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This doesn't look good does it?

(1000 Posts)
Loserville Tue 02-Apr-13 19:37:33

My dh left for work at 5pm, 10 mins later I get a text from him 'Hi sexy, get your boobs out'. I just replied with a ? And had no reply.

He never sends text like that to me thank god so I'm thinking it was meant for someone else. Why send me a text like that after just leaving the house 10 minutes before.

It looks suspicious doesn't it? Or else it's a pathetic attempt at spicing things up confused

swallowedAfly Fri 05-Apr-13 07:08:35

agree it needs to come from you and very soon LV.

i think be honest with them - tell them that sadly you found out he has a girlfriend and marriage means you promise not to have any other girlfriends. i don't think you can lie and i don't think telling the truth is blame laying - it's just the facts.

you obviously tell them he still loves them and they'll still see him but i wouldn't lie about why you two are splitting especially because of the age span - the older would suss it out and tell the younger ones anyway and then they risk feeling lied to.

AgathaF Fri 05-Apr-13 07:49:18

I agree with telling them yourself. As you say, you know them best, and it's far better than him putting his spin on things and confusing or upsetting them more.

Such a shame he is being a manipulative twat with his sister. She could have been good to have as a neutral person. I wonder what he has actually told her for her to be sticking up for him like that, or maybe she was just trying to help but it came out very clumsily?

When I was a child my parents sat us down together to tell us about their impending divorce. It was forced as they stuck to whatever scripts they'd decided were best. The atmosphere was dreadful and strained and we couldn't wait to get out of the room. So I never understand why people think it's the right thing to tell dcs together. But every family is different. In this instance it would be best if you told them on your own, op, as you will know how to handle it in the most natural way and your H will fuck it up

Just get it over with.

Glad you've explained to Sil, but he is telling her his warped version, so she may not end up being much help to you. He thinks he's controlling this, but he has sent your lives spiralling so out of control, he hasn't got a hope.

wannaBe Fri 05-Apr-13 08:25:54

I've been lurking on this thread but I had to respond to this:

"i think be honest with them - tell them that sadly you found out he has a girlfriend and marriage means you promise not to have any other girlfriends." absolutely not! shock shock these are very young children iirc, whatever happens between the two of you it is not down to either party to paint the other in a bad light in front of the children, regardless of your personal feelings on what he has done.

I also disagree with those who are saying that the op should refuse to allow her h to see the children on the basis of what he has done. This is starting to border on using the children as weapons and it's not on.

Op - I realise that this has all been a huge shock for you, and I realise that your stance on saying that it's irretrieveablly (sp?) over is firm. But you do need to sit down and talk before you sit the children down and telll them anything. Shutting yourself away and denying any kind of rl support is not the answer, and tbh neither is coming here where people will fuel your anger and validate your decision to keep him away from his children. Yes he is a shit for having had an affair, but he's not a monster or a child abuser, by not allowing access to his children you are complicit in making his children pay the price for this, and they are innocent in all of this. Start playing games now and it will only create a worse atmosphere for them in the future.

By suggesting she take the children over to her house his sister isn't taking sides she is being reasonable.

In an ideal world it would be lovely too think you can lock yourself in a bubble until you are ready to deall with this, but this is the real world and there are children involved here.

You need to stop having conversations ty text and through third parties and actually sit down in a room and have a conversation about all this. Even if your relationship is over you are still bound for life by the children you have together and this at least needs to be resolved. You do not have the monoplolyon when your children should be allowed back into their father's life based on what he has done to you.

Sorry to be blunt, but IMO a lot of what s said on these boards is dangerous and adamaging and enabling of a culture where women are condoned for using children as weapons in their disputes with their ex's.

chubbymomie2012 Fri 05-Apr-13 08:29:11

OP i did the "tell the kids together" thing. it was a disaster, as you say my prick ex used all the old subtle digs like "mummy thinks it would be better" and mummy doesnt love daddy anymore. despite saying we wouldnt do that. Men cant help themselves, they never think its their fault. now my son (5 years on) still thinks im the one at fault. If i could do it again i would tell them on my own. i think they would have felt more comfortable. as it was when we asked did they want to say anything they both said no and ran to their rooms. disaster. think carefully before u tell them. doing it together isnt always best xxxx sending u love and positive thoughts.

pictish Fri 05-Apr-13 08:45:55

Wannabe - I agree with your post.

However, given this is all so very fresh, I think the OP's request to have a few days thinking space is not unreasonable. I don't think it's using the kids as a that is something I would never condone.

The OP hasn't said anything about keeping the kids from him. In the heightened emotions and confusion of the moment, she said he was going away to work, in order to explain his absence, until she feels firmer in how things are going to she can present something definite to the children...which seems sensible and understandable to me.

I agree that women on here often encourage posters to use the kids as pawn....but in this case the OP is in shock and just needs a few days to get things straight. His I-must-see-the-children wilting flower routine is not granting her that space, but making it all about how hard done by HE is...when he has brought the whole sorry situation on them all.

swallowedAfly Fri 05-Apr-13 08:46:00

she's not denying access wannabe! it's been two days ffs. and telling the truth is not about painting anyone in a bad light it's about the truth. is she supposed to lie and say there is no reason mummy is just a big old baddie who won't let daddy live here anymore? the children are 5,7 and 10 as i recall not tiny babies and unlikely to not find out the truth themselves.

swallowedAfly Fri 05-Apr-13 08:47:08

also the having to tell them is being forced by his 'having to see them'. they can't just go see dad at aunty's house without some explanation of why he is there and preparation for what they may hear there.

Loserville Fri 05-Apr-13 08:48:01


So wanting a couple of days grace with my children is too much to ask? Where exactly on this thread did I say he can't see his children? It's been a couple of days ffs, he has actually worked away for longer periods. And if you read my posts I said I would be telling them sooner rather than later (this morning actually)

Now I'm sorry I may not be reacting to this shitty situation as I should be but I'm doing my best. I will sit down and have a conversation and I am most definitely not using my children as weapons.

Yeah, so I'll stop posting here and just fuck off and do as I'm told by my lying cheating husband. Cheers. Infact I'll just hand them straight over to him.

Inertia Fri 05-Apr-13 08:50:22

Wannabe - I think that at the ages of 10,7 and 5 the explanation that daddy has a girlfriend and being married means you can't have other girlfriends is perfectly understandable, without going in to the gory details. I think the children do need to be made aware of her , because otherwise it's going to be a hell of a shock for them if she suddenly appears in their lives when they visit their father.

I was told of my parents' impending divorce (not due to an affair though) by just my dad. I couldn't understand why mum wasn't there too.

sleeton Fri 05-Apr-13 08:51:49

hello Loserville I hope you managed to sleep a bit.

I woke up to read His sister has now asked etc, and thought 'Oh No' ... I so hoped that would not happen, but sadly I so expected it would. His family will close ranks. Oh, they will still try to convince themselves that they are your friend, that they are trying to 'mediate', that they can sit on both sides of the fence at once ... but they will close ranks and they will do it a little bit more every time they open their mouths to speak.

Many of us have had to mourn the loss of our Ex's family at the same time as grieving for the loss of our marriage. I am so sorry.

It would have been wonderful if your H had been honourable enough to give you the space you asked for; if he had cared enough to step back for a few days, really thinking of you and the shock you were facing.
Sadly, he wasn't honourable enough to think about you and the marriage you shared, in the first place, so maybe his lack of giving now isn't so very unexpected. He will stoop as low as the snake he is.

His attitude (and that of his family), unfortunately, takes away any respite time you might otherwise have had. You are going to have to keep thinking on your feet ... something you are doing so well, but we all know you must be emotionally and physically shattered ... so maybe it is time to really start planning, picking the 'officialdom' route you are going to take, and starting to involve those bodies.
Stitch up any loop holes that there are, because this snake WILL try and get through them.

What a fool, this man, to loose a girl such as you.

Oh, op. best of luck for this morning telling the children about the change in circumstances. Of course you're not using the children. It is obvious that they are your primary concern.

You and he agreed that the children think he's working away until you gather your thoughts and decide how to proceed. If his sister had come over to get them, then it would have confused them no end. Why is daddy at aunties when mummy said he was away working?

Please don't leave your own thread over this.

pictish Fri 05-Apr-13 08:55:54

Oh Loser - please don't take wanabe's post to heart. I think she has been struck by a thought and felt compelled to write it down.

She is right that fathers on here are sometimes regarded as a trifling nothing, who are expected to settle for whatever crumbs the mother sees fit to toss his way, regarding the children.

I do think her concern over that is misplaced on this thread, but I can understand where she's coming from, even if I don't on this occasion agree.

sleeton Fri 05-Apr-13 09:05:44

wannaBe I was X posting, so have just seen your post. We don't yet know if any of your points will be valid ... it's too early to say, the OP has not had time to turn round yet, far less anything else. However, based on the OP's behavior so far, I think it is highly unlikely that there will be space for your points to have any validity in this case ... although the OP is clearly in shock, she seems to be very intelligent, very caring and very unlikely to do anything other than the best for her children.

This unlike her H, who is already pushing (looking for loop holes) ... not giving the LITTLE time the OP has asked for. He is joined in this by his sister who, true, probably does not know all the fact, but perhaps should step back a little until she does. Even then, she may not be the best person to mediate meetings etc ... don't you think?

You say you are sorry to be blunt ... I think you may not understand the physical and mental effects of shock such as this, otherwise you might have chosen not NOT to be blunt, certainly at this stage.

Damn, now I'm late for work!

bobbywash Fri 05-Apr-13 09:06:30

Just to slightly comment on SiL position

If he's staying with her, she can see what a complete up he's made of things, and probably realises what he's thrown away, and so understands why he wants to see the kids. I don't think she's on his side but can just see how miserable he is, and is trying to act as an intermediary between you. Emotions do change when you see a family relative remorseful for his own stupidity.

