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My husband is drinking in secret

(30 Posts)
Ballsballsballs Wed 03-Apr-13 00:53:37

I'm a regular on here - please don't out me if you recognise me as I don't want to link this post to my usual name.

My DH drinks a lot. It's been like this on and off since we met. He's a happy, stupid and occasionally boring drunk. Not violent - just stupid and clumsy and tedious.

He's recently started doing what my XH used to do - drinking in 'secret'. He's got bottles and boxes of wine (badly) hidden in his office, where he spends most of his time. My XH was an abusive drunk and he used to do this, except he drank cider and became more abusive.

I know what I have to do - I can't stick around to watch him kill himself. I'm revising for exams (mature student) and have decided to move out after they are finished in May.

Please tell me to do it and not stick around waiting for things to change. And if anyone's got a hug spare that'd be awesome.

Doinmummy Wed 03-Apr-13 01:09:23

Sending you hugs. Have you spoken to him about this?

Maryz Wed 03-Apr-13 01:09:52

Please don't let him do it to you sad.

He is the only one who can control his drinking. You know that, and you know you can't change him.

If he is doing it in secret he knows it's a problem, therefore the fact that he is hiding it not addressing it is more of a problem than the drinking itself.

Do you have children? Whatever about yourself, you know that bringing up children in a house where one parent loves alcohol more than they love their children is not fair. So you will muster up the courage to kick him out.

And if he loves you, and he loves the kids, he will turn it around. It is possible, but it's up to him

(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))

GoodyGumDrop Wed 03-Apr-13 01:12:58

Oh crap, sorry this has happened to you twice.

You probably already know this but i don't think there's much you can do to stop an alcoholic if he is one. Have you talked about the drinking with him?

Ballsballsballs Wed 03-Apr-13 01:18:41

Thanks everyone. We don't have kids, which makes the decision easier.

Last week he promised t to go to the doctor after he spent all evening drinking wine from a box he'd hidden in his office. That hasn't happened. Tonight when I said 'have you been drinking?' he lied to my face. So when he wobbled his way upstairs I looked in his room - a box of wine under his desk, others tucked away. In the past I've given ultimatums but they don't work.

Monty27 Wed 03-Apr-13 01:22:06

sad

I think you know what you've got to do. People rarely save a drinker, they have to save themself.

(hug)

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 03-Apr-13 01:24:46

Do not stick around any longer than you have to, move out in May or earlier than that if you are able to.

Have a hug too.

I would look at your own self as well longer term and work out exactly why you chose to get involved with another alcoholic again. You have made this fundamental error twice; don't let there be a third time for you.

BTW an ultimatum can only be issued once and once only; if they are not followed through at the time they lose all their power.

Maryz Wed 03-Apr-13 01:25:39

I'm sorry Balls.

Now you will find out what he loves most, you or the alcohol sad

I wish you all the best. And do come back here for support - there is a thread for partners of addicts, which is very supportive.

jynier Wed 03-Apr-13 01:41:33

Probably uninteresting to you, OP, and others but, some months ago, I responded to a post about a heavy drinker and said that the person needed self-control and discipline. Gee Whizz, did I get slated!!! Everyone exploded with fury and said that alcoholism is a disease/illness!

UnlikelyAmazonian Wed 03-Apr-13 02:09:50

Jynier can you link ? sounds awful for you.

jynier Wed 03-Apr-13 03:21:34

I did completely change my mind after I googled "alcoholism" and read the facts.

Then NC!!!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Apr-13 08:36:22

Life's far too short to waste one second of it with a selfish liar. It's a shame he has an alcohol problem but there's nothing you can do about it. Good luck

Nellymay Wed 03-Apr-13 12:01:16

I've been where you are Balls The bottles hidden everywhere!! i even took him to casualty after a bad fall not realising it was the drink - I'd thought he was cutting it back and didn't twig that he was drinking whiskey chasers while i was at work.
I stayed around (unwisely) and eventually he got cancer of the mouth -The oncologist told us it was directly related to alcohol and smoking - he died - an alcoholic who put alcohol before everything in his life, me, children, his dignity, the lot.

I've re-built my life now but it took me at least 5 years to get over the emotional damage. i'm now happy, strong and content

You can do it - you owe it to yourselfBalls

Sallyingforth Wed 03-Apr-13 12:55:01

OP your thread title is wrong and you know it. There is no such thing as a "secret" drinking - just one who is ashamed of their habit and tries to hide it away.
"In the past I've given ultimatums but they don't work." That's because you haven't carried them out.
You have to give him the final one - fight the booze with my support or stay with it on your own. AND CARRY IT OUT. The shock of you leaving may be the only thing to save him.

deliasmithy Wed 03-Apr-13 15:44:21

Alchol is so toxic.

It sounds like you have made a good decision op. You've told him what you need from him and he has ignored it.

Alcohol or not, having your needs fobbed off is not healthy.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Wed 03-Apr-13 17:08:53

Balls only he can decide to stop drinking, an ultimatum from you will not make that happen.

Concentrate on acing your exams and look at Al-anon to see if you think you would benefit from their support.

It is a disease but one he has to fight alone.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Wed 03-Apr-13 17:09:22

Oh and my first ever MN (((hugs)))

Ballsballsballs Thu 13-Feb-14 01:47:31

I'm still here and, funnily enough, it hasn't got any better. Now he's hiding vodka bottles, his drinking has really accelerated.

I'm getting out, will definitely do so in May after my exams. That'll give me time to sort out my finances and my stuff

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 13-Feb-14 02:03:32

Balls I'm so sorry.

I assume that you confronted him back when you posted in April last year, so the fact that it's accelerated is pretty much all the answer you need.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 13-Feb-14 02:15:10

As long as he remains a clumsy, silly, boring drunk rather than an aggressive one, you're safe enough to take your time and make your plans. But don't tell him that you are leaving. Don't even stop nagging him about his drinking. Keep everything the same (on your part) as it always has been until you have your bags packed and your new home ready and waiting.
Bon Voyage and best of luck.

Ballsballsballs Thu 13-Feb-14 09:50:17

Thanks Tortoise and SGB.

I'd add 'unpredictable' to that list now. Getting up at 2am to have a cigarette and turning the bloody heating on, or leaving all the lights on, or falling asleep on the toilet with the fan going...

Long term I am definitely going to seek counselling. I'm pretty sure my boundary issues stem from my fucked up childhood. I don't want another alkie in my life.

Preciousbane Thu 13-Feb-14 09:58:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ballsballsballs Thu 13-Feb-14 10:34:02

Thanks Precious.

I'm thinking of May because I've got a lot of stuff to sort out. I'll be moving from a semi to a room in a shared house. But I'm honestly not sure I can last that long. I can hardly bear to look at him at the moment. He disgusts me.

Thankfully the smoke alarms are okay, so that's one less thing to worry about smile

Ballsballsballs Fri 14-Feb-14 12:18:01

I cried all over my MIL yesterday - she asked how I was and I told her.

I also cried when speaking to a solicitor on the phone. We both agreed I can't afford him, but he was lovely and gave me some free advice. Top bloke.

scornedwoman67 Fri 14-Feb-14 12:29:49

Big hugs to you. I did OU exams through an affair and separation. Its horrendous. You will get your exams and be proud of your achievements despite him x

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