Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Dh wants to talk-think it might spell the end.

(312 Posts)
houseworkhater Thu 04-Apr-13 15:40:04

Have been together 20 years with 3 dcs.

Most people view us as being well suited and happy together.
Anyhow last year dh said he might leave. I was at my wits end. he said he basically wanted more sex and the house to be tidier.

I ran myself ragged upping the anti. I was literally following the dcs around moving everything in sight endlessly cleaning, throwing things away all to make it easier for me to keep this very tidy house.

After a time I began to think fuck this.
I went away for a few days with 2 dcs and when I came back the house was in a right state. Ds, who stayed at home, immediately said he was starving. Dh was in the pub. I asked dh to come home. He didn't, when he did I asked him to leave as this time I was the one who laid down my demands.

I told dh to stop going out so much and start and put his family first. He stopped going out as much and really made an effort.
We stayed together and have talked things through.
We have both tried to make more time for each other etc.

It is hard as dh is having to work very long hours and is always tired. On top of this he has joined a band. The money does come in handy but the trouble is none of the band have children, only one is married and they are all much youinger than him. He told them that he won't play every weekend but it seems to be taking over. He has told me that one of the band has offered to let him stay at his if we do split up.

I think dh might take him up on the offer!

I am so mad. I know he feels that sex is virtually non existant but he is either in bed before me, tired or out with the bloody band and then I am asleep when he returns.

I really want to make it work. the dcs have no idea that anything is wrong.

Any advice?


Troubledjo Tue 09-Apr-13 22:34:45

I really hope the break with your DCs gives you some space to think - and also forget for a bit and just have a nice time with them. They sound like great kids.
I would really recommend Relate. I went for a while when I split with my XP - he came one time then refused to go again and I carried on on my own. It really helped me to talk to someone neutral, to work out what I was feeling, get the negative stuff out of my system and work out how to move on. It's really hard to get a sense of perspective when you are in the middle of it all and sometimes an outside person can help with that.
Also, you often have to put on a brave face in front of DCs as you want to reassure them and it helps to have a space where you don't need to do that.
Before going to Relate I was finding it really hard to see a way forward. I would definitely recommend it and often think of the advice I was given even now (8 years later!). Oh, and I know it's a cliche but it does get better! Just take your time and don't be rushed into anything...

Walkacrossthesand Tue 09-Apr-13 13:59:28

He was taking you for granted to such an extent that you and your existence as a separate human being were completely invisible to him - you were just part of the package labelled 'home', which he thought he could put down & pick up at will. He reckoned without you....

LilyAmaryllis Tue 09-Apr-13 10:24:49

He has got to have a think about some of the things he's said to you - eg doesn't want family life any more, he's leaving "in 3 months" !!, etc. They are pretty big deals. Surely he hasn't forgotten?

MTBMummy Tue 09-Apr-13 08:31:18

House been lurking since the beginning and just wanted to add you've come such a long way, you're doing amazingly well.

I really wish I'd had your strength when I first found out about SBXH cheating on me, I took the road of it all being my fault and doing everything possible to keep him, all I did was lose my dignity and let him know he could get away with it, which he did for another year before I eventually realised and got rid of him.

QuintessentialOHara Tue 09-Apr-13 08:23:14

Well done. You are an inspiration.
Awesome. (You may not feel it but you are)

lazarusb Mon 08-Apr-13 21:31:42

I've been lurking since the beginning. Your pain has been horrible to witness but I just wanted to say I admire your strength. There's another thread at the moment where a man has suddenly realised that he's totally underestimated the woman in his life and is now shit scared and begging forgiveness and reconciliation. Well done for all the steps you've taken so far. I think your relationship with your children is fantastic and dd1 is an absolute star.

All the best to you x

4some Mon 08-Apr-13 21:07:01

(Writing under my new name after STBXH found my posts.)

Wanted to add how amazing I think your attitude/clarity is.

It is such a shock when someone we think we have such utter faith in does something so terrible.

