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Have a dilemma - unsure what to do. Some advice please?

(16 Posts)
Fuckitthatlldo Fri 05-Apr-13 08:52:17

Hi everyone. Would really appreciate some thoughts on what the right thing to do would be in this situation.

My mother has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. The prognosis is really good and she's going to be ok, but obviously the chemotherapy treatment will make her feel ill and exhausted for a time, plus of course there is the emotional upheaval for her to have to work through too.

I travelled down to help out after her first round of chemo - she lives with a partner who is doing everything so it was nice to be able to provide them with an extra pair of hands for a couple of days. We agreed that I would go down approx once a month (it's a fair journey on the train) to help care for her and do things like shop and clean the house.

Mum is having her second round of chemo today and I'm supposed to be going down again on Sunday - Tuesday (these are the only days I can possibly go due to child-care commitments). But I've looked at the train times online and due to major engineering works, what should be a journey of just a few hours will now take seven and a half hours and require four changes.

Now I know if I tell my mum and her partner this they will tell me not to come. They truly wouldn't want me to undertake such a massive journey for the sake of being around for one day to help (Monday) and then have to travel back on Tuesday.

But I feel a big sense of responsibility towards my mother and a duty to keep my word. I want to be there for her and I said I would be.

So what to do? Just accept that the journey will be major, say nothing, and go anyway? Or offer a compromise and say I will go next week instead (by which time she will be feeling a lot better and be less in need of help). Be honest with them and see what they say?

I really don't know what the right thing to do is here. Your thoughts please?

I think you should just do the seven hour journey with four changes and not say anything. Take a good book for the journey. It is a right bore, but you obviously want to do the right thing for your DM.

Bloody trains!

Madamecastafiore Fri 05-Apr-13 09:04:29

Have you looked to see if it is possible to go by coach?

BlueFishWonder Fri 05-Apr-13 09:04:51

I would do the seven hour journey and make sure I had a kindle or some good books with me! I also wouldn't mention it to DM. Sorry to hear your family is going through this. x

overmydeadbody Fri 05-Apr-13 09:05:56

HAve you looked into coaches? It might be marginally faster than the seven hours?

ArabellaBeaumaris Fri 05-Apr-13 09:08:51

reading your OP I think that logically you shouldn't go this week, since your mum & partner can manage without you. But I know if I were in your position I would want to go. Also I have a toddler so I relish the idea of 7 hours on a train by myself with a book!

Fuckitthatlldo Fri 05-Apr-13 09:21:29

Thank you everybody for replying.

My mother phoned as soon as I wrote the post!

She said she and her partner had been looking up my journey online as they heard about the engineering works themselves. She said it was crazy to come under those circumstances, that she would just feel bad if I did, and to leave it until her next round of chemo. She said she was "hopping about like a spring lamb" and not to worry. I know she will feel dreadful after her chemo today though sad

She was pretty insistent but I now feel terrible. She said if it helped she would make sure the house was really scummy for next time I came.

Do what your mother says then! She sounds lovely. The fact they looked up your journey for themselves is so sweet and takes the responsibility out of your hands. Don't feel terrible, she doesn't want you to go because the she will feel terrible. It will help her knowing you wanted to go.

Wishing you all well smile

mummytime Fri 05-Apr-13 09:40:43

Send flowers or a treat, nice moisturiser?

Hopasholic Fri 05-Apr-13 09:45:58

You and your mum sound just lovely. Sorry you're going through this. Why not send her some flowers today just to say 'thinking of you'

Wish you all well flowers

Feelingood Fri 05-Apr-13 09:49:12

Aw that's ok then, I was going to suggest using the time on the train to read something constructive that could help you to help your mum with the emotional side.

Just an idea, as thankfully have no experience of cancer.

DizzyPurple Fri 05-Apr-13 09:55:26

Has she been told to expect to feel awful following the chemo? A friend of mine is having chemo for bowel cancer (so probably different drugs but you never know) and he has very few side effects. Bit tired and some
tingling in fingers/toes/ears but nothing too bad. Hopefully she may not feel too bad. Hope all goes well.

Fuckitthatlldo Fri 05-Apr-13 09:58:28

Thanks everyone! I like the idea of sending a nice present. Moisturiser is a good idea. A side effect of the chemo is that it really dries out your skin and nails, and my mum has a weakness for lovely toiletries. So she might really love some posh hand and body lotion. Shall get my thinking cap on.

MushroomSoup Fri 05-Apr-13 10:01:14

I had chemo. Just the fact that you are thinking of her, talking to her and loving her will help her through this session. A gift is a bonus ! Even the smallest card or present brings love with it.

Fuckitthatlldo Fri 05-Apr-13 10:08:34

Dizzy yes she has, and so far she has been extremely lucky. She has felt tired and run-down but has escaped any sickness, thank god. To be honest my mum's pretty bullet proof really - she hardly ever gets ill and has generally got lead lined guts, so I'm not surprised she's fared well.

She's far more upset about the interruption to her re-training. She is in the middle of a massive career change which now has to be put on hold for a year. Plus she had plans to travel to the Himalayas this year too sad

DameFanny Fri 05-Apr-13 10:13:08

Oh she sounds lovely. And so do you. thanks

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