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Internet Dating Experiences - Is It The City I Live In?

(53 Posts)
Zilvernblue Tue 02-Apr-13 10:57:09

So I've been doing internet dating for one month now. Have had 163 responses, about half without photos. Have met two of them for coffee, of those one of them turned up half an hour late and it was a disaster (I had a thread on here). The other one I got on OK with, but there wasn't an instant attraction. What he then did was send me 9 or 10 very short messages, saying he was very attracted to me, basically demanding to know how I felt about him and whether I fancied him. I said I liked him but couldn't say for definite how I felt after one coffee lasting 25 minutes but after that he never messaged again and I felt quite put off pursuing it! Clearly just looking for sex.

To be honest though, most of the men are very arrogant, can't string a conversation together and seem to expect you to chase after them. And most of them aren't physically attractive in the slightest, and very old looking for their years. Most of them seem to have no notion of how to make reasonably polite conversation, and send aggressive sounding messages, as if they are speaking to their mates in the pub! Others speak to you as if you are a 5 year old child...

I've had many messages propositioning me for sex in the crudest terms, often with explicit photos (have changed my settings now). I've had even more messages asking me for sex chat. Surely there are women who charge for that sort of thing? Why would anyone provide such a service for free?? Most of them though have been along the lines of "Hi" or "Hows you?" or even "Hows you? Got any more pics?". Its like a different language, photos are always "pics", its never "how are you", etc..

I've had ones with photos of quite ordinary looking, middle aged men who feel the need to tell me they are good looking (the requirement seems to be having two eyes, a nose and a mouth). I've had two gems today. One who listed as one of his hobbies "giggling". When I queried it, he responded "Aw, you sound bitter lol xx". Another, claiming to be 46 but clearly in his late fifties as he was short, overweight, wrinkled and bald, had this gem in his profile "I'll probably get slated for this, but come on girls.. If you're in your 50's and dress like an old prude in sensible cardigans, then the chances are you'll have more in common with my mum than me, so I'm really not likely to be interested. Also, and I'm sorry to admit this but I'm a teeny bit shallow, and regardless how great your personality is, there's got to be some initial attraction".

Then theres the timewasters. I was hoping to meet up with one promising looking man last week, but he could not set a place or time to meet for coffee. Eventually we agreed on a venue, but not a date, then he changed his mind as he didn't think the venue would be that great but couldn't think of anywhere else (I'm new to the city so don't know anywhere). So 12 messages later, still no date set up and I never heard from him again...thankfully!

CastroIsDead Thu 04-Apr-13 19:41:31

the availability thing wasn't a problem he was working here away from home but texting all weekend so i didn't suspect a girlfriend but the sex thing yes it was the night it was supposed to happen he spilled the beans about his relationship.
reading these threads puts me off trying od

DoingItForMyself Thu 04-Apr-13 13:57:51

I thought the same thing Porridge, but I'm a lovely genuine woman and I was snatched up in my 20s, didn't stop my stbxh being a total arse and not appreciating what he had with me!

Some people don't bring out the best in each other, so just because someone is single now, it doesn't automatically make them a loser. Plenty of lovely people just may not make lovely couples.

I have no doubt that my new DP put less effort into his previous relationship than he does with me and second time around we're both more aware of the pitfalls.

Don't assume that all the good guys are taken!

grin Similar experiences here; I generally get no interest at all on the paid sites and on the free ones I get nauseating messages about my 'amazing' smile from fifty year olds (and I am 32 ...) I gave up on it a year ago, I really don't like online dating. Maybe I'll meet someone in real life (although the genuine lovely guys do get snatched up long before they turn 32 sad) but more than likely I won't.

Mosman Thu 04-Apr-13 03:05:45

Mine put up his fucking wedding photo

SanctiMOMious Thu 04-Apr-13 01:01:10

and would they put their photos up if they were married? I'd be scared to put up my photo in case somebody I knew saw it, and I'm not married. Slackjawed at the chutzpah of married men putting up photos of themselves on dating websites.

