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Not in love with husband anymore and pregnant, I don't know what to do.

(106 Posts)
chasanddavearecrap Thu 04-Apr-13 09:34:39

Have Nc for this as am on the anti-natal boards.

I am 9 weeks pregnant. Baby planned, but since I found out 5 weeks ago, things have been up and down with dh. As we were trying, I was talking to him about tests a few days before my period was due. Took one, positive, he didn't believe it. Took more, he still didn't believe (as I got them from one of the cheap shops). The day before my period was due, I bought a couple of super duper expensive ones, did them with him outside the door, handed them to him so he could see the line forming.

That evening when he came home from work, he initiated a huge row. Saying how shit his life was, how he hated everything about it, that I had forced him into trying for a baby (I hadn't, he wanted to as well). It was vile, he was threatening to leave. I have an older dc from a previous marriage who loves him.

He calmed down. Took some of what he said back, but it was like a switch had been flicked in my head.

Two weeks later he did it again, screaming in my face for hours. He again took it back, has been attentive etc. But I think it's a face, he's so nasty sometimes, not to me as such, but gets wound up at the tv, randomly shouting that people are 'cunts'.

I spent last night in bed in tears (while he was asleep) as when we were walking home, we saw a pretty bad bit of driving, he said 'I bet it's either a black or a woman driving'. I hate him.

I know now that I made a terrible mistake, he's so different to me. He's never read a book in his life and is proud of it.

But the thing thats really getting to me is that I don't want my baby and I feel evil for it. I feel nothing towards it. I had a baby book/journal for my older child, I wrote everything in it, first scan pics etc, I loved him and felt protective from so early on in pregnancy. I spent last night praying I would miscarry. Please don't judge me.

Cherriesarelovely Thu 04-Apr-13 09:51:47

It sounds as if you are in an incredibly difficult situation. No need to fear judgement from me that's for sure. It is not surprising that you feel so conflicted about the pregnancy given his abusive response to you!! You are not evil, not at all.

Not that it's an excuse but did he do this aggressive screaming at you thing in the past or is it totally new-besides screaming at the telly?

Willow36 Thu 04-Apr-13 09:52:43

Not judging you. Massive hugs, you sound so stressed.

Your husband sounds like a twat. My main concern at the moment is for you. If you don't want to be with him any more then leave. You can do it, you'll be ok.

The baby - well you need to make that decision. Don't rush the decision but only you know if you can continue to carry this baby.


Cherriesarelovely Thu 04-Apr-13 09:53:04

Actually I just re read the op. He sounds hideous. No wonder you want out.

TheOrchardKeeper Thu 04-Apr-13 09:54:56

Have you talked to someone about an abortion?

Marie Stopes?

And have you thought about an exit plan?

NaturalBlondeYeahRight Thu 04-Apr-13 09:55:07

You would not be a bad person for changing the course of your life right now.

TheOrchardKeeper Thu 04-Apr-13 09:56:06

P.S my skin would be crawling all over if I was pregnant by this man & had to live with him so don't feel guilty. Just think about what you want, both with this pregnancy & with this relationship.

he sounds vile, sorry thanks

Branleuse Thu 04-Apr-13 09:56:13

he sounds awful. You cant just take back things you say. Hes fucked it up.

Dont worry about bonding with baby yet. That will come in time.
You dont want to even know some of the feelings i had about my last pregnancy. Shes a wonderful 5 year old now and my little sidekick

BassDownLow Thu 04-Apr-13 09:57:33

No judgements from me. It sounds like a really difficult situation.

Can you get a break from him? Seek some support from friends and family, maybe see a counsellor - and just grt a bit of mental space? You need to do what is right for you and your older child.

Fwiw, his behaviour is unaccpetable. He sounds like a nasty bully.

chasanddavearecrap Thu 04-Apr-13 09:57:56

I wish I could leave, but I can't.

I don't work, I am a mature student. Dh works, but on low wage (not that low, but we live in a high rent area) so we claim a bit of HB. If I were to leave, I would lose my home, it's incredibly difficult to find a house to rent if you claim full HB (which I would have to do to continue my course, even finding a place who would rent to us with dh working full time and only claiming a small amount of hb was near impossible) and the council don't help at all.

I have a very difficult ex husband too who is waiting to swoop and take custody of my older child, being homeless or living in a b and b or god knows where i'd end up, he'd take him. Dh is is horibble, but not to my older child who adores him and vice versa.

chasanddavearecrap Thu 04-Apr-13 09:58:58

I have no friends - only school gate ones. Lost them all when I was going through hideous divoirce with ex who blackened my name. I have no family either, only child and my parents are long dead.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Thu 04-Apr-13 09:59:09

I'm not surprised a switch has flicked - one episode of this behaviour from him would be unacceptable.

