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Non existant sex life - normal with 2 small children?

(18 Posts)
higherground Tue 02-Apr-13 22:28:18

Or is he having an affair? He travels frequently for work and has cards and accounts I have no access to.

I just found his laptop with a porn site open. He is a member and according to his account history has been for the while time we've been together ... so his reasons for not wanting sex (too tired, too lazy, not in the mood) are now not ringing true.

I just feel a bit sad and confused. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Apr-13 07:22:38

It's not normal, no. Actual PIV sex aside, are you physically affectionate with each other? Hold hands, cuddle on the sofa, share flirty jokes, pay each other compliments etc? If that's gone along with the sex-life & taking the porn use and frequent travel into account then it's really not a good sign. Parents of small children may sometimes be too tired or not in the mood but, if they love each other, they'll make an effort to find other ways to show it.

Make the time to have a very serious conversation with him. No affection = no relationship = don't bother coming home...

nethunsreject Wed 03-Apr-13 07:33:13

We don't have much sex but lots of physical closeness and touching even if just a quick peck on the cheek in passing it all adds up. If dh was accessing porn, it'd be a deal breaker for me, but at least a very very serious talk for those who don't mind it. Communicate. It's a cliché but it is essential. smile

Dad1975 Wed 03-Apr-13 09:52:33

I sympathise with you OP , I am a male in the same situation where my wife has shown no interest in being intimate , rejecting any affection and sadly discovering a secret life of watching porn in private .
She has said that she no longer watches porn but little hints are still there , like deleted history files and private browsing still switched on on her Iphone . I still love her dearly and every night I wish her to just turn around in bed and just give me a hug or show some warmth back , but no nothing ever .
I have never felt so low or deflated and really don't know which way to go , we have 3 lovely kids who I love to pieces and couldn't bear to live without.
My wife claims she does not want to spilt up but after 2 years now of no intimacy whatsoever and constant rejection of any kind of initiation by me ( even a quick peck on cheek) .
I read all similar posts like this by males and female and really want to give you a all a big Internet hug as I know how you feel .

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 03-Apr-13 11:01:11

"we have 3 lovely kids who I love to pieces and couldn't bear to live without."

If you split you'd share the care of your 3 lovely DCs 50/50.... and possibly be able to find the love & affection of another adult in the process. I think it's a shame when kids have to grow up in a household where there is no affection being shown by parents.

TrippleBerryFairy Wed 03-Apr-13 15:35:09

I don't think it's normal. Unless he is assexual but in that case you would not be finding porn sites on his computer.

Porn addict?.. I have one pof those at home. Took me some good 2 years to figure out what is going on, I blamed it on sleep deprivation, changes in my body etc. None of that was true, he simply is addicted to porn. It was awful and we (he!) is working on his addiction now but it took some time to drag the truth out of him.

Alternatively, are there any signs he could be having an affair?...

higherground Fri 05-Apr-13 02:03:37

Thanks to those who have replied. It is appreciated, very much.

mozarela maybe he's a porn addict, I don't know? He is accessing porn I think in the evenings after I have gone to bed.

As for an affair, I've wondered for a long time as he shows no sexual interest in me. If he was I would have no way of knowing as he travels for work once a fortnight and has a bank account I don't have access to view.

He has agreed to counselling, and I've asked him to organise this as a way of showing he wants to do it and it's not just me being the driving force in everything.

How do you define an addict, and how have you dealt with it?

I just feel so angry - not about the porn but that he has lied and that he doesn't try to change or make things better.

He has lied to me again this evening about booking an appointment with a counsellor. I'm ashamed to say I reacted badly, threw books at his head and tried to hit him, and I told him to leave and stay somewhere else tonight. He's gone now, I feel better that he's not here.

syl1985 Fri 05-Apr-13 04:12:17

First of all it's not right that he has been a member of this site as long as you were together. Meaning he pretended to be someone else to you.

If he'd have been honest with you from the beginning. Then you could have made your choice if you wanted to get into a relationship with a man who enjoys watching porn or not.

He never left you that choice and that's very wrong!!!
From the beginning he wasn't honest with you about something important! Probably out of fear of not being able to get and to keep you as his partner. That's a lame excuse.
Because now you just have found out that you're with a man who lied to you for as long you were together.

