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Need some advice about a crush I have got (am married).(8 Posts)
I am going to be completely honest, probably for the first time in a long while. I feel I am going mad. I know I'm going to hear things I don't want to but things are only going to get worse if I don't do something.
I have been with my dh for a long long time, he is the only man I have slept with, we have 2 dc. We have not had a proper sex life for years now, it was sporadic from only a few years after we met, we had a long distance relationship for a while and our sex life never seemed to recover from that. The last time we had full sex was around 5+ years ago. I have had low self esteem since being a teen and body image issues etc. I think my dh was probably mildly emotionally abusive when we got together (he would make comments about how I looked etc, but has never done it since). I have found it hard to forget the things he said even all these years later (about 17 or 18 years I think). Since then, he has been complementary, supportive, says he finds me attractive, believes in me etc etc. I have changes a lot of things in the last year or so - gone back to work, lost a lot of weight. But we still live like brother and sister. I'm not sure if I fancy him any more, I don't know if he does me, although he says he does. It's always me who brings up our sex problems and I have now given up to be honest.
Now I have a crush on someone - it isn't reciprocated, I'm almost certain. But I've been almost predatory about it - engineering situations where I can be with him. I am now embarrassed about this - I realise he would never be interested in me, but I know if he tried anything with me I would probably reciprocate, although nothing beyond kissing. There is no reason for me to think that he would, although I know he likes me as a person and sees me as a friend. I realise how stupid and tragic that sounds. I know it's all about the lack of intimacy in my marriage and that's what I'm crying out for. I don't know how to fix it. I can't split up with dh - it would be catastrophic for my dc. But I am pouring all my energy into obssessing about this person I have this ridiculous crush on. I have run through all the scenarios in my head about if it all was reciprocated and all I can see is massive hurt for all involved, but I still fantasise about it almost constantly. What the hell do I do.
" I can't split up with dh - it would be catastrophic for my dc."
Why not? Why is it OK for you to be miserable, starved of affection and expected to put up and shut up? Why are you the sacrificial cow? What idea of marriage and a healthy adult relationship do you expect your DCs are taking from your example? Do you think they don't see that Mum and Dad are not compatible?
You have to raise the ante with your DH. Currently he knows that you'd never do anything serious like leaving him, so he has zero incentive to change behaviour. You say he was emotionally abusive and played on your insecurities when you first got together.... didn't need to carry on did he because it's cowed you into submission.
Obviously panting after this fantasy man is not really what you want. Try to stop doing that. But take it as a catalyst for change in your marriage..... and do reconsider exactly what you and the DCs are actually gaining from being in a loveless household..
I think about the 'example of a marriage/relationship' thing a lot cogito. I don't know about that. Dh will say nice things to me and about me in private and in front of the dc. We do also argue and be quite nasty to one another as well. I don't feel I am cowed into submission by him - he has apologised more than several times for his behaviour in the early days of our relationship and acknowledged it was wrong. I don't feel our marriage is loveless, but it certainly lacks intimacy.
However, I don't want to defend it - it's not a good relationship from the intimacy point of view. I think dh has little/no libido, and mine has been completely suppressed up until recently. The thought of going on like this until one of us dies is just awful. I repress these feeling for months on end but it always bubbles up at some point. I don't want to be at the end of my life and regret sacrificing my happiness, but neither do I want to damage my dc, and that's what would happen if we split - it really would, I can't be convinced otherwise. If my dc asked me why we split and I said 'well I just wasn't happy', that is not going to cut it with them is it?
The current situation isnt good for either you or your H. Talk to your H honestly. You need to decide between you to either end your marriage, get some third party help to fix it or agree to maybe have an open relationship.
Maybe also consider some counselling for yourself to deal with your personal issues.
If the other person is someone you work with back off in case they complain further up the chain that your actions are upsetting them.
In any case leave him alone until you have sorted things with your H.
'We weren't happy together' is a perfectly good explanation for DCs in the event of a split. What I think is a far harder question to answer in years to come is 'why did you stay?' Because if you say 'I did stayed for you' that's a terrible legacy for a child to deal with. They will feel responsible for your misery.
I know adults who's parents are still stuck in loveless marriages and it causes those adult children pain to see their parents like that. "They should have separated 30yrs ago!" is one example of things that they say.
Would you want your DCs to be in similar relationships in the future? You are trying to protect them from sadness (caused by potential separation) by teaching them, by example, how to be unhappy.
Think of the long term, they will be happy if you are happy.
My husband and I separated last year after he had an affair.
I worried about the effect it would have on the children but there was a lot of sadness in our house for a long time and the children both say they are happier now. And it's obvious from their behaviour and relationships with me and their dad.
Staying together for the sake of the children is rarely the right thing to do. And now I'm separated, I wish I'd done it sooner and not waited for my husband to have an affair - there'd been a bit of emotional abuse for a while.
If you want to stay together then basically you're acknowledging that there needs to be a significant improvement in the relationship.
Whats going to cause that significant improvement? You need to have an honest conversation with your OH that there are several things that are causing you to feel unhappy. For a long time.
He then either listens and is willing to address these issues, or you have essentially warned him that you may well end things. It sounds like he needs it very clearly spelled out.
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