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Mil and dh issues -long and ranty

(88 Posts)
growly Thu 04-Apr-13 10:26:40

NC, I need to vent this somewhere or it's going to come out at mil. I'm quite pg and probably not at my most rational but I'm so hugely irritated I feel tense and horrible all over. This will be long.

I cant stand my mil, she's pushy, only gives a shit about me when I'm pg, she stalks me on fb and comments (within seconds) on literally everything I post. If it isn't relevant to her at all she'll ask me to explain what I mean, you can't be at all vague in a "Having one if those days" kind of way, she demands to know why exactly, what's going on. And if I ever post about the kids doing something bad she comments in a tone that's like "haha the kids are giving you hell, good on them" 

I've tried blocking her but she rings up asking why she can't post on my wall etc. if I even so much as dare delete or edit/repost one of my own statuses that she has commented on she CALLS me to demand why. She has no life of her own, literally sits at home watching tv with her mobile in her hand waiting for it to buzz with fb updates. It's driving me crazy.

We have to go and visit her every month or so, and it's 3 or 4 days of sitting in her house watching telly (her choice, lovely child suitable things like murder investigation with lots of autopsy scenes which I have to ask directly for her to turn off, to much tutting) she stuffs the kids full of crap all day long so I feel like I always have to be the bad guy saying "do they really need cake on top of haribo and a cornetto and crisps?" -when they are tearing round like deranged sugar crazed banshees she says they're hungry and tries feeding them more, so again I have to be the bad guy who has to say no, and much of the time she ignores me and feeds them anyway. She has a bin bag of Easter eggs waiting for them, we are going to visit this weekend. I'm dreading it.

I get left to look after the kids while my dh swans off to his friends for the night, stays up til the early hours so he has to have lie ins til 11am every day thereafter. No-one is up til then some days, so I have four hours every morning of trying to keep bored kids quiet, while they fight and argue.

Then they get up so late they're on a completely different meal to us, she wants you to wait until she's cooked a massive tasteless roast dinner at about 2pm, then declares everyone else will have to clear up because she's cooked. I honestly don't mind pitching in but it's annoying that she uses every pot and pan in the house for an enormous christmas dinner style crap meal no-one enjoys or asks for, usually accompanied by the sound (and smell) of her shitting loudly in the downstairs loo as she finishes her food quickly and goes off religiously for a poo while we choke the food down pretending we cant hear. It's been exactly the same, every month for the last eight years which is why my patience has evaporated by now. She has also started defrosting the raw chicken on top of the clean plates on the dish rack, it just beggars belief.

She's a boaster, always showing off about stuff she has no control over or input into, like the snow or sport "ohhh we have so much more snow than yooou" (who cares?) "our team won, completely smashed your team, ha ha" (I don't watch sport at all, I have no team!) it gets on my nerves that she feels there's some big competition and she's winning all the time. I don't fucking care, I want to scream at her to get a life!

Dh thinks I'm being a massive bitch if I mildly mention any of his mothers behaviour or flaws, bearing in mind I never speak freely and say what I really think. He's hugely defensive of her and sees her as his proper family, he never seems to defend me or even try to support me when his mum is trying to feed them their second lot of cornettos in a day or whatever, even though he is the first one to monitor how many treats they have at home.

He defers all responsibility and authority to her when we go there, and if I ask him to do anything for the kids, change a nappy or whatever, he'll huff and puff about it and she leaps to do it, looking at me in an attitude of "I'll do it if you're too much of a lazy bitch" - I've tried explaining that it's not that I want somebody else to do it, but that they're his kids and he should pull his weight. I may as well be explaining myself to the dog, she doesn't get it. Why should he get to sit on his arse on the laptop while I skivvy round after his kids and helping his mum with her housework/laundry?

Apparently you shouldn't ask someone with testicles to do anything related to housework or child rearing. She likes to take the piss out of ds if he refuses to do something by saying he's being a girl - nice attitude you're passing on there, now we see why your son is such a lazy lump who quietly thinks everything is women's work.

Aargh this isn't helping, I'm just giving myself a headache!