Very normal that you are starting to think about what else has he been lying to me?
That you want to get an inside into his bank cards and everything. Has he seen other behind my back? Is this the reason why we barely have any sex?

I've no experience in such a situation, but if possible I think I'd make it very clear to him that I don't tolerate this.
I'd kick him out immediately!

I'd tell him what I've found out. I'd tell him that I'm furious that he hasn't been honest with me for as long as we're together.
If he wants to come back to me that's ok. But on my terms!!!

I want the truth at all times. I want to be able to have a look whenever I want in your bank statements.
I also want to feel that you truly love me.

Show me your love, being open and honest in everything and you're able to get back to me. Or else goodbye!

It must be so hard for you. But I'm afraid that if you don't stand up for yourself at this moment. He might think he got away with it or that he can continue to play with you. You got to show him what you're made of!!!

It must be hard to learn the real truth about someone. Although it will hurt so much. I hope you also can be happy about you finding this out. Otherwise he would have continued to watch porn behind your back and who knows what else.

Now you know it you can do something about it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 05-Apr-13 07:39:47

Glad you've chucked him out. Sounds like he had no intention of changing anything about himself and you've saved yourself wasted trips to counsellors and all the rest. Hope you're feeling OK

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 07:40:03

He spoke to a therapist yesterday, and last night we talked. He admits he is addicted to porn. We talked openly about our sex life for the first time. He didn't want sex with me because it was boring so he preferred to masturbate. I kind of fell apart when he said those words. I feel disgusting, numb, less of a woman. I don't know where to go from here. How do I ever bring myself to have sex with him again? And if I can't do that then why are we even trying to work through our problems.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 06-Apr-13 07:47:25

You don't have sex again with a man who is so insulting as to call you 'boring'.... hmm Who the hell does he think he is?! He doesn't want you to 'work through your problems' he holds you in complete contempt, has zero respect for you & wants to make you feel like shit... and he has succeeded. Get shot of this nasty wanker... literally.

Nobhead Sat 06-Apr-13 08:11:38

So he's blaming you for his porn addiction then? Nice. So if he thought sex with you was so boring then why did he embark on a relationship and have DC with you as you say he has been a member since you have been together so he must have felt like this from the start.

tumbletumble Sat 06-Apr-13 08:12:46

What a horrible thing for him to say sad

Bitofadviceplease Sat 06-Apr-13 08:14:39

You deserve so much better xx

Nobhead Sat 06-Apr-13 08:17:36

I'd be telling him that unless he stops watching/is honest about it/does whatever you find acceptable he can sit up all night wanking to whatever he wants in his own place because you are done. Seriously OP he sounds like a shit.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 06-Apr-13 08:29:39

Can you imagine, after first time having sex with a new partner, you ask 'how was it for you?' and the reply is 'boring... I'd rather have a wank'....? Would you think there was a future in that relationship? hmm

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 08:44:08

I don't know what to think anymore. He's says it's not my fault he's addicted to porn and he's sorry and sad that he's hurt me so much.

We talked frankly about our sex life - I said some things too - that sex was infrequent even in the beginning, and that he hadn't given me many orgasms and doesn't really know my body, he wasn't really 'there' with me in the moment when we had sex.

He said that his ex girlfriends had always initiated different positions, oral sex, and they would say to him 'just lie there and let me do things to you'. It as the girls that would do the work in other words.

I feel like we're just going back to everything else in our life - I have to be the driving force. With everything, in every single area of our life. Things just don't get done unless I do them. I can live with that, but I NEED the romance to come from him. I need SOMETHING from him, for him to take me to dinner, to flirt with me. I ask him all the time to take me on a date. He hasn't taken me out on a date for 4 years. We've only been together for 6!

higherground Sat 06-Apr-13 08:51:07

Cogito the sex was good for the first year, then just fell apart a bit after our first DC was born. I admit I didn't spend enough time on our relationship. The birth was traumatic, that left me shell shocked. He just seemed disinterested and disconnected when we did have sex and also stopped bothering with anything romantic, like dates or nice birthday presents. And in turn because he wasn't making an effort to make me feel loved and special I began to feel resentful about having sex with him. In my head there was no way I was going to 'reward' him with great sex when I felt he couldn't even be bothered to make an effort with me.

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