Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Dh and sensual massage!

(147 Posts)
Cuddlemedolly Fri 05-Apr-13 10:33:44

My dh was abroad with work a few weeks ago. I was playing on his phone and found that he had been for a sensual massage. He didn't mention it to me at all. He had clearly researched to find a place that offered this certain type of massage (you normally have to be naked and it is described as being sensual etc). Quite often if you type in the massage into google you will get some 'erotic' massage places come up. He had looked at these sites too. Although lots of places offer these massages without being dodgy.

He didn't mention having the massage at all and there has been plenty of opportunity too. I have raised it with him, he got quite defensive and said he didn't tell me because it would have looked dodgy and although he had this type if massage he went to a legitimate place where it was all above board.

I'm not sure what I'm asking really. What would you think? He has had a sensual massage and deliberately kept it from me. He wanted to book me a treatment recently and suggested this type of massage, but when I looked into it, nowhere really does them and they are quite sensual, so I declined. Not once did he say he had had one whilst away.

The above sounds mad. Am I being paranoid!

Cuddlemedolly Fri 05-Apr-13 17:31:50

I don't know if he searched 'sensual massage'. I think he searched a certain type of massage and lots of things came back. He looked at lots if dodgy sites but said he had a massage at a legitimate place but never mentioned it. Ffs what should I believe! He gave me the site for where he went and it appears legitimate. Now what? Do I believe him?

Cuddlemedolly Fri 05-Apr-13 17:32:46

I only found out about the massage because I found sites on it. Some dodgy some legitimate smile

Cuddlemedolly Fri 05-Apr-13 17:33:00


NoSquirrels Fri 05-Apr-13 17:38:24

I would be saying to him:

1) you went for a 'sensual' experience, which when you were researching it clearly showed it can easily cross over from proper massage therapy into prostitution. I am deeply hurt and offended that you felt the need to do this. Explain to me what you were thinking when you did this.

2) you lied to me by not mentioning it lying doesn't always mean speaking an untruth, you can lie by not mentioning something that you should so that now I am not inclined to believe you and my trust is damaged. You lie about small things, and now I feel mistrustful over the big things.

3) without trust relationships fail.

4) no massage again EVER without my full knowledge and approval of choice of venue/therapist.

joblot Fri 05-Apr-13 17:42:38

When I've needed a massage I'd know not to look at a sensual massage as it's thinly veiled prostitution. Why not have a normal massage? There's ample options. Sensual means sexual in this context

TheOrchardKeeper Fri 05-Apr-13 18:03:28

Well you can go on what you know

He didn't tell you, despite saying it's all above board.

That would be enough to make me feel seriously unsure about it.

I'd be far more annoyed though that he has a habit of white-lying that is undermining your relationship by the sounds of it.

Cuddlemedolly Fri 05-Apr-13 18:26:18

He has looked at lingam massage sites. He said he was just curious as to what they were. He didn't gave one but went to a legitimate place where he wasn't naked and the massage was above board. sad

Cuddlemedolly Fri 05-Apr-13 18:28:17

I think it is disrespectful to have a certain type of massage and not inform your wife. It arouses suspicion, even if it was legitimate. Why not choose a normal massage (sports/aromatherapy etc). What do I do?

Doha Fri 05-Apr-13 18:30:20

I hope his hand job was worth it... no matter how fancy and proper and polite you call it sensual massage==hand job

TheOrchardKeeper Fri 05-Apr-13 18:31:10

Can he prove where he went?

If not I don't think I could believe him.

The fact he'd lied/not told you originally & lies in general anyway would plant a seed of doubt that would just get bigger & bigger.

Hope you're ok

carmenelectra Fri 05-Apr-13 18:53:11

op lingam massage is defo sexual. Its a term 'upmarket' prostitutes use, perhaps ones that do actually have a massage qualification.

He is massively mugging you off and deliberately sounding naïve. He wanted a massage with handjob otherwise he would have just have one at hotel spa!

Have you asked him why sensual? My dp would probably love a massage as he has a bad back and neck but then he wouldn't be getting that from sensual one, he look up sports massage or something I guess.

Surely even to the dopiest person sensual conjures up an intimate environment, candles, caresses off a woman? Something you would get off your girlfriend or wife?

Have you asked him what the woman who massaged him was like? If he didn't get a handjob(unlikely), did he get turned on??

carmenelectra Fri 05-Apr-13 18:55:39

Btw some prostitutes do just provide hand jobs/massage.

And a massage parlour is a bit like a sauna(brothel).

carmenelectra Fri 05-Apr-13 19:03:05

Oh and the only way I'd believe him is if I had exact name of this establishment and the masseuse. Then I'd search the net for info and/or reviews. You will soon find if its legit. Or get a male friendf to book an appt and ask how much for extras.