Zilvernblue Wed 03-Apr-13 21:37:41

Limited availability, Castro. Or when you suggest anything that involves meeting them at or near their house. Theres also a slight hesitation thing, and a reluctance to make matters physical at a normal progression - some of them seem to think as long as they don't have sex, its not cheating.

CastroIsDead Wed 03-Apr-13 21:26:04

zilvern -what are the signs?? only date I've had turned out to have a girlfriend and i didn't have a clue at all

Zilvernblue Wed 03-Apr-13 13:39:00

Unfortunately the vast majority of men doing OD are unsuitable - either not actually single, not looking for any sort of relationship (just ONS, or even just sex talk/naked photos), or with more red flags than the Chinese army! There ARE a few decent ones but they really take some finding!

I'm coming to the conclusion that, in this area at least, most decent men have decided that its better to meet someone in real life, through interests or hobbies or similar. Unfortunately in real life, I keep meeting men with long term girlfriends that they keep secret! (I can spot the "signs" pretty well now).

Zilvernblue Wed 03-Apr-13 13:37:23

Oh darling you need to come down under to Perth, 3 men for every woman, I intend to become a right slut lol

Oh its not numbers that's the problem! Its quality. I don't think I'm being too fussy when I expect full literacy, similar education level, and someone I find physically attractive! I'm not even that fussy on the latter - I quite like short men!

Its really horrifying just how many men there are out there that are really arrogant about their appearance yet physically very unattractive. Is it the opposite of some kind of body dysmorphism? And how they "speak" to women is horrible. Using swear words and abbreviations like "yer" for your in their initial messages!

The only decent ones are younger men!

ALittleStranger Wed 03-Apr-13 13:18:17

I think a lot of what we call time-wasting in men is actually this too>> "I'm looking at online dating as a laugh, coffee, bit of flirting but relationships I think will come from friends of friends I think."

What's good for the goose etc.

Mosman Wed 03-Apr-13 01:57:06

Oh darling you need to come down under to Perth, 3 men for every woman, I intend to become a right slut lol
Seriously I don't know what to think of online dating, my exH had a profile on ok Cupid whilst I thought all in the garden was Rosie and I pissed my self reading about how good looking he is, profile photo 10 years out of dating - wearing his fucking wedding suit - basically professing to be gods gift to woman kind whilst looking for a bit on the side, you would never have guessed this though.
I'm looking at online dating as a laugh, coffee, bit of flirting but relationships I think will come from friends of friends I think.

mercury7 Wed 03-Apr-13 01:25:00

just dont engage at all with people who are obviously not on your wavelength unless you're really bored & want to practise being sarcastic

WildlingPrincess Wed 03-Apr-13 01:03:43

Yes! I was chatting to someone and he told me his only hobby was ' getting stoned lol', then he wondered why I wasn't interested.....

VelvetSpoon Wed 03-Apr-13 00:54:56

Unfortunately the vast majority of men doing OD are unsuitable - either not actually single, not looking for any sort of relationship (just ONS, or even just sex talk/naked photos), or with more red flags than the Chinese army! There ARE a few decent ones but they really take some finding!

I probably shouldn't disillusion you only a month in but here goes anyway I am supposedly a good catch - decent job, intelligent, attractive, well presented, no young children etc. I thought I'd meet someone decent fairly quickly. In fact it took me 4 YEARS shock to find anyone I could get beyond a first date with. And that wasn't even me being overly fussy, most of them just didn't want to see me again (with hindsight, they were mostly pretty awful so it is no loss!). I did finally meet someone late last year but we're still only at the dating stage and whether or not a relationship will come of it is anyone's guess!

My experience is by most people's standards pretty shit (I live in the London suburbs so I don't even have a geographical excuse!) but just to say that for most people it does take months of wading through the crap to find a reasonable one, so don't give up (yet)! smile

Zilvernblue Wed 03-Apr-13 00:03:00

Its not just me then giesabosie! I struggle to take it seriously and tend towards ignoring the majority of messages or being sarcastic. I admit I was sarcastic to the one tonight who messaged "Hi hows U. Give us a look at yer pics then and I'll send 1 back". He then told me I "needed to prove myself, as I could be a pervy bearded man". He was a classic.

No lorry drivers yet - I must not appeal to them. Lots of engineers...though as many of them tell me, I must be after their money because they earn so much and most women are and their cars cost them £xxxxx, as did their houses...

11 pms today...3 sounded nice but I probably don't fancy them as I'm still hung up on my ex. The 28 year old sounds really nice, but so young. Messages very long and interesting but will he fade away? Will I? Guitar Man pm-d me at 9.30pm to ask me for a coffee and then for a drink when I pointed out it was unfeasible, I must admit I asked him if he was unaquainted with the ancient art of conversation and introductions, and indeed the world of work in the mornings. He did apologise profusely for creating a bad first impression and I might pm him tomorrow but hes not really doing much for me.

tbh I think my issue with it is that it takes me ages to get used to someone and sending messages to a stranger on the internet and then meeting up with them just seems so forced and unnatural.

giesabosie Tue 02-Apr-13 23:50:40

Zilvernblue - I'm in your neck of the woods too. Have been on PoF for a wee while now and had a very similar experience. No-one seems to be be to flirt with subtlety and humour anymore. My heart always sinks when they say "fancy a chat?" because it usually means telling me about their hard on (yawn).

Have you had any lorry drivers yet? I've had a few looking for "company" as they drive round the country.

SanctiMOMious Tue 02-Apr-13 23:18:52

omg at the reply mocking women for thinking they might actually find somebody. just let yourselves go and have sex on my terms instead.

Zilvernblue Tue 02-Apr-13 20:54:37

Got it in one, MadBraLady.

Spero Tue 02-Apr-13 20:02:44

I once met a man who was seriously into 'tickling' - there is a whole weird culture of tickle fetishes out there, I never knew. Giggle man is probably a subset of this.

Zilvernblue Tue 02-Apr-13 19:53:36

boyfromipinema brilliant - you've got it!

You forgot the line about "loving walks along the beach hand in hand" and its technically "cuddling up on the sofa with that special someone, a bottle of wine and a DVD" - I've seen that one in every second profile!

Seriously, though, the giggle-lover was in his late forties. What sort of man lists "giggling" as a hobby?? And then says again in his pm to me that he "likes giggling"???

MadBraLady Tue 02-Apr-13 19:51:27


Zilvernblue Tue 02-Apr-13 19:50:45

Yes but OhLori there are literally over 50 or 60 pms like that. Its horrific. I feel like I've entered some nightmare parallel universe. Literally every single man over say, 27, seems to have that roughness/aggression/cynicism about them. There are some lovely men here, but they have all been in a steady, happy relationship since the age of 23!

Not Manchester or Liverpool either. Think of a city dominated by one industry, an industry which is male dominated and tends to pay quite high wages to non graduates, not at all requiring good social skills. A city which is quite isolated and far, far away...

OhLori Tue 02-Apr-13 18:58:05

Hilarious, Zilvernstone!

^Heres one of the more polite and erudite examples:

"Hi there hows you. Im offshore just now working down in Angola. Will be honest from the start here and tell you Im married. I just came on here for a nosey and a bit of crack. I hope I have not offended you. Your probs thinking im some kind of arsehole, but im just looking for the yap nowt else xxx"

the more subtle...

"hey, hows you, nice wee profile, would also like to go on a couple of fun flirty little dates and see how things go, everyone seems to think they can find mr perfect on here and not enjoy themselves and let themselves go a little, any chance you could send pics, can send one back xxxxxxx"^

Its a bit shocking isn't it? I mean, I think to myself, once these were normal little boys confused.

MadBraLady Tue 02-Apr-13 17:13:37

I was just coming back here to suggest Manchester. grin

LittleEdie Tue 02-Apr-13 17:09:37


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