Is there somewhere safe you can go and stay to think clearly about what you want to do?

Don't worry about your older dc loving him - there may be short term upset if you split but in the long term they will be much better off in a stable household, not one with an abusive parent.

Definitely no judging and ((hugs))

juneau Thu 04-Apr-13 10:00:49

God, that sounds horrible and your DH sounds like a total knob sad

OP, you have two separate issues here 1) Do you want to stay with this man? and 2) Do you want to keep this baby? Since you're already nine weeks pregnant, you might want to make an appointment with your GP/BPAS/etc, to discuss the pregnancy and your choices, just so you are clear about your options.

TheOrchardKeeper Thu 04-Apr-13 10:01:10

You should speak to someone at women's aid.

They can help you out with practicalities and reassure you that just because you were in a B&B or similar accommodation that is not sufficient grounds for taking away your custody of DC(s).

Women's Aid

Marie Stopes

Really is worth talking your options out, on both issues. Don't decide you have to put up with it until you know exactly what the options are.


LemonPeculiarJones Thu 04-Apr-13 10:02:46

You need to end this relationship. Poor you, what a difficult situation.

Focus on making moves to separate. That is your priority.

Talk to someone about the possibility of termination - Marie Stopes has a helpline, as TheOrchard said. You don't have to terminate, the feelings of dissociation you are having are very normal due to what's happening. You can leave your H and still have the baby if you wish. Equally you don't have to go through with the pregnancy.

Good luck.

TheOrchardKeeper Thu 04-Apr-13 10:04:42

To be honest, from your second post it sounds like he probably knows you're between a rock & a hard place & are less likely to leave so feels he can let his treatment of you slip. Sorry to sound like i'm jumping to conclusions but that's how it sounds from what little you've said.

Hope you're ok besides this & have a good support network around you.

TheOrchardKeeper Thu 04-Apr-13 10:06:03

(I spoke to Marie Stopes when I had an unplanned pregnancy & it really helped me clear my head. I ended up keeping my now DS actually so they don't try to sway you either way...they just make sure that whatever you do, you do it for you)

chasanddavearecrap Thu 04-Apr-13 10:06:38

If I leave dh I am not having this baby. I am already tied to my ex husband forever with ds. It breaks ds heart every other weekend when he's ferried between us, I can't do that to another child.

I feel so terrible. I nearly lost ds at birth due to illness and now I am thinking these terrible things about this baby? Whats wrong with me?

My ex has everything I don't. He's very rich, huge house. Could give ds the best of everything, rather than me having fucked up my life and ending up in some shitty temp accommodation.

chasanddavearecrap Thu 04-Apr-13 10:07:06

You have all been so kind, thankyou.

TheOrchardKeeper Thu 04-Apr-13 10:08:53

I am thinking these terrible things about this baby? Whats wrong with me

You are being practical by the sounds of it! It's understandable considering the father & the state of your relationship.

And if your ex is a twunt then your DC is much richer in the fact that he has a loving mum. That counts for a lot more so do not put yourself down!

chasanddavearecrap Thu 04-Apr-13 10:10:00

Btw, he said he wanted to leave me, but couldn't because of my older child. That I am a terrible parent and he couldn't leave him with me, that it would be best for everyone if I went. That he knew I would have nothing without him and would end up god knows where so he'd feel guilty.

Rainbowinthesky Thu 04-Apr-13 10:10:20

You need an exit plan as others have said and need to decide whether you are keeping this baby. You have time but the pregnancy is the most pressing matter. Decide what you are going to do about this first as this will impact on your future planning.

TheOrchardKeeper Thu 04-Apr-13 10:12:40

^ Oh god, I'm so sorry he's been so horrid.

The longer you stay with him the more likely you are to believe the crap he's coming out with and the shitter you are going to feel. You deserve better & he's just head-fucking you.

juneau Thu 04-Apr-13 10:13:19

Btw, he said he wanted to leave me, but couldn't because of my older child. That I am a terrible parent and he couldn't leave him with me, that it would be best for everyone if I went. That he knew I would have nothing without him and would end up god knows where so he'd feel guilty.

Please speak to Women's Aid OP. It's clear that your DH knows you're stuck and is abusing you simply because he knows he can - that you can't get away because of finances, that you're already being threatened by your ex with the loss of your DS, that you have no family. Please reach out - there is help available.

TheOrchardKeeper Thu 04-Apr-13 10:15:29

You really do need to call women's aid, as you're really not as trapped as he's made you feel & it really is possible to much happier, no matter how much skinter.

Just make that step & the rest won't seem so scary. Plus you'll have a better idea of what will happen & won't be so scared.

He's using your fear to control you. Please don't let him

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