Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Tempted to just walk out and take the kids to my mums or something

(12 Posts)
Messandmayhem Tue 02-Apr-13 13:01:45

If I did, what would I have to do next? I don't work, im a sahm, so would I get income support and housing benefit? If the council couldn't find me a place soon, how would I get a private rental, fo you still have to provide a bond etc if you get HB? I have no savings, at all. The kids are 1 and 3 and we would have to stay in my mums spare bedroom, its just a single sized room. Presuming hubby would allow me back to collect my stuff once I found a place I have beds for the kids, sofa, fridge, cooker. Id take my mums spare single bed.
I don't even know how reasonable I am being right now.

Sunnywithshowers Tue 02-Apr-13 13:18:00

Hi Mess

I don't know what you'd have to do next, but I'm sure someone will be along in a minute who can give advice.

Have some flowers from me x

LemonBreeland Tue 02-Apr-13 13:18:27

Is there a reason you can't get him to leave and you stay where you are?

sleeton Tue 02-Apr-13 13:21:49

Hi MandM. Deep breaths. Are you okay? Do you have to immediately leave to be safe or is it that you're at the end of your tether? What brought you to this point?

Messandmayhem Tue 02-Apr-13 13:23:28

I really don't want to stay in this house. He lived here with his gran and we took the tenancy over, his gran lives over the road, his friends all live in the street. All my family are in another part of town and I'm already feeling alone here. This has never felt like my home and I don't want it.

StitchAteMySleep Tue 02-Apr-13 13:26:43

Your local council can help you find a private rental and help with deposit as well as either money for furniture or access to cheap furniture via charities they deal with.

Talk to us, why do you feel the need to leave?

sleeton Tue 02-Apr-13 13:28:25

I am sorry MandM. It's even worse being lonely when you are surrounded by people who can't or won't help you. Does your husband know how you feel or does he think everything is okay? has this been building up for a while?

Messandmayhem Tue 02-Apr-13 13:30:51


We are safe, I just am fed up of feeling like he has no respect for me as person, no trust in me as his wife, no understanding of why I get fed up. He is lazy and he is selfish and i just want to feel happy and content.

I really need to point out that I'm extra stressed and sensitive as I'm raging hormonal having finally got my period at 18 1/2 months post natal.

I don't think I am going to go. But i need to know this stuff because I think I will do in the future, just with less haste. I'm not sure he can or will change, and if he can't/won't I don't think I can sacrifice my happiness for him.
A friend offered us his spare room, but hubby hates me having male friends and if I went there he would probably come looking for a fight. I wouldn't really like to go to my mums as my dad is an alcoholic and I am a popular target for his vitriol, plus he would be fuming with me for leaving hubby.

All I want is to be happy.

StitchAteMySleep Tue 02-Apr-13 13:32:10

Ok is it council or housing association? You can apply for a transfer if it is.

How are you getting on with your husband? It seems quite an knee jerk response to want to leave just because you don't like the house. How are you coping generally?

If your family and friends are in the same town can you make arrangements to see them more often so you don't feel so alone? Maybe there are some baby and toddler groups you could get out to nearby to make new local friends?

StitchAteMySleep Tue 02-Apr-13 13:34:34

Sorry x posted

Is he controlling Mess? You mention that he might come looking for a fight if you go to your male friends, does he control in other ways?

Messandmayhem Tue 02-Apr-13 13:40:33

I suppose he does. He won't look after the kids so I can go out. When he does he complains.

sleeton Tue 02-Apr-13 14:30:15

I'm glad you're safe. Okay, to practicalities.

As I understand it, with no income, you would be entitled to claim income support, housing benefit, council tax benefit, etc.
[Bear in mind as benefit changes are currently being 'rolled out' across the country, some things may be being applied differently in your area, but the entitlement would still be there].

[While you would be entitled to apply for social housing] If you and your husband are currently in social housing, some authorities may view that you have made yourself homeless (yes, even if a marriage has broken down).

That does not mean that you can't apply, nor does it mean that you can't leave, but it might be prudent to speak to your Housing Officer first, emphasising whatever you need to ... breakdown of marriage; the need to leave; that you cannot stay with friends as H might come looking for a fight ; that you could not retain the family home (as H's friends and family live close by) so would wish to be housed away from the area. You can do this confidentially, asking that they do not inform your H, do not contact you at that address, etc.

You can also talk to your Housing Officer about private rental. I know you do not have money for a deposit/bond but many local authorities are now operating a Guaranteed Deposit Scheme with registered private landlords.

The first thing to decide, I suppose, is whether there is any way forward within your marriage. If your H were in agreement, would you first want to try something like counselling to see if your marriage can be saved.
If not, then you still have to decide whether you want to talk the break-up through with you husband, ahead of time.

This is a lot to think about, but if you really cannot talk to your H about all this, then it is certainly possible to set a lot of it up ahead of leaving the family home. The Citizens Advice will be able to help you by informing you of all entitlements and facilities available in your area.

Hopefully, will be able to tell you about emotional support near by, too. They are a good place to start.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now