Anyway, we were meant to go down to visit on the bank holiday but I said no, next weekend, mainly because I didn't want to be stuck in her house for four days missing all the Easter events the kids could go to. She was really annoyed and phoned up three times to ask if we definitely weren't coming (and several times within each phonecall too) dh says she's lonely, I say she's controlling.

She invites us down when she's dying of flu, got sickness and diarrhoea, whatever. Doesn't tell you so you can't cancel, and then we all get it. The kids and I still have bad chests from last time we were down, I've been really poorly, coughing so much I was nearly sick, throat so sore I couldn't drink, nearly dislocated my jaw from coughing/retching so violently last night. So no I'm not eager to go down there and see what fucking lurgy she's going to give us this time.

So I was quite pleased that at least it wouldn't be a long weekend at hers, and we had a fab easter, going out lovely places and got some important jobs done round the house. Then this morning Dh was asking me if he should get Monday off so we could spend another day at hers. My face fell. But he was quick to say it all depended on my "moodiness" so if I say no it's like saying "yes I am a moody unreasonable bitch"

I know he lives his mum but honestly, the kids and I are literally bored to tears in her house, I could cry right now at the thought of another four days there, the total waste of time. (We aren't allowed to go out anywhere or even leave the living room for a nap or whatever, it's all seen as being antisocial and she ignores me afterwards if I do. She refuses to go anywhere so we cant take her out either)

Why can't he see it? Why am I always the bad guy? Why does he always choose her side? He'd hate to spend 4 days in one of my family's houses doing fuck all! Never mind looking after our kids on his own while I sod off to a friends overnight and my (his) family sit there bragging about themselves, telling racist jokes and piling on the pressure to name the baby after themselves. yes I'm serious!

Bless you if you've got this far, sorry its so long but I can't talk to anyone in real life about it so it was either this or the Samaritans, and as I'm not actually suicidal I probably shouldn't waste their time! Just needed to get it out.

Hopeforever Thu 04-Apr-13 10:33:55

Well done on not saying this out loud to him, I'd have had to years ago!

I diagnose a condition at your stage of pregnancy that make the journey impossible!

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Apr-13 10:34:02

Sorry... I got as far as you sitting in her house for 3 or 4 days a month... is that right?!?! Adult women are just not meant to be in each others houses for that long.... Just refuse to engage except on your terms. Block on FB, screen the phone-calls and - if you're still trapped in her house - make arrangements to get yourself home. If your DH has a problem with it give him the old 'it's her or me' speech and make a stand.

EndoplasmicReticulum Thu 04-Apr-13 10:35:52

Sounds grim. I think your husband is at fault here, he is the one disappearing off out and turning into a lazy arse while you are there. What would happen if you put your foot down either about going at all or about length of visit? If the answer is she would complain at you, we'll she doesn't seem to like you much anyway so it's no loss. I would suggest your husband could make a least some of these visits on his own.

EndoplasmicReticulum Thu 04-Apr-13 10:36:57

Oh and delete your Facebook account, it 's not worth the hassle.

Caitycat Thu 04-Apr-13 10:38:43

She sounds truly awful and your dh is not helping matters at all. My dh is also pretty rubbish at sharing childcare and I thought I had a hard time with pile but nothing like this. No advice I'm afraid other than perhaps find a reason why you need to go out one evening while you're there (hard when it's not your friends but perhaps a theatre visit or something) and say dh needs to stay with dcs and get them up the next morning as you always do when he goes out.

purplewithred Thu 04-Apr-13 10:40:58

She sounds APPALLING!

Nothing is going to change of its own accord. You have to choose between a lifetime of what you have now, and doing the facebook block - one-night-only - her-or-me thing. Neither are great options: carrying on as you are is clearly going to result in murder; putting your foot down is going to cause huge ructions and may not work. Sorry.

olympicsrock Thu 04-Apr-13 10:41:11

Bloody hell you poor sod. I don't blame you it sounds awful. I think this is one of those times where you let him visit his mum on his own some of the time and opt to stay at home with or without dcs. Could you find some preg related reason not to go? Is your back better in your own bed or maybe you sleep better at home.
I don't know how you've survived 8 years of this. With regards to her awful cooking maybe insist on treating family to a meal out to save washing up. And just tell dc that if you go with him he can't go out to his friends and lie in bed all morning, just not reasonable he needs to grow up. Good luck

HousewifeFromHeaven Thu 04-Apr-13 10:41:57

Now I normally wouldn't say this however

PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN

if you don't do it now, you will be saying the same thing for eeeeevvvvvveeeerrrrrr

And then you will become all bitter and nasty yourself. Save yourself and your kids before its too late!!!!! grin

Selks Thu 04-Apr-13 10:45:26

Let your DH take the kids to see her and you stop at home. You don't have to go.
You need to put your foot down with DH more imo,

mistlethrush Thu 04-Apr-13 10:52:37

How far away is she that you need to stay the night?

You need to put your foot down about the 'having to stay in the living room'. Its not on with children. You need to arrange to do things and if she wants to join in with plans, great, if she doesn't she's the one that's missing out (and I would be getting the children to recount what their favourite thing was from the day in front of anyone that didn't come).

If that's not acceptable, the plain answer is let your DH take the children and stay at home (with which ever child is not old enough to go with DH). He's their father - if he wants to spend 4 days of utter boredom with his mother, he can do, but he can act like a father at the same time rather than lumping you with all the hard work. 'I'm sorry, DH, but I cannot spend another long weekend getting bored and doing all the childcare and having all my concerns completely ignored, whilst we get no exercise, don't stir from the house and the only one that has any social life is you'.

Facebook - delete your account or at least block her - and tell her that you can't cope with her constant comments on your wall etc. Either that or blame facebook for her not being able to write there - 'no, I've done nothing with my account...'. She can be friends with your DH so I'm sure she can get all the info and pictures from him wink

growly Thu 04-Apr-13 11:06:28

Thanks all. Unfortunately the situation is tricky, she lives in the middle of nowhere and I don't drive so once we're there I'm stuck until dh decides its time to go, usually we don't get home til about 10pm, with work/school in the mornings. She and dh don't give a shit, again it's me being antisocial if I suggest we leave earlier for the kids sake.

There's nothing I could say pregnancy related that would prevent us going down in her view.she thinks people should just get on with it. When I had my second degree tear, when my baby had severe chickenpox, when we were all throwing up a few months ago... None of it made any difference, she still wants you there. So in all those situations I had to fight my own corner against them, and in the last example it wasn't til dh got the trots that he finally agreed maybe we shouldn't go. He and mil think I make everything up, they never think I'm ill, just looking for excuses not to visit.

I can't let dh take the kids without me, number one she has a nasty little dog who is constantly looking for an excuse to bite the kids so I spend the whole time keeping them separated - nobody else takes it seriously or apparently cares. Number two he'd leave the child care entirely to her and her answer to everything is to feed them. They need entertainment, exercise and stimulation, not just food all day (all her family is morbidly obese including the kids. I am too but I'm trying my bloody best to raise them in a balanced way so they DON'T turn out like me, and so far my kids are the perfect weight for their ages so it pisses me off when she does everything she can to undermine my efforts) and god knows what she'd let them watch on tv. They're 2 and 5.

I don't know anyone where she lives so these no-one I can visit. If we said we wanted to go out one night I know he'd be apologising for it and "blaming" it on me, as if it was an act of treachery.

milkymocha Thu 04-Apr-13 11:07:30

Let your DH go alone!
You can starfish in your own bed, eat what you like and take the kids somewhere lovely!

Fuck your MIL, she doesnt care about your feelings so why should you care about hers? I say that being a person that adores my MIL btw!

She sounds awful. And so does your DH tbh!

cocolepew Thu 04-Apr-13 11:10:11

Block her on fb, say you don't know why she can't post on your wall.
Screen your calls, don't answer if you don't want to.
Tell Dh to take the children himself to visit.
Are the children old enough to tell him whether they want to go or not?

mistlethrush Thu 04-Apr-13 11:11:07

What's stopping her visiting you instead? For just a night of course. And only once a month. Find a local kennel that will take her dog too...

growly Thu 04-Apr-13 11:12:05

Mistlethrush, over 100 miles away.

