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Can you ever get the trust back?

(10 Posts)
SomewhereOrNowhere Thu 04-Apr-13 10:11:43

Have Nc for this.
Brief history: I lied about something to my DH - not cheating or anything of the like but something I should've told him at the time(don't want to say what it was as Dont want to out myself)
I told him a year later(happened in 2011 told him in 2012)
He's now finding it hard to trust me and says what else am I keeping in
How do I gain his trust back? Can we ever move on from this?
If your Dp has lied to you and you stayed together how long was it before you felt you could completely trust them again?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Apr-13 10:26:28

Depends how serious the original lie was I suppose. When I discovered my exH had blown several thousand pounds when he was already in debt and asking me to find the majority of the housekeeping.... I don't think there was anything he could have done subsequently to make me trust him with money again. If it had been something trivial like smashing an ornament and not telling me.... meh.

Do you think your DH's reaction is reasonable?

SomewhereOrNowhere Thu 04-Apr-13 10:31:17

I understand his reaction and I suppose he isn't being unreasonable, but we've talked about it at length and he's Said he forgives me for not telling him but its still something that he brings up in arguments, it's my lie that is the problem rather than the incident iyswim

fishandlilacs Thu 04-Apr-13 10:45:05

My DH did something similar to me. confessed a brief encounter with a work colleague at a party to me a year later. I do believe he didn't have sex with her. That was years ago. we had counselling for it and yes you can get the trust back. he has proved himself over and over again to be loving, trustworthy and a good husband and father to our 2 children. I barely think of it now and I trust him.

SomewhereOrNowhere Thu 04-Apr-13 10:48:23

Thank you fish, I don't expect him to forget about it straightaway I just want to know that eventually he will be able to trust me again one day

BurtNo Thu 04-Apr-13 10:51:05

i think its possible but it may take some time, and there is scope for it to be used as point scoring - make sure you have done a full disclosure though, drip feeding of info or minimising can be really damaging

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Apr-13 10:52:11

" Said he forgives me for not telling him but its still something that he brings up in arguments"

Then you have to stop being apologetic, stop being guilty, and tell him to get over it. If he says he forgives but then uses it as a stick with which to beat you... he's being dishonest. Either he doesn't forgive and you can't move on or he forgives and he shuts up about it.

SomewhereOrNowhere Thu 04-Apr-13 11:12:55

I do feel guilty for how I made him feel and I would never lie to him again but it's easy for me to say but harder for him to really accept
I think we will have to have another conversation tonight about it because its really getting me down, I know I made the mistake and I feel rotten for lying but I can't go on like this wondering when he will bring it up next and if he will ever trust me again

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 04-Apr-13 11:25:15

No you can't go like this. Making a serious mistake is bad. Lying about it is worse. It's understandable that he's angry or upset but - without knowing the severity of what you did - if you're in a cycle where it gets brought up all the time and it's making everyone unhappy, you can decide if that's something you're prepared to tolerate. If it's been a year, things should really be improving... not getting worse.

SomewhereOrNowhere Thu 04-Apr-13 11:34:35

Thank you for the advice, I will talk to him tonight and then go fr there

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