It is ultimately your decision what you do next. Take your time. I hope whatever you choose to do ultimately brings you the peace and happy future you deserve.

ExcuseTypos Mon 08-Apr-13 20:53:54

You must be terribly shocked at the moment, but well done for gaining the upper hand and keeping your self respect.

Whatever happens in the end, he knows not to mess with you, ever again.

Hopasholic Mon 08-Apr-13 20:28:51

Just wanted to say a big Well Done flowers

Have a good evening with your DC's

I wouldn't enter into any further discussions with him. Silence from you may be the way for him to in finally admit how far he has gone with the OW.

Ponyinthepool Mon 08-Apr-13 20:28:11

I want to give you a big kiss!!

In the short space of time since you started this thread, you've come a HUGE distance in restoring the independence and self respect he's been systematically dismantling. You've gone from bewildered to empowered in a few short posts. It's great to see.

Don't piss on the little turd if he's on fire. He continues to act with concern for his own welfare alone. He didnt care about abandoning you, you owe him no consideration whatsoever. Hoisted by his own petard, good and proper.

He may just have done you a favour House, I think this might be the start of a much better life for you.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage Mon 08-Apr-13 19:54:29

Must be tempting to tell him you'll get back to him in three months, that you'll need at least that amount of time to figure out what you want to do.

(Seeing as he was saying he wouldn't be ready to leave for three months)

skyebluesapphire Mon 08-Apr-13 19:17:49

well done for coming back.

Like Mad says, dont rush into any long term decisions. You need to be sure what YOU want now. He has blown everything apart, and he has to wait on you now. Just take some time to yourself for now. It may help to go to relate even if the marriage is over, just to talk things through finally. My Xh refused to go, but it would have helped me to answer some questions.

Have a good few days away.

cjel Mon 08-Apr-13 19:04:57

Well done OP you are doing so well. All the emotional weirdness you feel it normal. I would try to ask him not to be texting Dcs to get answers from you. Your relationship with him is nothing to do with them, it is all distressing for them without feeling l like they are stuck in the middle.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 08-Apr-13 19:01:45

AF is right re loss being the motivator for cheaters - because you have been strong and dignified, he is already coming back to you begging for forgiveness.

Take your time though in making decisions about your future and remember that you are in control.

AnyFucker Mon 08-Apr-13 18:52:59

This thread is an absolute example of how to regain the upper hand in one fell swoop.

So many times, we see poor women who have been dealt similarly devastating blows hanging on, too frightened to make the fucker leave, trying to turn into the perfect wife and sexbomb in the mistaken idea that he will somehow regain all the respect he once had for them

the only thing that motivates these men is loss

it's become an MN cliche now, but it is true

DontmindifIdo Mon 08-Apr-13 18:46:48

yep, to me it sounds like suddenly all his fantasies and plans have had a big bucket of cold water ie reality. The OW has a small baby, she's not going to throw away her lifestyle for him, she's obviously say "jog on love" - he's realised he's not able to control the situation with you, and is really going to lose you, the DCs and it all.

Do what's best for you, don't give what he wants any head space. This is about what's best for you and your DCs.

Xales Mon 08-Apr-13 18:33:14

So in 4 days he has gone from not loving you and wanting freedom and will leave in 3 months,to there being another woman, to please don't name an innocent in our divorce, to I have made a mistake.

Colour me cynical but I don't think he expected you to cotton on and be so decisive so is having to scramble to get you back in line for somewhere to live.

something2say Mon 08-Apr-13 18:28:30

I'll share that glass of wine with you. After yoga tho xx
Well done x see how quick he turned about.
Did you book a haircut or anything like that?

Sugarice Mon 08-Apr-13 18:09:35

He has proven that he is sneaky , untrustworthy, uncaring of your feelings and and a first rate twat.

Do you want to live with someone like that?

You are way too good for him and he is just waking up to the fact that he may be alone.

Don't fall for his froth and sad face act.

