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how do i help my dd?

(8 Posts)
kaylasmum Tue 02-Apr-13 12:25:49

My 28yo dd has been in a relationship with an abusive man for three years now. They have split up numerous times.

He is manipulative, controlling and nasty. My dd has borderline personality disorder so has problems with self esteem amongst other problems.

Right from the beginning of their relationship he has broken her down, telling her if she wears make up she looks like a man in drag, commenting on her size, her hairstyle, everything. He has systematically broken her down. She has caught him trying to arrange dates with other women, leering at women while telling her what he'd like to do to them. He grows/deals cannabis, he is violent and she admitted to me recently that he raped her analy.

She finished the relationship a few weeks ago after being told that he cheated on her. Since then he's bombarded her with abusive texts. She met a man that her ex knows vaguely and her ex warnedhim off. He found out that One of his friends had been at my dds house and promptly went off and punched him in the face and breaking his nose and concussing him.

It breaks my heart seeing her being treated like this. She went back to him a week ago, i was very upset and angry with her for doing this and we argued about it. She has a 7yo son and i'm so worried about him.

Anyway, she ended it again yesterday and he immediately started being abusive again. He also sent abusive texts to me, accusing me of being a bad mother, generally being very nasty. He knows that i hate him and will never accept him in my dds and dgs lives.

My dd is going to go to WA, they will be better able to help my dd make sense of her feelings for him, i'm too emotionally involved but i want to support her. I'm terrified she'll go back to him.

Any advice.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 02-Apr-13 12:35:16

If you've been directly involved in the shape of abusive texts then talk to the DV unit at your local police station and make a complaint. I'm glad she's going to WA and I wish her luck but don't let that mean you hold back on your own account. Get them on his case. Don't let this bully silence you the way he did her...

Mumsyblouse Tue 02-Apr-13 12:36:05

I don't know what to advise except to do what you have been doing, which is to provide continuous love and support whilst your dd works out how to get out of this. It is good news she is getting out again, whilst I know you hope it will be the last time, as it shows she knows this is the wrong relationship for her. Good luck.

DIYapprentice Tue 02-Apr-13 12:37:46

Is she going into a refuge? If she does then she can have a break from him and his abusive texts. That will hopefully give her the strength to stay away from him permanently.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 02-Apr-13 12:41:22

BTW... if he grows and deals cannabis, shop him for that. Get him well and truly on the police radar. Has your DD ever reported the violence? Did the person who got punched in the face report him for assault?

MushroomSoup Tue 02-Apr-13 14:18:20

Absolutely get the police involved.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage Tue 02-Apr-13 14:45:21

Oh dear Op, I'm so sorry, this must be utterly heartbreaking. I agree the police must become involved. This man cannot be allowed to get away with all this.

I hope WA will be able to help her.

swallowedAfly Tue 02-Apr-13 14:47:45

yes i'd be inclined to phone the police and tell them what has been going on and that he has been sending threatening texts to you and that you have found out he grows cannabis at x address. get him locked up and hopefully she'll have enough time and space to come to her senses.

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