I keep in touch with all my friends ( who I rarely see in real life due to work etc) on Facebook, it's crap that I should have to get rid of it because of her, but if I blocked her I'd have to block her entire family because she'd be on the phone asking them if they could read my stuff or not. And she'd call me to ask why she couldn't see my stuff. I know because I blocked her before and that's what happened. I deleted her and she sent me umpteen friend requests and called, called, called... she has no tact, no subtlety, she doesn't take hints.

God I sound like a whinger. I'm just so fed up by it all.

milkymocha Thu 04-Apr-13 11:12:26

No is a complete sentence wink

SarahBumBarer Thu 04-Apr-13 11:14:04

Well then you are either going to have to stop making excuses and just tell DH that you do not want to go, are not going to go and exactly why. Or you have to let him go with the kids and accept that they will eat shit for a weekend. Not the end of the world but if it was me I would find a backbone, be brutally honest and refuse to go (or let the kids go without decent effort from DH).

Is this a marriage breaker kind of deal for you? Is it getting there? Hopefully not if you're pg and you do just need a rant.

I'm really sorry but I did giggle (in horror and sympathy) at the listening to her poo section.

Annianni Thu 04-Apr-13 11:14:44

Don't go. Put your foot down and tell your Dh to go on his own.
Delete your fb, so you don't have to deal with her crap.

I don't do any of that visiting for days business anymore and it's great.
But my Dh feels the same way.

If you can't throw an emotional strop when you're pregnant, when can you? grin

Good luck op.

SarahBumBarer Thu 04-Apr-13 11:15:54

Re facebook, you can half block her -someone more techie will know how to do it. So she can see what you choose and still post on your wall etc but you can do lots of posts just for your friends/own family etc. I know this because a friend recently did a wall post about a surprise party for her mum and it was clear that her mum and some of her family would not be able to see this particular post or replies.

growly Thu 04-Apr-13 11:16:01

She can't visit because she doesn't drive, expects dh to chauffeur her back and forth if she does come, and won't leave her bitey dog. We'd have to give her our bed and sleep on the living room floor. Plus when she comes she stays for about 9 days. Horror.

Annianni Thu 04-Apr-13 11:16:44

Just seen your latest post.

Delete your fb and start a new one, with a different name and no photo, to keep in touch with your friends.

mistlethrush Thu 04-Apr-13 11:19:40

100 miles - so a day trip is quite on the cards. One night maximum - and she can do half the travelling herself. My parents are 200 miles away - and we sometimes meet up in the middle for a day out together, so I know that 100 miles is perfectly doable.

Re 11am wake ups - I would stop trying to keep your children quiet - 8am I think is perfectly reasonable as a getting up time - for everyone in the house, given they particularly want 'to see the children' and then, given you've got an additional 3hrs of the day, sort something out for going out. And don't let DH stop in bed until 11am to get out of it.

ohforfoxsake Thu 04-Apr-13 11:20:01

Delete your FB account and start a new one for your proper friends and the. You can tell her it got hacked and you closed it.

Can you compromise on two nights not four?

Maybe he can take the 5 yo and leave the 2yo with you?

It's too much every month. I wouldn't go, but then DH doesn't come to visit my family and I rarely go to his. We both enjoy the break.

sleeton Thu 04-Apr-13 11:21:49

How far away is she? Does she have other Children (other than your DH) and Grandchildren? Is she living alone, widowed/divorced?

It does sound truly awful for you, but my instinctive feeling when you were describing her was that here is someone who is lonely, and trying desperately to appear 'jolly', involved and very much part of everything. Wanting to believe she was the valued matriarch of the family!
Reading your post, I could almost just hear her in my imagination boasting to her acquaintances that her Ds and Ddil visit every month, that her grandchildren couldn't live without her roast dinners, and I could even imagine her (as I read it) telling people that she and her dil (you) are very close.

Could any of my imaginings be true? If so, then maybe there is still room for you to (kindly) manipulate the situation to make it much more bearable!

[Meantime, why not set up a second facebook account, a secret one that you can direct your friends to]!

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