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Am I being paranoid.......?(21 Posts)
Dh and I have been married for 13 years. Have 2 youngish dc.
We are your very average, very normal family.
2 years ago we set up our own businesses (with a group of people) but it was only this year when we've been in a position to hire anyone.
So..... There was this woman who came very highly recommended and I met her, thought she was perfect! I actually really like her.
Dh met her and he too was really impressed with her. So we are at the stage of offering her a position and I know this is going to sound really strange but I'm not comfortable.
She is single does not come across in any way as predatory, dh has never given me any reason to doubt him BUT I just have a strange feeling with regards to this woman and dh.
I have no proof, and no reason to doubt dh, other then this feeling.
I've never felt this way before and when I first met this woman I really liked her.
So am I just being a dramalama?
Is my gut (normally very silent) gone crazy?
Or am I just irrationally paranoid?
Please help me see the tree from the woods.....
I'm a big fan of following your gut instinct.
(Not helpful I know)
Does your DH talk about her in an animated way? Will they be working closely together without you around?
Leave the bastard.
Oh gosh this is a difficult one.
If you're on the verge of offering her a position and you're not 100% comfortable with it then you need to discuss it with your DH.
Go with your gut - every time.
for the woman though.
I think the question you have to ask yourself is, would you have a problem with your DH working with ANY reasonably attractive and intelligent woman? I wouldn't like it and i have no reason to doubt my DP whatsoever. I am pretty insecure though.
That's the strange thing dh hasn't reacted any different way.
BUT it's a feeling I have. I'm really not normally insecure about myself or relationships dh has with other people, I just feel insecure with this new development.
I realize how crazy this sounds especially when I write it down. I'm just not feeling right about this, even though it would be a great development for the business.
The worst thing is I really like her.
I just can't shake this feeling.
What's wrong with me?
I haven't ever felt this level of insecurity.
Dh has worked in various levels with other women, but, and I know this will make me sound even crazier, but its almost as though this woman (even though she's the same age as I am) is the younger, funnier version of me (per kids, pre responsibility) me......
Spice you'd be surprised and amazed by the number of OW who fit that category.
Ah, before I read your last post I wondered if it was relating to your own identity - this insecurity. This woman reminds you of the carefree, funny, zingy pre-kids you. That's why she's pressing your buttons. You're worried she's like the you your DH fell in love with.
This is your stuff. BUT you must talk to your DH. Be completely open about your fears and feelings. Then make a joint decision from there. You can't have someone in your life who makes you feel shit and you don't have to. Sure it might seem unfair to the potential employee but you are entitled to make a decision that works for you.
Maybe your reaction signals that you need more time to devote to yourself and your interests. Hard with young kids I know!
I'm totally relating, btw. If I ran into my younger, thinner, flamboyant, fun-loving, pre-kids self, I would feel a bit and . I remind myself that this period of feeling knackered and less interested in how I look and socialising is temporary (have 19 m DS and am of with #2).
Hmmmm, well there is always going to be a younger, funnier and prettier woman somewhere along the way. I guess it's the fact that your DH will be working closely with her that's bothering you. You say she's single but she could well be in a serious relationship - not that this should matter.
I understand your concerns though OP - I just don't know what the answer is!!
I feel like such an idiot, I was the one who really pushed for this position.
I know she's single, tough circumstances where she has sacrificed a huge amount for her family. She has never hidden the fact that she wants a family etc.
It was one of the things that made her so relatable. Whilst she professes to want family and commitment etc, she is still very foot loose and fancy free. I am not.
Its highly unlikely that the business would not take her on, given the advance stage of the situation.
I think she would be very good for the business.
Why I'm feeling so unsettled about my relationship is a separate issue but one that is making me feel increasingly uncomfortable.
We're you feeling at all unsettled in your relationship prior to this issue?
To be honest we barely have time to think.
But this issue, even though (please let it be) might be in my mind has made me stop and start rebooking at things.
You may find looking at this link helpful if you want to have a chat with him about this:
It must be hard trying to work out why you feel like this if nothing has happened to make you doubt him. But by addressing any vulnerabilities, maybe you will feel more reassured?
Funny one. Maybe your gut is saying something, but not exactly what it's coming out as IYSWIM. If you're in a "barely have time to think" stage of life sometimes I find hunches can arrive oddly disguised. The reassessment it prompts is what locates the issue.
Agree though, don't hire her if it isn't going to work for you.
I think that the first step is to recognise that this is entirely about you and not in any way about him (from what you have said).
The second is to talk to him about it from that point of view. Explain to him that she reminds you of what you used to be like, and that you feel like you have lost that person along the way. That the prospect of having her around is making you feel insecure.
Hopefully he is emotionally intelligent enough to be able to give you the reassurance you need and help you work through the issues relating to your own identity.
It can be the oddest things that set us off. I once had a total complete meltdown because I couldn't find my pre-pg nice bras. I had put them in a box, stored them and cannot for the life of me find them.
Dh was until he twigged that this was nothing to do with bras and everything to do with the younger, sexier me that I felt I had lost somewhere along the way. And proceeded to make sure I really knew that he found the new me even sexier. Which was fun .
OP, you need to talk to your dh and tell him how you feel. I didn't and the woman took the opportunity to ask my dh to have an affair with her. He played right into her hands, thankfully he told her it wasn't on. She stripped for him in his office, and he told her to put her clothes back on, and he got enough at home thank you very much.
Now not suggesting this woman is like this at all, probably not. However, at least if your dh knows your insecurities as silly as they may seem, he is forewarned not like my silly dh was.
It will also put your mind at rest, and I am telling you this because the woman was how you described it. I just had the same feelings as you have.
Right, give this woman the job otherwise it would be completely unfair if she's the most suitable candidate.
Meanwhile talk to your husband about your fears and worries and don't let him minimise them. Couch it in such a way that it's not that you fear he'll actually have an affair with her, but that she reminds you of your younger self and that's made you feel a bit vulnerable. You might want to broaden the conversation out into discussing hypothetical situations e.g. how you'd both deal with a situation whereby you got on very well with and admired an attractive colleague. What sort of boundaries would you have to stop it turning into something else? How would you deal with a crush? Have any arisen already? It's quite a good thing to have that sort of chat anyway isn't it? because let's face it, affairs aren't exactly rare and they usually start at work.
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