Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Am I being unreasonable about this?(40 Posts)
Namechanged for this; the shame. DP and I moved in together 3 months ago - and you're going to tell me that I should have done my due diligence before doing so, and I agree. Blinded by love, bla bla, stupid stupid, I understand I am lying in the bed I made.
He hasn't told most of his family about me yet. He told his parents he was 'seeing someone' but not that we live together - they are worriers, apparently, and he is going through issues with his ex (who doesn't sound stable) and his kids. I wasn't involved in their break-up, but it's something that from what he says is still raw in his ex and kids' mind - breakup was instigated by him. I understand his point, but how long am I expected to wait on this? A year? Two years??
So his parents don't know about me. His ex and kids don't. His brother does, but none of his other siblings - his friends know and I've met them, but not met the brother.
On the flipside I've introduced him to my mum and my DC see him regularly, plus my ex is fully aware of my new relationship. I feel I had to strong-arm him into telling his parents he wsa even seeing someone, and that I have integrated him into my life, but not vice versa. I thought he would tell them once things had settled down with his ex but she continues not to settle, and I think he's too scared to.
He makes sense when he says his ex and kids will find the idea of me upsetting (and actually I believe that his ex would make it very difficult for him to see their kids out of spite, if she heard he was in a new relationship, hence my quietitude so far), but tbh in that case I don't feel he should be in a relationship - he's living a double life. I love him very much but I want a relationship that doesn't make me feel like a dirty secret.
It's making me really resent him. I don't want to give up on our relationship as he's a good DP and makes me happy 99% of the time but then I think if he was a 'good DP' I wouldn't be a secret to his family - if you're living with someone your parents should have met them, right??
AIBU? And obviously, WWYD?
So you havent even met any of his family?
Are you sure he is even telling you the truth?
I certainly wouldnt have moved in with someone without knowing much more about them. If he is living with you, then obviously your DC (if they also live with you) see him regularly.. and you know next to nothing about him. Worrying.
Because if you've been together less than 6 months then I would say it's fair enough to wait until he's secure in the relationship before introducing you to his family, especially his kids. But then, if he wasn't secure in the relationship then he shouldn't have moved in with you.
A year. Whirlwind romance. I'm stupid - I am completely aware that I've done a stupid thing getting involved with someone who isn't sorted ... I accept people are going to tell me I should never have gone there, but it's too late and I just need to fix this mess. I truly believed (and to a major extent still believe, though the doubts are creeping in) that this was the man I was going to marry.
I naively thought he'd sort out access, ex would get over things and move on and we'd be happy. Before we lived together I understood him not telling his family a lot more, it's good to be cautious ... I thought things would change once we 'committed', but they haven't.
Now I'm starting to suspect that we have different ideas of committment, and also what living an 'honest life' is. To me it's scary that he can lie for such an extended period of time - makes me worry that maybe he's lying to me. How would I know.
And obviously, you shouldn't have moved in with someone when there's such a huge issue that needs resolving, but you know that!
Right, a year. I'd move out and move on if I were you.
I can understand not having met his parents (I've been going out with my bf nearly a year and haven't met his mum) but not existing as far as his ex and his DC are concerned sounds a little odd. Where does he see his DC if he's living with you?
squeakytoy - that's my worry. I've met enough of his friends and work colleagues that I know his life isn't a lie iyswim, and had done before we moved in together. When we moved in I was meeting new friends pretty regularly, went to a friend's wedding with him etc so it felt like we were getting closer to 'full disclosure'.
But now ... I don't know. We had an argument on Monday night (fuelled by this issue) and then last night he said ex had decided to stay with a friend so he was going to sleep over there to look after the kids. No phone call, a text. Texted me after midnight to see if I was still awake - I wasn't. Called this morning, straight to voicemail. Eventually called him from work (he has day off today) and he had just got up.
Sorry, that was a drip-feed - it was the instigation for my post essentially.
Ha, Fluxedo, I do know that. Sigh. I don't think I'm at the moving out stage - I think if he pulls his finger out and sees the effect this is having (and will have, when his kids find out he's been lying!), it can get back on track. But I don't like feeling this way so if things continue, days are numbered.
Squeakytoy - mine are 3 and 5. Old enough to have a connection, which is why I worry so much.
He takes his kids for dinner, cinema etc and then delivers them home at bedtime usually. Or if ex is away for a weekend will go over there and stay - that happens rarely.
So been there and done that!
I finally finished after on/off for over 2 years and still I hadn't met any of his family or kids.
From my experience, I'd say get out now before you waste any more of your life.
The excuses will keep coming and the resentment will build.
He will tell you he will introduce you, but there will be things that get in the way etc....
Seriously - trust me on this one!!!
You don't have to know that he's lying to you. All that matters is that you are really uncomfortable with what has already emerged. You are unhappy with things and feel you've been sold a pup ... that's all you need to know & it's perfectly valid.
'Whirlwind romances' are often engineered by people that don't want you to have too much time to stop and think clearly about the real them. They want you nicely netted so that you can't get away too easily when you discover the true extent of the problem.
Men who try to make exes out to be bunny-boiling nutters are also to be given a wide berth IME.
I think you'd be doing the wrong thing to try to fix stuff that is not of your making from within the relationship. If his ex and his kids would find you 'upsetting' that's entirely his problem... not yours. How easy would it be for you to move back out?
Sounds to me like there are a lot of unresolved issues with his "ex" too.
Be prepared for him moving back out again, or tell him to leave.
How long have you been together?
How long after starting this relationship did you move in together?
Did you both move into a new place together or did one of you move into the other person's house?
In what way is his ex not 'settling down' and in what way would she continue not to 'settle' if she knew about you? What does that even mean?
I would be very wary if I were you.
"last night he said ex had decided to stay with a friend so he was going to sleep over there to look after the kids. No phone call, a text"
Don't waste your life being someone else's afterthought...
God it looks bad written down. Really bad.
Cogito I have savings, I could move. I have half the deposit I'd need to get back but I can afford to just move.
I want to give him a chance to make it right first, however. If, like hellsbells says, all I get are excuses and arguments and accusations, that's when I know it's not worth continuing, right? I feel I should be valuing myself more than that.
I can see why he might think it's easier to keep you all separate, but that really is cowardly and very disrespectful to your feelings (and to his own family and children tbh). I'd be very wary.
How ex is his ex? When did they split up? Are they divorced, how often does he see his dc and where does this contact take place?
Where was he living before he moved in with you?
sorry I was slow to post.
I think the only thing you can do now is talk to him again, without it turning into a row, and find out exactly why you haven't met his family yet and when he is planning on introducing you.
After a year at least his ex should have 'settled down' to the fact that they are no longer together.
TBH I don't think he'll get back together with the ex ... well, how do I now, I thought a lot of things. I just feel so ... horrible in myself. Secondhand.
Going onto mobile now so please excuse short messages/typos. Taking all of your comments on board. DP and I have a talk later so I feel better knowing that other people find this situation not just undesirable, but suspicious.
Everything you think you know about his ex (she'll be upset by you, she'd stop him seeing his children, she's unstable) is purely from what your dp has told you.
He's keeping a very careful distance between you and anyone who might be in a position to tell you a different story about what's really been happening.
Even if everything he's been telling you is 100% true, it still comes down to one thing - your feelings are being put waaaaaay down on his list of priorities here. Everyone else's feelings are being spared at the expense of your own.
and how do you know his ex had gone out and that was why he was staying there?
And how old are his kids exactly?
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.