dont think this is a marriage that can be salvaged, you dont love him, so keeping away is the best for both parties.

catkin14 Sat 06-Apr-13 00:42:17

I am in the same place as you chocmallow
I left my critical verbally abusive H 3 weeks ago. He says he is lost without his family - this is the one he never had anything to do with unless he felt like it - that there is no point to life anymore and spends his life in tears.
Its very hard to not give in and say ok i will go back but it would be a disaster because I dont love him and i hope he will find someone who loves him just the way he is. Everyone deserves to be happy.
I too find it easier when i dont have to have anything to do with him because when i do i just feel guilty cos that is how hes always made me feel..
So i agree with everyone else that has said go through solicitor and get it over with. you cant change how you feel so you may as well get it over with as quickly as possible. Good luck x

garlicballs Sat 06-Apr-13 00:58:08

I agree, just move things on in a pragmatic fashion. You are not responsible for his feelings. Tough but there it is.

Two things which should be obvious, but may not be:
You can cite examples of his being drunk and bad-tempered as 'cause'. The court doesn't need your life story.
It's helpful to focus intensely on you - how you feel, your needs, your comforts (ie, don't look to others; do it for yourself).

Take care, and good luck! He'll probably calm down a bit once he's found some daft women to soothe him got used to the idea.
Eat food. x

jenny99 Sat 06-Apr-13 07:04:09

I'm in a similar place. I've dm'd you x

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 06-Apr-13 08:33:10

"I think I am just feeling guilty at seeing someone in so much pain"

He's guilt-tripping you. Time to ignore the poor me act and see your solicitor. It'll only cost money if he disagrees and is awkward about things. Does he have a lot of money especially or does he have an incentive to decide things quickly?

SolidGoldBrass Sat 06-Apr-13 09:41:57

He had his chance to stop being an arsehole and treat you well. He failed to do so. DOn't beat yourself up for having an EA, thats' a perfectly rational response to living with an arsehole. Basically, ignore him. You do not need his permission to get rid of him. If he won't cooperate with mediation, just carry on with the divorce.

And if he becomes aggressive or harasses you, involve the police. Best of luck.

chocmallow Sat 06-Apr-13 18:38:41

Thanks for the advice girls I really appreciate it. I am going to sign off now as H has seen this thread and I don't want things to get any worse.

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