You should stick to your guns on this, and if she calls just remind her of your earlier discussion (I'm sure you have). Also make a time through her when they can see him. Just make sure you have told them first. It is also up to you and your instincts what you tell them, yes it's always good not to smear the other parent, but it's sometimes hard not too. Having read this thread from the start (I started about 7.00am) you seem sensible enough to do the right thing anyway

sleeton Fri 05-Apr-13 09:08:12

*that should simply be 'NOT to be blunt' rather than 'not NOT to be blunt'

Inertia Fri 05-Apr-13 09:14:02

LV, don't stop posting for support on your thread . You haven't said that you intend to stop the children seeing their father so it's rather disingenuous of other posters to suggest that you have.

Strange how he's suddenly so desperate to see the children ( though it would seem that he doesn't want the inconvenience of looking after the one who's ill) , when a couple of days ago he was happy to forgo holiday time with his children in order to go to OW. Who is using the children as a weapon here ?

swallowedAfly Fri 05-Apr-13 09:24:14

one poster LV! trust me you're lucky you only got one and that you didn't get the 'maybe you haven't been wearing pretty enough knickers or didn't give head 20seconds after giving birth' brigade advising you on how to save your marriage wink

don't let it bother you.

StrangeDays Fri 05-Apr-13 09:32:10

In the last 36 hours you have had your world turned upside down.

The man you loved and trusted beyond anyone else - the man you shared your emotional and physical intimacy with, has thrown those precious things to someone else, as if they never really mattered.

He has casually thrown away his family for a shag. And that DOES include his kids. My DH did the same thing and says he was well aware that he was cheating on his FAMILY.

You ARE putting your kids first in both the short and longer term by asking for a week's peace to sort your own head out. It is much better for them if you do it the way you are doing it now - for all the reasons other posters have explained.

And the truth is the truth. It's not about painting someone in a bad light. The explanation that when 2 people get married, they promise not to have other girlfriends (whatever word) and daddy has broken that promise is the truth.

You are doing really well, OP. I hope you can talk to someone in RL too.

I think I'd use the word harsh rather than blunt about wannabe's post and ignore it for the time being

bluestar2 Fri 05-Apr-13 09:34:35

WANNABE - there is no evidence of the children being used as a weapon here. OP just wanted time to turn around and gather her thoughts so she can ensure the children are told in the right way. She wasnt asking for months fgs.

Good luck op. I hope you and the children are ok this morning

wannaBe Fri 05-Apr-13 09:35:54

my post was more in reference to other posters who are second guessing how the h will react to the kids, saying don't let him see them because he will tell them what he wants, he has made this situation so he shouldn't think he can just see his kids etc etc. There is definitely some encouragement of using the kids as weapons here but that encouragement is coming from other posters, hence my suggestion that you get some rl support as these threads can be very enabling of behaviors which in the heat of the moment might seem a good idea but which in retrospect may not.

Right now the op is in a state where she feels the relationship is definitely over. However how many posters do we see here who make that decision in the heat of the moment only to have a civilised discussion about it and decide to at least try to work things out. How is that going to help the kids if she's already told them that daddy has a girlfriend? Three days and no discussion yet is not enough time to definitely know that things are definitely over, maybe they are, maybe there is a way back, interestingly, the majority of relationships do recover after an affair.

Sitting the kids down and saying that daddy has a girlfriend just three days after discovering the fact is really not a good idea, especially when the op and her h haven't even had a conversation about this yet.

towicymru Fri 05-Apr-13 09:39:39

OP has told the DC their Dad is working away in order to have some time to work out what to tell them. Keeping to this for a couple of days is not unreasonable in my opinion and the SIL should have respected that. The DC need to be told what is happening & soon as they will have picked up something is going on.

LV - you need to take control of this. It will be hard but as you will be the one that is left picking up the pieces, manage telling them as you see fit. I personally would go for a very basic but honest explanation. The older ones will work out what is going on and they need to feel that they are able to trust you. Kids are more robust than we sometimes give them credit for. Don't get their hopes up by saying it's a temporary split or leaving some hope that there may be some reconciliation.

I would perhaps sit them down and tell them that their Father still loves them but that he has met someone else which means that you and him can't be married any more. Explain that they will still see him and that apart from you not being together, nothing else will change. Then answer their questions. Keep it basic for the younger one but let the older ones know they can come and ask qustions if they want to. Keep communication with them open & honest. They need to trust you.

StrangeDays Fri 05-Apr-13 09:42:03

Where are you getting your statistics about the majority of relationships recovering from an affair from Wannabe?

Loserville Fri 05-Apr-13 09:51:05

Sorry, maybe I'm just a bit over sensitive this morning.

Just to clarify, I would never stop the children seeing their dad, why punish them for his mistake.

My anger is not being fuelled by any posts on here. I haven't seen anyone suggest I don't allow contact. Even if anyone did suggest that I'm not thick and going to obey something so ridiculous.

Yes, I've locked myself away for a couple of days, no big deal. It's not as if I intend to do this for months. Especially now with a poorly child I am restricted on what I can do. If dd wasn't ill I'd take them on our planned long weekend away so he wouldn't see them until Tuesday anyway or would that also be wrong? Them suffering again due to his actions.

Loserville Fri 05-Apr-13 09:51:58

Oh and I can 100% categorically say it is over.

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