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I don't really like my friend.

(8 Posts)
SteamPink Fri 05-Apr-13 14:16:46

To set the scene: friend X is my best friend of years. We used to live together and have lots in common and great fun together. She moved 100 miles away two years ago and now I see her about every two months.

Friend Y lives in my city, and is friends with X from when she lived here too. Y is a nice person, but quite different to X and I. Since X moved away, Y has wanted to be involved every time I meet up with X, and to be honest I hate it. She came to a festival and wanted to go to bed early every night, patronised me saying I am too drunk and tried to take me home from a party (I was with lots of friends and completely safe), asked to come on holiday with us then completely steamrollered our plans because she couldn't afford them so we had to stay in a hostel instead of a nice hotel, and so on. She's also quite passive-aggressive - she wheedles and sulks instead of just asking for things her way. If she doesn't get her own way, she makes the atmosphere horrible. I do like her in small doses but I don't ever want to spend days stuck with her again, and usually mine and X's meet ups are for a weekend or longer due to distance.

X is really easy-going and when asked, will always tell Y our plans. I really want to be able to spend time with X, without Y there being a killjoy. X likes Y and wouldn't want to upset her (nor do I).

What can I do? Am I just being a bitch?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 05-Apr-13 14:23:58

If X is easy going and likes Y's company enough to keep inviting her along (or letting her invite herself along) then I think the person to tackle is X. Be honest with them about not liking Y so much and take it from there.

SteamPink Fri 05-Apr-13 14:27:38

Whoops thought this was AIBU. I feel like asking X to keep our plans secret would seem really mean?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 05-Apr-13 14:31:16

Don't ask her to lie or keep secrets, just tell her that you find Y a PITA and would rather not be included in things she's invited along to. NB... the risk is always that X prefers Y to you and that you'll be the one excluded from the festivals and parties etc. But that's just a chance you take.

SteamPink Fri 05-Apr-13 14:56:48

I don't think that would happen - whenever we get together it's always mine and X's plans, then Y ends up tagging along. X & Y have made plans together twice without me in two years and both times neither of them enjoyed it, actually. I'm going to have to bite the bullet next time!

EldritchCleavage Fri 05-Apr-13 16:45:43

It's not mean to add your wants and needs into the mix. X likes to have Y around. Y doesn't seem to have any difficulty saying doing things to get what she wants. No reason you should be different. It's a matter of compromise by all three of you.

Springdiva Fri 05-Apr-13 18:33:44

the risk is always that X prefers Y to you and that you'll be the one excluded

Or that X is too soft to deal with pushy Y and you are stuck with both of them or none.

Say to X what you feel, as suggested above, but be prepared for a change in your relationship with her.

AllDirections Fri 05-Apr-13 18:43:26

If you organise an event/activity and X wants to come along then just make it clear what the plans are, e.g. staying in a hotel, staying out late, etc. and don't budge on the arrangements.

If Y organises an event/activity then she can say what the arrangements are and you can choose whether to join in or not.

It's not fair that you're accomodating what she wants all the time. I hate it when you organise something with friends and then one person wants everything changing. I got so sick of paying to do things that I didn't really want to do that I've got tougher about saying no, these are the plans and we're sticking to them. But I would always tell friends that if they want to do what Y wants to do then I'm happy to sit this one out.

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