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Dh wants to talk-think it might spell the end.

(312 Posts)
houseworkhater Thu 04-Apr-13 15:40:04

Have been together 20 years with 3 dcs.

Most people view us as being well suited and happy together.
Anyhow last year dh said he might leave. I was at my wits end. he said he basically wanted more sex and the house to be tidier.

I ran myself ragged upping the anti. I was literally following the dcs around moving everything in sight endlessly cleaning, throwing things away all to make it easier for me to keep this very tidy house.

After a time I began to think fuck this.
I went away for a few days with 2 dcs and when I came back the house was in a right state. Ds, who stayed at home, immediately said he was starving. Dh was in the pub. I asked dh to come home. He didn't, when he did I asked him to leave as this time I was the one who laid down my demands.

I told dh to stop going out so much and start and put his family first. He stopped going out as much and really made an effort.
We stayed together and have talked things through.
We have both tried to make more time for each other etc.

It is hard as dh is having to work very long hours and is always tired. On top of this he has joined a band. The money does come in handy but the trouble is none of the band have children, only one is married and they are all much youinger than him. He told them that he won't play every weekend but it seems to be taking over. He has told me that one of the band has offered to let him stay at his if we do split up.

I think dh might take him up on the offer!

I am so mad. I know he feels that sex is virtually non existant but he is either in bed before me, tired or out with the bloody band and then I am asleep when he returns.

I really want to make it work. the dcs have no idea that anything is wrong.

Any advice?


houseworkhater Thu 04-Apr-13 17:44:22

Hopa- that is exactly it.

I told him last time, when i was shouting, that noone else would put up with this crap.

When he mentioned leaving before I told him that he will have to have the kids overnight at least one night.

I don't think the thought had even entered his head, he is so used to me being there.

I have thought of it today that he will have to have them on a weekend and it would cock up his band.

Although I'm not sure if the eldest 2 would go, I have no idea.

i have to sign off now. Got to go out.

Will keep you updated.

lunar1 Thu 04-Apr-13 20:50:22

Hope things are going ok op.

houseworkhater Thu 04-Apr-13 23:11:20

We have had a talk.
Dh has said he doesn't think he wants to be married anymore.

There isn't much I can say to that.
He said it is a mixture of things, not enough sex, me arguing with the kids, the house not being as tidy as he would like it.
He admits that I do a lot of housework, but says I do all the same things, citing that he knows I: do the washing, drying, ironing, putting away of all laundry. Clean the bathroom, clean the en-suite, clean all toilets, clean the floors, sort the kids out, do the dishwasher, do all the decorating, gardening. Apparently this is not enough.

He also thought that even though he is out with the band or is tired because of his day job, that I should make opportunity to have sex.

I really don't know what to say.

I feel sick.
He has defended his time with the band.

I have told him that I have bent over backwards to accomodate his time with the band.

He began to say that he has also had a hard time, begrudges having to hand over money for things. his mates think it is appalling that I should ask him to pick up some milk and bread on his way home from work, I wasn't working that day so I should have done it.

He has gone to bed and I could go up but is there a point.

He has said that he is beginning to think that after 20 years perhaps family was never for him.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 04-Apr-13 23:19:50

What a fucking twat he is.

I'm a bit speechless that he's putting it all on you.

If he is keen to end the marriage then he had better move out and into somewhere where he can have the kids to stay.

Are you going to speak to a solicitor?

AnyFucker Thu 04-Apr-13 23:20:02

There is another woman

I would bet my house on it

This is how the script starts

I am very sorry

You must tell him to leave, he has made his choice

50shadesofknackered Thu 04-Apr-13 23:23:43

Tell him to get out of your bed, pack a bag and FUCK OFF! What a complete arse! He doesn't want to be married anymore? Fine! You don't want to be married to a selfish tosser that is desperately trying to relive his youth by playing in a band, ffs, when he should be with his wife and family. Op, you deserve so much better than this. Don't stand for his shit, he has made his feelings clear so it's time you move on too. Who knows, without him you may be happy be free to live a life that doesn't involve walking on eggshells trying to keep someone happy when they only want to make you miserable. Bastard!

Finola1step Thu 04-Apr-13 23:25:40

Oh my goodness house. My jaw has hit the floor. Perhaps family was never for him! Unbelievable. And it has sloped off to bed. I never use the C??T word ever, not on here or in rl. But for that lump of lard, I will make an exception. He, my dear, is a CUNT. Now for those not familiar with the south London meaning of that word, it has much more to do with a person's behaviour towards another and his general shitty attitude, than the more widely accepted association with female genitalia. In fact, for real authenticity, one would shout the word at full volume after the word Fucking.

Now all that energy that you have been spending on trying to keep things together.