Otherwise I'd take it he had bought a sexual service. Probably not full sex,no, but even so.would you be ok with that? I wouldn't.

Also, even if he's innocent I'd want to knmow what he was hoping to get from a sensual massage? A pretty girl touching him.

Sorry to go on. Hate to see people duped.

clam Fri 05-Apr-13 19:12:44

How can you have any sort of deep and meaningful relationship with a liar? How could you trust him? And without trust, there's no relationship, surely?

Fuckitthatlldo Fri 05-Apr-13 19:17:51

Sensual massages have happy endings op. Everyone knows that. He's taking you for a fool.

garlicballs Fri 05-Apr-13 19:26:51

Darling, if he was in Hawaii or Japan and had a lomilomi massage because it's a traditional thing, he would have searched precisely for "lomi" and probably told you about it.

If he searched for sensual massage he was looking for a prostitute.

If he searched for lingam massage he was looking for a prostitute sensitive masseuse to give him a hand job raise the vibrations of his penis.

The first is mutually exclusive with the other two ...

... although I have just found a bunch of lomilomi videos, where the masseuse is as naked as the client hmm

Fairypants Fri 05-Apr-13 19:32:01

I've not heard of that type of massage but I wouldn't assume that it is sexual just because someone said it can be-people say that about aromatherapy massage too. Most massages involve being naked- it is normal and does not mean sex. My mum was a masseur so the assumptions people make about it are a particular bugbear for me.
I would, however, have an issue with lying-about anything. The fact of lying is the issue to me, not what it was about. I really think a good talk concentrating on that aspect is in order.

lowercase Fri 05-Apr-13 19:43:14

Fwiw, lingam and yoni are interpreted as penis and vagina in Tantra ( Sanskrit )

Pandemoniaa Fri 05-Apr-13 19:43:20

I tend to apply a simple question when determining whether things are above board or not. It goes along the lines of "If it was an acceptable thing to do why did you feel the need to keep it secret from your partner?".

OxfordBags Fri 05-Apr-13 21:21:32

Lingam does refer to penis. OP, it's really not looking good, is it? What else could a penis massage mean?!

Marshmallowroot Fri 05-Apr-13 22:09:20

Ok. I work as a massage therapist. I do both sensual and non-sensual, ie aromatherapy, deep tissue, swedish too. I take "legit" clients and "sensual" clients. I am actually qualified and registered, insured etc. Lots of female therapists switch somewhat to the "dark side" if they are finding business slow and the advertising and premises budget not stretching far. Originally I started out just doing what I was trained to do, but I found strictly therapeutic to be quiet during the hours I need to work (school hours for the DC).

OP, if your partner is searching using the words "sensual" and "lingham" , then he is almost certainly at the very least considering having someone touch his penis ! That is the implication.

Why don't you get a man you know (male voice) to call up the place he visited and enquire if they offer sensual massages / undraped? Most will either straight off say yes, some will say you'll need to discuss it with the therapist in the room (probably yes, or at least maybe), or straight out NO (most likely no). You probably won't get much more info on the phone for legal / safety reasons (a whole other thread!).

If it is any consolation at all though, and it may not be to you, I can say that the vast majority of sensual massages consist of only a massage, probably clothed or topless at a push, and a hand job basically. It is rare and pretty much looked down upon in our circles for masseuses in any establishment to be offering oral sex / kissing / other intimacy / full sex. Most sensual masseuses and any decent places will be strict with the customers on this. I am not moralising in any way here, just giving the facts as I know them.

garlicballs Fri 05-Apr-13 22:11:44

Getting a “hard on” during a regular massage is probably everyman’s nightmare, particularly if the treatment is clearly designed only to be therapeutic. The embarrassment is compounded more so if the masseur has not brought up the subject of potential arousal and through their own awkwardness to the subject, leaves it as an unspoken “demon” that hangs in the air throughout the whole proceedings! It is because of this that many men will avoid having massage at all, but increasingly more and more men are discovering the availability, pleasure and safety of receiving a Sensual Massage that is designed to include both proper muscle work and allows, sometimes even encourages, full arousal often to orgasm. The internet now gives plenty of opportunity to find a sensual massage but how do clients find a masseur who is both trained in massage and comfortable to include intimate erotic touch as part of the treatment.

So says Serena of Inspirational Massage, bless her.

olivertheoctopus Fri 05-Apr-13 22:20:16

I had to google it and tbf, 'strictly massage of your sensual organ' just means paying to be wanked off no?

GirlWiththeLionHeart Fri 05-Apr-13 22:33:10

Basically your husband is seeing prosititues, what now op ?

Seems like you really don't want to believe it but its true, sorry sad

notapizzaeater Fri 05-Apr-13 23:18:47

The massage bit I could possibly explain away to myself but the fact that he's lied to you would be the deal breaker

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: