Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Demanding Dp

(28 Posts)
ChubbyBean Wed 03-Apr-13 12:07:41

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable, but I just need to get a little perspective.

Last night like many times before Dp demands I go and give him a cuddle. I was tired. I know that I withdraw from him physically, mainly because a kiss and cuddle are never just that. He usually pesters me incessantly for sex. I feel like I'm constantly giving in to his demands just keep the peace. To stop him from sulking etc. He often thrusts himself onto me whilst hugging me. He'll grope or attempt to have sex with me even when i say no. I have to push him away. Or get up and walk away. I find pressure to have sex a major major turn off. Yet I worry about the lack of intimacy (i have low libido). I feel put upon and constantly tired. He can be quite selfish and lacks empathy which angers me after a long day with dd.

Our sex life has taken a massive hit since having dd. We co-sleep. I suffered badly from PND largely brought on (i think) due to lack of support. I have lost a lot of confidence and almost don't know who i am anymore. I'm just mummy. I wanted to return to work a while back but he categorically said he wanted me to stay at home. He was worried that I'd expect him to help much more than he currently does. I often feel like a single parent, I have to ask him to do things around the house or with dd. We've talked about it but not much changes.

I feel like he controls everything I do. The only thing that I have that is my own is my body. And even that he behaves as though he's entitled to it. I feel like he doesn't respect me by forcing himself onto me. I feel like we're stuck in this vicious cycle of him demanding sex and me being turned off and rejecting it. I just needed to vent.

dreamingbohemian Wed 03-Apr-13 12:12:20

I think you need to do more than vent. I think you need to think seriously about whether you want to stay with such a selfish, controlling arse of a man. He sounds vile.

Do you have any friends or family for support?

NatashaBee Wed 03-Apr-13 12:14:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sugarice Wed 03-Apr-13 12:16:28

He pressures you into sex and you have to fend him off.
He sulks.
He is selfish.
Lacks empathy.
He was worried in case you expected more help at home so he insisted you remain a SAHM to ensure he wouldn't have to do more.

Tell me, why do you want to stay with him when he sounds like a complete arsehole?

ChubbyBean Wed 03-Apr-13 12:25:33

Dreaming I did have a very active social life. But after having dd I stopped going out. Dp wasn't confident in looking after dd alone. My family live in Devon so I don't see them as much as I'd like to.

I'm just a bit fed up with his behaviour. He seems to think its acceptable. I've told him countless of times how it makes me feel. It's almost as if his needs trump mine.

Lueji Wed 03-Apr-13 12:29:33

Dp wasn't confident in looking after dd alone.
And are you?
Do you have some magic powers that taught you to look after your dd alone?

It's almost as if his needs trump mine.
Because they do. For him.

Your posts are full of red flags and controlling behaviour.

Sorry, but he seems really bad news. And I don't think it will end up well if you stay with him.

mowzer Wed 03-Apr-13 12:30:55

Urrgh, what a guy. Of course he thinks it's acceptable, it's fine for him! Doesn't sound like he listens to your point of view. Is dd still small? Can you go stay with family for a while to have a think? Xx

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Apr-13 12:31:19

What you're describing is very worrying. Controlling, disrespectful, contemptuous behaviour will, left unchecked, make you yet another victim of emotional bullying/abuse. Pestering for sex is totally unacceptable. Not allowing you to return to the workplace is keeping you dependent on him and that's always a bad sign. You appear to be nothing more than a domestic appliance with genitals ... The 'proof' to me that you're being bullied would be the symptoms that you're already depressed & your confidence is shot to pieces.

I doubt you have a low libido. Who would want to shag him? Do find a way to get your life back.

mowzer Wed 03-Apr-13 12:31:28

Urrgh, what a guy. Of course he thinks it's acceptable, it's fine for him! Doesn't sound like he listens to your point of view. Is dd still small? Can you go stay with family for a while to have a think? Xx

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Apr-13 12:33:11

"Dp wasn't confident in looking after dd alone."

That's just code for 'if I crack on I can't do it, she'll have to stay home'. It's the holidays, you don't have a job. How about packing a bag and taking DD to stay with your relatives in Devon for a while? Give yourself some time to really think about what's going on. Talk to friends and family. What you're describing is really not normal.

