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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Help! Relationship on breaking point

15 replies

kayde12 · 04/04/2013 09:15

Hi I'm a bit of a newbie but need some help. Bit of background info, I've been married for two years and we have 2 small kids. Dh has never been certain about career choice and often changes his mind I.e mentoring, lecturer etc. He has a well paid job at the moment and were starting to save as we have very little ( spent savings on baby, wedding etc). I plan to go back to work part time.
Now here's the problem, Dh really wants to go to medical school to become a Doctor next year. The thing is he suffers from confidence and self esteem problems and doesn't cope we'll with stress. He is very disorganised and has a poor memory, though this has improved with work.
My stance is that I don't entirely think its the best vocation suited for him and maybe wait a few years until were more stable financially and the baby is in school ( were meant to be saving for mortgage- not going to happen now!)However, I do love him and would ideally like to support him on his ambitions. So with been discussing this. He is saying we can get financial support from bursaries, loans etc and training will help him improve organisation etc. He is so adamant and has said he's considered all the pros and cons.
I know that the profession is extremely draining in every way and that it will effect the family.
we've argued and discussed this every night but just proving to be a huge problem in our relationship. I feel torn and have nobody to talk to. Please help!

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kayde12 · 04/04/2013 09:17

Sorry for silly typos silly auto correct on phone!

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MorrisZapp · 04/04/2013 09:24

Hiya, just a thought but has your dh got an acceptance from medical school? I'm sure it's v competitive to get in. This could all be theoretical otherwise.

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kayde12 · 04/04/2013 09:30

No it's all theoretical! I don't think he will get in because of his lack of experience and the competitiveness. I sound awfully unsupportive but I need to be honest. I'm quite upset, I don't want to hurt him....

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MorrisZapp · 04/04/2013 09:34

I don't know what your relationship is like, but if he won't hear it from you I'd be tempted to let him hear it from the admissions panel.

Could he even cope with the interview process?

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vitaminC · 04/04/2013 09:34

I remember your previous thread on this. Did you show him the replies you got on there?

I don't think he's being very realistic, but I don't really think he stands much chance of being offered a place, either, tbh!

You say he has memory problems. I'm in my 3rd year of medical school and there is a HUGE amount of memorising information required in the first half of a medical degree!

I got straight As at A-level, have a prestigious degree and an MBA (and a 15-year managerial-level career in industry under my belt), but medical school is the hardest thing I've ever done and is seriously testing the limits of my sanity right now. The workload is massive and the concentration required is exhausting!

If I were you, I'd humour him and let him pursue this avenue, until it rules itself out (when he doesn't get offered a place). Get yourself a job, save as much money as you can, and try to get some relationship counselling to deal with the other aspects of your marriage (especially communication and your shared/individual life goals ) as well as some individual counselling for him to deal with his self-esteem issues and life direction in general.

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MorrisZapp · 04/04/2013 09:37

Yup, listen to vitaminc.

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karatekimmi · 04/04/2013 09:38

While it is nice to be supportive he is being very selfish. He is putting his wants above the family needs. The hours are very very long and unsocial able. He won't be able to support you with the baby. It may mean its not possible to go back to work. You might not be able to find work to fit in, or afford the rent. In 7 years when he qualifies he will have thousands and thousands of pounds of debt (well actually you both will from a family finance poit of view).

As morris said has he got a place? Will it be local or us it case of you all moving to a different place or living seperately? With 2 rents leaving the accounts? And even less support? I'd be waiting till the baby is in school or preschool definitely. That is without considering whether his personality is suited to becoming a doctor.

I wouldn't say no, just have a very realistic think about it.

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kayde12 · 04/04/2013 09:40

Yes vitamin- showed him previous thread which he said was bollocks! He is adamant! I agree with you about just sitting back.
Regarding memory thing he's in complete denial and reckons if will get better on the job! He doesn't take negativity or criticism well at all. In fact he's extreme with it, even more a reason why it doesn't suit him now. How can I help with his self esteem issues. He doesn't want to see a counsellor..

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karatekimmi · 04/04/2013 09:42

vitaminc said it much better and I agree with the plan to let him attempt to get a place, without jacking his job in!

My DH wants to emigrate to Canada. I'm not bothered but I said okay,, let's see of we can get visas with no intention of doing anything he never even looked at the Canadian website!

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kayde12 · 04/04/2013 09:43

No place yet- he wants to sit the Gamsat exam this year. He reckons finance will be a doddle and isn't concerned at all.

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CoolCadbury · 04/04/2013 09:47

I'm with Morris on this, has he actually got a place to study medicine?

I would be really anxious about this too, especially as he seems to change his mind so often. There is a world of difference between mentoring and doing medicine. This chopping and changing must make you feel very insecure financially too.

Is it just that he is unhappy in his job but not really sure what to do?

Studying medicine is at least a five/six year commitment and its tough/gruelling financially, mentally and physically, never mind the added strains it would put on the family.

I think your idea of waiting a few years is a good one. You can save both for a mortgage and for the course to ease the financial burden that is likely to occur. If its something that he wants to do, then delaying it for a few years will be neither here or there in the great scheme of things. And you never know, he may change his mind again.

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vitaminC · 04/04/2013 09:49

You can't help with his self-esteem issues, if he won't accept it! But you can insist on joint counselling, which may be the push he needs to accept the idea of working on his own issues...

At the end of the day, you won't be able to change him. All you can do is firmly state your own boundaries and stick to them!

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kayde12 · 04/04/2013 09:51

It's just persuading him to wait! He's reckons to go for it when kids are young. I'm trying do hard not to stress!

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vitaminC · 04/04/2013 09:57

Focus on your own plans and do whatever you can to ensure your own security and stability. Finding a job seems like the obvious first step.

He's an adult and he needs to take responsibility for his own life and decisions. The best thing you can do is to take a step back, take care of your own future and let him get on with it...

If you still love him and think your relationship has a future and is worth fighting for, tell yourself you'll be there to support him when if he fails and falls flat on his face! But you can't live his life on his behalf - it's time to let him make his own mistakes and learn from them!

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kayde12 · 04/04/2013 11:49

I have a stable job that I love. It also provides good money and stabiltyI will be going back part time in Sep until the baby is in school. I think that's why I feel guilty. Dh says I have my profession but he doesn't. Only time will tell, thanks for your replies ladies.