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why do i bother at all. Father's who needs them. What should i do?

(13 Posts)
Ladyemem Fri 05-Apr-13 08:14:36

to cut a long story short. my parents split up when i was 2 years old so the first time i met my dad was when i was 20.
He is a very strange man, very much a loner.He is in his early 70's. He has 2 brothers which he has no contact with. He has no real freinds but just happily chats with people wherever he goes.He has no doctor and refuses to register even though he has difficulty walking with pain and is breathless. He's happy to see me but has never been part of my family. I have never recieved a birthday card or present from him. He lives only 15 miles away. I have invited him over to mine numerous of occassions to meet his 4 grandchildren but he says he cant bring himself to come and makes excuses why he cant (he drives).
I am writing this as i have just found out through facebook ! that my grandmother died on mothers day and he didnt even bother to ring and tell me so i missed the funeral. (she was a kind grandmother who always kept in touch through my childhood) He did the same when my grandfather died a few years back. basically i am his only family. My sister wants nothing to do with him so hasnt seen him since she was 5 years old.
I cant give up on him as im all he's got. I am starting to wonder what would happened if he he beacame ill or went to hospital and died. I would never know and who would sort out his care if he needs it.

Ladyemem Fri 05-Apr-13 08:18:47

Im thinking he probably suffers from depression and anxiety. He recently told me that in an ideal world he would like to be invisable and live in a cabin in canada away from everyone.

redskynight Fri 05-Apr-13 08:25:45

Very sorry to hear about your grandmother.

This man you describe is not 'all you have got'. From what you say you you have tried really hard to start a relationship, and the hard truth is he doesn't want to know and never has done. He is not a father, not even an acquaintance really, and really truly does not deserve you or your loyalty (or seemingly want it). My feeling from what you are writing is that he is a nasty piece of work who is kicking you down and being heartless on an emotional level. His behaviour as a father is truly appalling and selfish.

Use all your energy and love on your relationship with yourself, your sister, your partner, your lovely children, your friends. These are the people you have in your life and who are important.

redskynight Fri 05-Apr-13 08:28:26

Depression is never an excuse for bad behaviour.

Ladyemem Fri 05-Apr-13 08:29:01

im crying now. i dont know what to say

Branleuse Fri 05-Apr-13 08:32:00

He sounds to me like he may be a bit aspie, or have some other sort of MH problem

redskynight Fri 05-Apr-13 08:35:05

I am so sorry. I didn't mean to sound mean. I was maybe projecting too much into this.

You sound like the nicest, loveliest person. It just made me so sad to read how nowhere in your post did you talk about how this all made you feel, just his feelings.

I totally understand and empathise with you and why you want a relationship with him. I think what made me so sad is that I can see my daughter write something similar about her father in 30 years time. Children are so unbelievably loyal to parents who sometimes just don't deserve it. Absolutely none of this is your fault, it is 100% him. You did nothing at all to deserve this.

Ladyemem Fri 05-Apr-13 08:36:08

i am lucky i have a wonderful husband, fabulous mother and the best kids ever. i can see why my sister doesnt want anything to do with him. I agree his behaviour is appauling and selfish. .

Ladyemem Fri 05-Apr-13 08:43:00

i feel very upset and hurt. All i wanted was to have a father who loved and cared for me. As a child i had a step father who physically and emotionally abused me for 14 years. It was never reported so i had no help. Thankyou redskynight for understanding and listening to me.

ktef Fri 05-Apr-13 08:57:09

Hi lady, I am so sorry for what you are going through. A quick practical suggestion for your concerns about if he fell ill and you not knowing etc: I work with elderly people and lots of them have "in case of emergency" details placed somewhere. So you could tape a notice on the inside of his front door, in any address book he has and in his wallet. He might not let you, but it might be worth trying. Or if he has neighbours, you could just let them know who you are and your contact details. I know this doesn't touch the emotional trauma and I hope you find a way to cope with it.

yousankmybattleship Fri 05-Apr-13 09:06:25

I think you should stay in touch in case he needs you but try not to invest too much of your emotions in this man becasue he obviously has a hard time showing love. Just becasue he is a poor father doesn't mean you have to give up on him. You can still be a good daughter. He may need you if he becomes frail or ill and even though he may not be able to show you that he cares for you or needs you if may not be that he doesn't feel these things on some level. You will lose you Dad eventually and it will be an awful lot easier for you to deal with if you feel you have done all you can. Get the emotional support you need form your Mum and your Husband. I really feel for you, but I believe the only way for you to get anything good out of this very difficult situation is for you to be the very best person you can be.

Ladyemem Fri 05-Apr-13 09:09:56

ok thanks Ktef. He must have my details somewhere at home. Cant imagine he has an address book. I'll see if i can get him to have my contact number in his wallet.

Ladyemem Fri 05-Apr-13 09:19:57

Hi yousankmybattleship. Thankyou for your advise. I will stay in touch and be the best person i can be.

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