MadAboutHotChoc Mon 08-Apr-13 18:08:35

Glad you have come back.

I know how hard it is and it will take you months to process your feelings and thoughts about his betrayal. Don't make any long term decisions and just focus on taking one day at a time.

Now that hard cold reality has burst his fantasy lust fuelled affair bubble, he is beginning to realise what he has to lose and is now coming back with his tail between his legs begging for forgiveness

You may find reading shirley Glass's Not Just Friends helpful as it has helped so many others on here.

BalloonSlayer Mon 08-Apr-13 18:06:36

Blimey that didn't take long, did it grin

Well done you for staying strong.

The ball's well and truly in your court now. I think you should try to keep it there as long as possible, not rush into anything until you are 100% sure you know what you want.

(I have a cynical feeling that if you welcomed him back with open arms today he would be back to his old ways within a week.)

AnyFucker Mon 08-Apr-13 18:06:20

You sound just about as good as it is possible to be at this stage, love

Good on you for seeing him for what he really have taken a shitload of grief over the last few days after initially making excuses for him and being unable to accept he could do something so shitty

You are waaaaay ahead of him, dude and much too good for this inadequate piece of shit..

houseworkhater Mon 08-Apr-13 17:54:51

Didn't intend to post again as I assumed there was nothing more to add.

I am still distraught, feelings swaying wildly. Today I feel very ugly and unloved.

He has started texting begging forgiveness, asking for reconcilliation. saying he will pack the band in, do whatever I want, put me first. It is all his fault now apparently.

I think the ow has gone cold, that is my gut feeling. I think the shock of me ringing her and spelling out to her what she has done and how it isn't just a bit of fun anymore, plus what it could do if her oh finds out, have given her a cold hard slap in the face.

Think she is still married but "serarated" so my h is a bit more undesirable now.

He still denies having sex with this woman but has admitted to sex texting. Says he has got it wrong and should have listened to me.

Been to have a chat with a solicitor today. No plans yet and things still quite muddy.

She did howl with laughter when I mentioned h's plans on how childcare would work. Ie on a weekend he will do something with them in the morning and I will run around after them on an evening, leaving him free to conduct his affairs on a weekend night.

She did mention relate and so has h.

To be honest I don't know if anything could save the marriage as I don't really think I will spend the rest of my days with him.

Still hard for dcs.
He has asked if they want to go out with him this week, ds and dd2 up for it, dd1 says no.
Solicitor suggested dd1 go somewhere with him even if she just screams her hatred for him and nothing else.

It dawned on me at the solicitors that I actually don't know where he is staying, I don't care.

Solicitor made me realise that financially I could manage so that is good.

I don't have to actually do anything, oh and from the brief description I gave her, I would definately be able to divorce him.

So there it is.
I have told him I don't want to talk, not until I feel better. The door is not open.

The only other text I have sent was to say when is he picking the dcs up. I am swaying between telling him to come and get them and just leaving it.

He has text both dd1 and ds telling them that I haven't answered any of his texts and is everything ok.

I think tonight we will all watch a dvd and I might have a glass of wine, going away later this week with dcs and we will have a great time.

Inertia Mon 08-Apr-13 10:28:52

Glad to see you have a bit more clarity now House, and we are here if you need a listening ear.

Sorry to say I agree with Mimi about the kind of reconciliation he has mind -and would add that he's probably also planning to use the promise if reconciliation to keep you quiet as far as OW's partner is concerned. Take care House.

DontmindifIdo Mon 08-Apr-13 10:22:07

I hope you are getting the real life support you need, keep that anger and use it to push through what's best for you and your DCs, he's not put you first for months so there's no need for you to.

The 'reconciliation' could well be because he saw it as a choice between you and her, and she, while having had fun, isn't about to take him on, so now he wants you back. The fact that he could easily end up with neither and actually it's not his choice now, probably hasn't registered. But it will. And then the pity party will really start. Dont fall for it and try to shield your DCs from it as much as possible.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: