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How do I manage this with my sister?

(5 Posts)
sheeplikessleep Tue 02-Apr-13 16:06:04

I don't want to divulge too much, in case she's on MN. But I'd appreciate some views as how to best handle.
I'm pregnant (and not with my first child) and she has one child (and unable to have any more, despite years of trying since - she's now 'stopped trying' apparently, although of course miracles can and sometimes do happen, it's something she's not actively 'chasing'). She knows I'm pregnant, but I know she still finds it hard to visit and has become distant since.
I do fully appreciate that she wants to keep her distance and it is painful for her, but I am so worried that our relationship will be damaged forever.
How do I move forward in a way that gives her minimal upset, but enough space?
So far, I've not really talked about the pregnancy with her (I told her fairly early on, about 3 months ago as I wanted her to get used to the idea, before she spoke with anyone else about it). We've spoken about other stuff, work, holidays, TV etc ... pretty much everything else. I'm trying to keep upbeat about everything, we live quite a way apart so our communication is typically by phone.
Is there anyone else who has experience with this - is this our relationship now forever?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 02-Apr-13 16:47:33

I haven't experienced this from either side but couldn't read and run.

As her DSis you are in the firing line but I suppose she must view her friends' pregnancies in the same light. She will be feeling raw and I don't think you can rush anything.

It sounds artificial but if you focus on Everything But Children I guess you can coast along - tbh, I don't think she begrudges you any joy, but you have to allow her space to work through her grief. I am sure you handle conversations sensitively. If she raises a topic concerning your niece/nephew then I'd think it reasonable to add news of your own DC(s). Maybe it's the pregnancy that affects her most - once your DC is here or perhaps beyond the newborn stage, she will accept that s/he is here now.

I would imagine your relationship has already been affected at some level but you sound sympathetic to her pain and if you accept what ever effort she can make for now, there may come a point at which she closes the gap.

DaysieGoneBananas Tue 02-Apr-13 17:03:14

Ive not experienced this with my DSis but I have with my SIL. When I got pregnant with DC3 I was so worried how she would take it as they had been trying for 6+ years. She never brought up the pregnancy in conversation and I didn't rub her nose in it either (although it was difficult to ignore it after 30 weeks as I was the size of a small cruise liner). I
understood completely as is felt like that myself when trying for DC1, it was
uncomfortable BUT as soon as DC3 was
born she was herself again. I think it's
the pregnancy that's hard for people ttc.
Irrational feelings of inadequacy and
unfairness that is totally understandable. Just wait for DSis to ask you about baby.

sheeplikessleep Tue 02-Apr-13 17:07:31

Thankyou both for posting. I am trying to be sensitive about it. Just feels like she is keeping me at arms length at the moment, which I can understand. Just hope it doesn't last forever.

Mandy21 Tue 02-Apr-13 17:25:38

I have 3 DC but my twin sister is going through IVF (unsuccessful so far). I think she finds children in general hard, but it would be 100 times harder for her I think if I was pregnant. Your sis will be feeling raw, jealous, guilty that she's feeling jealous and probably its just too hard to speak to you and be upbeat - she'll know you'll be feeling uncomfortable not wanting to make her feel worse, but eager to maintain your relationship. I would just give her some space. She'll come round I'm sure.

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