Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
How to get trust fully back(14 Posts)
So my story:
Last July I looked at my Dh's twitter account (I know, very bad but he gave me his old Ipad and I was looking around at things on it as it was a new toy).
I found messages between him and someone he used to work with that consisted of "I hate that I want to Fuck you so bad". The messages where dated sept-nov so ended 6 months before I even found out, I trust him 100% that nothing happened past the messages (he even commented in the messages to her that "he knows nothing would really happen and he just enjoys the talk").
Now this was almost a year ago, I have gotten over it (mostly) and we are definitely not going to split up over it. I have passwords to everything and he fully understands that I am/will check up on him, I even have a phone tracker so I know where he (or at least his phone) is. He is truly sorry, and feels terrible - I can see that.
But I still can't get fully past it. My fear is - He is trained as a web developer so as ridiculous as it sounds, is fully capable of making a website/email just to use to talk to other women on, and now that this is in the open, he will just hide it better if there was a next time. Also, he is is now away for the first time since (the messages where going on while he was in the US with work, he goes about once a year) and I am starting to panic slightly.
I know in my heart that he isn't/wouldn't doing anything again - he offered to change job, not go away with work any more.
Our day to day lives are (almost) perfect, no issues and we are both open with our feelings more then ever, but I still just have these random panic attacks and have to check everything, and once I'm done checking I feel stupid that I obviously don't find anything. - It's been almost a year and I am getting frustrated and annoyed with myself for not being able just to get over this last little bit.
Has anyone been through the same and come out the other side? does anyone have any tips to just try to calm down to stop me having the crazy jealous wife moments? I even feel silly writing this out but I think part of the problem is not talking to anyone about it apart from him.
I am over it 95% - I just need help with the last 5%
I don't think it does go, I'm afraid. You just have to get on and enjoy life as fully as possible BUT be willing and open-minded enough to listen to your instincts. IME when there's a genuine niggle, it feels different from the sense of general distrust, but we are very good at ignoring those niggles.
You are not a "crazy jealous wife". I totally appreciate why you feel untrusting of your Dh in this situation. I would say it is completely understandable that you still feel the need to check up on him. I don't imagine there is any quick or easy way to regain trust. If you have definitely decided you don't want to split then it is a matter of time....either you will eventually feel at ease and reassured or you wont. It must be especially difficult given his job though. It would drive me up the wall.
Too right stuffez. My instinct has been right both times I was cheated on, just wish I had listened sooner and trusted myself.
Thank you so much! It's such a relief to hear I'm not being crazy and that other people think it's still justified that I would want to check.
Because it's been so long I feel silly that that need still comes sometimes.
Just having people say they understand the need has made me feel so much better.
I think when you've been betrayed, you never regain the blind innocent trust you had. I also think I would never feel that kind of trust for any partner in the future either.
I'd like to say that's not a bad thing, really, but I'd be lying. I really miss that part of myself.
I would say you must trust your instincts and never feel guilty about checking. It wasn't you that cheated.
However, are you happy to live like that?
YY to trusting you instincts. When it happened to me it was before the internet and even CLI on phones so things were harder to check but I had an inner alarm that was clanging that something was wrong. We parted eventually but I got very good at knowing what was a genuine concern.
"does anyone have any tips to just try to calm down to stop me having the crazy jealous wife moments? "
Yes. To stop being a crazy jealous wife.... lose the lying skank of a husband. All other solutions are of limited effect. Once you look someone in the eyes and find yourself thinking 'I don't believe a word you say'... then it's over.
What did he do to address his behaviour? Did he look into himself to find out why he cheated in this way (at the very least it was an emotional affair and he was looking outside of the marriage) and worked on his character failings and issues?
Also how do you 100% know that it wasn't physical? Did he provide evidence? The fact that you still have niggles suggest that you actually do not 100% trust him - not that I blame you as it must be hard to trust a proven liar and cheat so blindly. I can also understand that you probably didn't want to lose your marriage and lifestyle so found it easier to bury your head in the sand.
Often niggles are your instincts telling you something isn't quite what you thought it was, so be open minded.
I hope he is happy for you to do so. He needs to be in order that you can be reassured.
Why have the tracker on his phone, surely you need to get rid of that cos you don't trust him if you still have to check up on that. The guy I'm having affair with uses other email address to im me through and clears it before going home logging back into his normal account, she also has a tracker on his phone but I just now go to the house instead or he leaves his phone in the gym and I pick him up. Point is if he wants to cheat he will regardless of what you put in place, if you can say yes I trust you totally now then let it happen. I think you need to trust yourself a bit more and not punish yourself over it, you seem to have recovered a lot of the hurt now push to go that final hurdle and bet you will wonder why your stressing over it soo much, good luck xxx
^^ that's a very good point.
You can't control his actions - only he can and that is why him working on himself and on his boundaries is vital.
As this board can testify, placing full unequivocal trust in a spouse/partner has been the undoing of many.
No doubt there are numerous areas in which you wholly trust your dh without question but, given that infidelity can afflict even the most
previously honourable among us, I don't find it anything other than prudent to retain a small portion of my trust in respect of matters pertaining to another's ability to remain faithful at all times.
Thanks for all your answers, I think you are right, I can't control his actions. I haven't looked at the phone tracker for a while but It was something we put on at the beginning when things where still fresh and I needed that extra comfort in knowing. I will take it off when he is back from his business trip.
If he wants to do it again, then I can't stop him - he'll find a way. I think I just have to live with it and deal with it if it comes.
Join the discussion
Please login first.