InSearchOfPerfection Wed 03-Apr-13 12:35:29

Please read your post again as if it was theo Wong somebody else. What would you think of aman who
- demands sex or otherwise goes in a sulk.
- tells you what you can and can't do. So you can't work because he will have to pull his weight more???
- refuses to look after his own dd. Being confident is just a excuse. He can and will learn as all other parents do.
- anything has to be done so that it has the least disturbance to HIM wo any care of the effect on others such as your pnd...

I agree, it's not just venting you need to do sad

ChubbyBean Wed 03-Apr-13 12:41:12

lueji No magic powers, just common sense. I am dd mother. I know it was almost certainly an excuse not to look after dd alone.

Dd is 18 months. The thing I struggle with is, the person I was pre dd would not have put up with this crap. I feel so trapped. I have no financial independence, if I left where would I go. I have barely a penny to my name.

Willow36 Wed 03-Apr-13 12:43:23

Gosh, he sounds awful. This is no way to live. Pressurising you to have sex with him is disgusting.

Sallyingforth Wed 03-Apr-13 12:45:15

So sorry to hear this Dreaming. It seems you are stuck in a very one-sided relationship where your only functions are to service his housekeeping and sexual needs.

He's stopped your social life.
He's stopped you working.
He's stopped you seeing your family.
He's stopped your enjoyment of sex.

You could find all of these things again without him. What are you waiting for?

Snazzynewyear Wed 03-Apr-13 12:45:46

Can you still go back to work? Have you given up your job now? If not, I would start making arrangements to return. It's not just his decision to make and if you want to go back to work and gain back some independence, you have every right to do so.

It's not just venting that's needed here. Your partner seems to have everything his way and that's not on. I second Cogito's suggestion to go and stay with your family for a bit and think all this over.

Sallyingforth Wed 03-Apr-13 12:46:24

Sorry that should have been addressed to Chubby

Lueji Wed 03-Apr-13 12:51:22

*the person I was pre dd would not have put up with this crap.
That's why he wants you as a SAHM too. sad

BTW, you didn't have to answer my question. It was rhetorical. smile

ChubbyBean Wed 03-Apr-13 12:51:33

snazzy I'd love to go back to work. I gave up my job after maternity leave, I was suffering from PND and I just couldn't see how I could manage it all alone with no support. I know lots of single parents do it!

I had a few interviews but nothing came of them. I just feel like if I could get my confidence back and get rid of this depression then I could get back out there professionally and socially.

Lueji Wed 03-Apr-13 12:52:47

If you are feeling trapped, do contact WA.
They can arrange for you to go to a shelter and help you find accommodation, etc.

TheOrchardKeeper Wed 03-Apr-13 12:54:42

^ I feel so trapped. I have no financial independence, if I left where would I go. I have barely a penny to my name^

He's got you where he wants you. So sorry for you OP.

Have you tried calling women's aid for some advice?

ChubbyBean Wed 03-Apr-13 12:56:42

I'll call later after putting dd down for a nap.

ImperialBlether Wed 03-Apr-13 12:58:08

I think if you got rid of this awful man your depression would magically lift.

You are lucky to have little libido - I wouldn't have any libido if I lived with someone like that.

When you say you are losing yourself I feel really worried for you. You say your family live in Devon. Would you be able to go down there for a while with your DD? You could say you were going for the weekend and then stay until you feel well again. How do you get on with your family? Are they supportive when you're there?

ChubbyBean Wed 03-Apr-13 13:11:06

I don't get on particularly well with my narc mum. But that's a whole other thread! I could go to my brothers place but i couldn't stay longer than a couple of days.

ImperialBlether Wed 03-Apr-13 13:13:06

If you were to daydream, what would be your ideal life? Where would you be living? Who would be in the house?

By the way, I found anti-depressants very useful when I was suffering from PND and had an arse of a husband. They enabled me to think straight.

Snazzynewyear Wed 03-Apr-13 13:18:29

Are there any friends nearby you could stay with for a bit? You said you used to have a good social life - could you get back in touch with some of those people? I agree that your partner will have to learn how to feel more confident with looking after your DD - how will he ever get better if he doesn't try and it all gets left to you?

I too am not surprised you are depressed given your circumstances. Yes you've had PND but it doesn't sound like your partner is doing anything to help you with that and is in fact making it worse.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: