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Dh wants to talk-think it might spell the end.

(312 Posts)
houseworkhater Thu 04-Apr-13 15:40:04

Have been together 20 years with 3 dcs.

Most people view us as being well suited and happy together.
Anyhow last year dh said he might leave. I was at my wits end. he said he basically wanted more sex and the house to be tidier.

I ran myself ragged upping the anti. I was literally following the dcs around moving everything in sight endlessly cleaning, throwing things away all to make it easier for me to keep this very tidy house.

After a time I began to think fuck this.
I went away for a few days with 2 dcs and when I came back the house was in a right state. Ds, who stayed at home, immediately said he was starving. Dh was in the pub. I asked dh to come home. He didn't, when he did I asked him to leave as this time I was the one who laid down my demands.

I told dh to stop going out so much and start and put his family first. He stopped going out as much and really made an effort.
We stayed together and have talked things through.
We have both tried to make more time for each other etc.

It is hard as dh is having to work very long hours and is always tired. On top of this he has joined a band. The money does come in handy but the trouble is none of the band have children, only one is married and they are all much youinger than him. He told them that he won't play every weekend but it seems to be taking over. He has told me that one of the band has offered to let him stay at his if we do split up.

I think dh might take him up on the offer!

I am so mad. I know he feels that sex is virtually non existant but he is either in bed before me, tired or out with the bloody band and then I am asleep when he returns.

I really want to make it work. the dcs have no idea that anything is wrong.

Any advice?


skyebluesapphire Mon 08-Apr-13 19:17:49

well done for coming back.

Like Mad says, dont rush into any long term decisions. You need to be sure what YOU want now. He has blown everything apart, and he has to wait on you now. Just take some time to yourself for now. It may help to go to relate even if the marriage is over, just to talk things through finally. My Xh refused to go, but it would have helped me to answer some questions.

Have a good few days away.

Must be tempting to tell him you'll get back to him in three months, that you'll need at least that amount of time to figure out what you want to do.

(Seeing as he was saying he wouldn't be ready to leave for three months)

Ponyinthepool Mon 08-Apr-13 20:28:11

I want to give you a big kiss!!

In the short space of time since you started this thread, you've come a HUGE distance in restoring the independence and self respect he's been systematically dismantling. You've gone from bewildered to empowered in a few short posts. It's great to see.

Don't piss on the little turd if he's on fire. He continues to act with concern for his own welfare alone. He didnt care about abandoning you, you owe him no consideration whatsoever. Hoisted by his own petard, good and proper.

He may just have done you a favour House, I think this might be the start of a much better life for you.

Hopasholic Mon 08-Apr-13 20:28:51

Just wanted to say a big Well Done flowers

Have a good evening with your DC's

I wouldn't enter into any further discussions with him. Silence from you may be the way for him to in finally admit how far he has gone with the OW.

ExcuseTypos Mon 08-Apr-13 20:53:54

You must be terribly shocked at the moment, but well done for gaining the upper hand and keeping your self respect.

Whatever happens in the end, he knows not to mess with you, ever again.

4some Mon 08-Apr-13 21:07:01

(Writing under my new name after STBXH found my posts.)

Wanted to add how amazing I think your attitude/clarity is.

It is such a shock when someone we think we have such utter faith in does something so terrible.

It is ultimately your decision what you do next. Take your time. I hope whatever you choose to do ultimately brings you the peace and happy future you deserve.

lazarusb Mon 08-Apr-13 21:31:42

I've been lurking since the beginning. Your pain has been horrible to witness but I just wanted to say I admire your strength. There's another thread at the moment where a man has suddenly realised that he's totally underestimated the woman in his life and is now shit scared and begging forgiveness and reconciliation. Well done for all the steps you've taken so far. I think your relationship with your children is fantastic and dd1 is an absolute star.

All the best to you x

QuintessentialOHara Tue 09-Apr-13 08:23:14

Well done. You are an inspiration.
Awesome. (You may not feel it but you are)

MTBMummy Tue 09-Apr-13 08:31:18

House been lurking since the beginning and just wanted to add you've come such a long way, you're doing amazingly well.

I really wish I'd had your strength when I first found out about SBXH cheating on me, I took the road of it all being my fault and doing everything possible to keep him, all I did was lose my dignity and let him know he could get away with it, which he did for another year before I eventually realised and got rid of him.

LilyAmaryllis Tue 09-Apr-13 10:24:49

He has got to have a think about some of the things he's said to you - eg doesn't want family life any more, he's leaving "in 3 months" !!, etc. They are pretty big deals. Surely he hasn't forgotten?

Walkacrossthesand Tue 09-Apr-13 13:59:28

He was taking you for granted to such an extent that you and your existence as a separate human being were completely invisible to him - you were just part of the package labelled 'home', which he thought he could put down & pick up at will. He reckoned without you....

Troubledjo Tue 09-Apr-13 22:34:45

I really hope the break with your DCs gives you some space to think - and also forget for a bit and just have a nice time with them. They sound like great kids.
I would really recommend Relate. I went for a while when I split with my XP - he came one time then refused to go again and I carried on on my own. It really helped me to talk to someone neutral, to work out what I was feeling, get the negative stuff out of my system and work out how to move on. It's really hard to get a sense of perspective when you are in the middle of it all and sometimes an outside person can help with that.
Also, you often have to put on a brave face in front of DCs as you want to reassure them and it helps to have a space where you don't need to do that.
Before going to Relate I was finding it really hard to see a way forward. I would definitely recommend it and often think of the advice I was given even now (8 years later!). Oh, and I know it's a cliche but it does get better! Just take your time and don't be rushed into anything...

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