Doha Thu 04-Apr-13 23:26:38

And remind him he will have the DC's 50/50 so he had better find himself suitable accommodation to have them overnight as you won't be moving out. (even if you have no intention of 50/50 custody)
Really sorry OP but you will probably be happier without him in the longrun.
As from now down tools as far as he is concerned. No more washing cooking tidying for him. Does he realise he will have to hand over money for the Dc's?
He thinks the grass is greener..well he is in for a shock isn't he!

houseworkhater Thu 04-Apr-13 23:28:22

He very nicely said that he might still pick dd1 up and bring her home on the night she goes out and that he will still take dd2 to her hobby on Saturday. Too bloody right I thought cos otherwise he will be the one explaining why they can't go.

Feel sick, in 2 minds weather to go up to bed and try and touch him.

Finola1step Thu 04-Apr-13 23:28:43

Oops posted too soon as can't believe the language I have used!

That energy, use it to focus on getting him out. Think about the practicals and the financials. Access to bank accounts, savings etc. Get legal advice quick. Keep posting.

OrangeLily Thu 04-Apr-13 23:29:15

So you should skivvy for him AND shag him?! Is he out of his fucking mind!? But he won't even go to the shop for a pint of milk without feeling hard done by? This is all so he can play with his fucking band.

He's either shagging someone else or he's actually completely lost his mind. (Either that or discovered some ridiculous time machine that takes him back beyond the 50s).

Flojobunny Thu 04-Apr-13 23:30:04

What 50shades said. Call his bluff. Go upstairs, grab a suitcase and throw it on the bed and tell him in no uncertain terms to fuck the fuck off..

TheSecondComing Thu 04-Apr-13 23:30:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Thu 04-Apr-13 23:31:52

Touch him ?

Why would you want to do that ? confused

Flojobunny Thu 04-Apr-13 23:32:57

Try and touch him? NO, please don't lower yourself to that. He has just completely shattered you and has gone off to bed like he doesn't care. He should be sat with you now explaining exactly what is going to happen in this split that he has apparently planned.
Do not think that by fucking him tonight, he will stay, he will fuck u and then still leave.
Have some dignity and go pack his bag for him and throw it out the front door.

houseworkhater Thu 04-Apr-13 23:32:58

I really don't know.
I think i am loosing my mind a bit tbh.

Corygal Thu 04-Apr-13 23:34:01

You poor poor thing - it's premature to say it, but I suspect you may be well rid.

He's got a severe case of grass-is-greener and is idiot enough to follow it. Ironically, the band thing would give him the cool he wants if he was a husband and father, but under the circs this ageing lech act looks a bit tragic, to be honest.

I would make it clear that he's welcome to leave. I would also explain that he has to talk to the kids. Him, not you. And that he will take them half the week when he moves out.

I suspect temptation with other women, if not a girlfriend.

joanofarchitrave Thu 04-Apr-13 23:34:10

What do you want OP?

It might be feasible to get past this but do you really want to?

Do you have either his or your parents you can talk to - are either couple still married? I'll bet if they are, they've faced something like this. And what they say might surprise you.

I think starting to tell people (not bandmates) that you're facing a major crisis could make him realise what an absolute arsehole he sounds like. At the moment it's mostly been happening in his head. Take some control.

Flojobunny Thu 04-Apr-13 23:35:16

If he hasn't already cheated, he's thinking about it.
He's willing to trade 20 yrs of marriage, to hell with u n the dc for some woman he hardly knows.
Why the hell are u still under the same roof?

Corygal Thu 04-Apr-13 23:35:30

Oh, and remind him that his actions will cost a lot more than a loaf of bread - maintenance of the house, you and the kids will be rather pricy. But hey too late now.

Finola1step Thu 04-Apr-13 23:36:16

Touch him? Surely kick him out of your bed so you can get in and get some sleep. OP please listen to what he is saying. He wants out. He even sounds like he regrets having your children.

Corygal Thu 04-Apr-13 23:38:47

I agree - start to tell people he's basically said he doesn't love his family and that you just don't know if you should have him back, let alone want to.

QuintessentialShallots Thu 04-Apr-13 23:39:04

Oh what a twerp. Middle aged midlife crised twerp.

Get angry. Get him to leave.

See a solicitor and sue him to kingdom come and then some more.

houseworkhater Thu 04-Apr-13 23:40:48

I am going to go and try and sleep.

He is working tomorrow so I won't see him all day.
I am going to go out and see a good friend I think, just to get some perspective.

Thank you for all the replies.

Hissy Thu 04-Apr-13 23:42:32

Oh I'd touch him alright...

With a baseball bat the toe of my boot up his arse...

So cross for you OP, I'm so sorry, but I agree that there's no chance of this being a decision he has come to all by himself.

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