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Advice needed - DH flirting...

(23 Posts)
ShouldIBeWorried2013 Tue 02-Apr-13 10:56:26

Hello. I've NC for this. I need some advice and can't talk to anyone in RL sad

Basically. DH has an iPhone with a passlock. It's always on him but not obsesively so. My phone, FYI, is always unlocked, often leave it about etc.

Anyway, at the weekend I see his phone on the side unlocked so - I'm embarrassed to admit - I have a little peek.

Basically I find two things, that last week he had dinner with a female colleague -just them. Secondly that a girl he used to work with (who I've met with her boyf) is chatting to him on WhatsApp and sent him a pic of her and her friends (just a normal group shot, nothing rude) along with chat. Just a bit weird.

I asked him who this girl was who he had dinner with and he said she was just a mate and that she was the only colleague who wanted to come out to eat, he didn't find her attractive, and he didnt tell me as he thought I'd be jealous. hmm

I didn't get enought time with the phone to have a real dig but just the basics. Nothing else to really worry about. The thing is years ago I caught him flirty texting girls about ten years ago. I have a rough suspicion he kissed another girl in a club (from reading an email 10 yrs ago) but I don't know. Away from me he seems to be a bit flirty. A few months ago I saw he was texting another female ex-colleague - all a lot of 'ooh saucy' and winky faces... but didn't see anythign else. I know she mentioned her own DH in the texts.

I've read him the riot act about it - and said to tell me if he is going to do that again and that talking to other girls like that (he used a pet name for her in the text) is disrespectful. He's apologised.

The thing is, our relationship is all good - apart from a lack of anything physical. I keep trying but it's every few months if I'm lucky. So why is he flirting outside our marriage and not making the effort with me?

I don't know what to do. We've been together so many years and I'm at an age now where I want to be having children. But what will he be like then?

If I try to talk to him about relationship issues, he generally turns it back on me - I don't do enough around the house, we never go out together... neither of which is true. He gets on the defensive until its impossible to keep talking.

Any advice? What do I do? Sorry to ramble on.

DoingItForMyself Tue 02-Apr-13 11:35:03

sad it must be hard to live with this level of suspicion, but his responses say more to me about what's going on than the texts themselves.

In an ideal world, you wouldn't feel the need to check his phone just because it was unlocked.

If you did and found flirty messages, you would talk to him and he'd say "sorry, yes it is a bit disrespectful to call her by a pet name, I can see how that would be upsetting for you, I'll tone it down a bit when I'm talking to her".

Regarding the meal, not telling you because "you'd be jealous" just shows how little he understands your feelings, as keeping it quiet makes it look dodgy even if it isn't.

The lack of physical affection (before you even have DCs!), turning it back on you when you try to talk about relationship issues and general level of disrespect you feel don't sound like the best basis for starting a family to me.

Sorry, but I'd be thinking very carefully about what kind of man he is before deciding to have a child with him, things won't improve when you're tired and emotional from looking after a baby all day, only to find he's been out to dinner with someone who has had time for a haircut and isn't spattered with baby food!

NotTreadingGrapes Tue 02-Apr-13 11:37:03

It's not "all good" that relationship though is it?

Flirty messages to more than one person, dinner with women that you didn't know about, a non physical bit that you're obviously not happy about?

Where's the "all good" bit?

DoingItForMyself Tue 02-Apr-13 11:37:33

p.s. the email from 10 years ago makes it sound as though he hasn't done anything like this for a while (to your knowledge) but its obviously still on your mind because its never been properly resolved. That kind of grudge-bearing is bound to affect your relationship, but it doesn't seem like he is open to resolving anything.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Apr-13 11:39:42

This isn't a good relationship

If you think you might want children soon, dump this one and find a more reliable and trustworthy bloke to be the father of your babies

DoingItForMyself Tue 02-Apr-13 11:47:17

Concise and spot on as ever AF!

ShouldIBeWorried2013 Tue 02-Apr-13 11:58:13

Thank you - you are all very wise as usual.

Thing is, generally, it is good. We're like best friends. But I need the physical side. I do. And I guess there are some unresolved trust issues...

What would you do about the phone? Can I issue an ultimatum along the lines of - give me your passcode or I'm out? He'd just accuse me of not trusting him and it'd turn into a row. We've been together 20 years, married for 7 - I can't beleive something as stupid as this could ruin it all. :'(

And yes the emial is still on my mind, he did the usual total denial and as I was a bit less strong back then, I pretended it didn't exist.

AnyFucker Tue 02-Apr-13 12:13:46

Best friends don't treat others like this

Turning disagreements back on you, telling stupid lies about the state of the house to make you STFU, the stone walling. That is not healthy, and certainly not how friends treat each other. You would have cut a "friend" out of your life for behaving like this on a sustained basis.

Mosschops30 Tue 02-Apr-13 12:19:11

Listen to AF grin she rules!!!!

NotTreadingGrapes Tue 02-Apr-13 12:21:36

You could demand the code for the phone. He will simply buy a secret sim. (after he has done the poor me how dare you not trust me thing)

You still haven't managed to say what is good.

Mumsyblouse Tue 02-Apr-13 12:23:24

I think the fact that you hardly have an intimate relationship means that there are bigger problems than him going out to dinner with a female colleague (who could have just been a colleage). How are you going to have a family, being the obvious practical one?

AnyFucker Tue 02-Apr-13 12:28:20

Your fiver is in the post, Mossy wink

OP, burying your head in the sand isn't a long term solution, I am afraid

Mosschops30 Tue 02-Apr-13 12:32:10


Sugarice Tue 02-Apr-13 12:35:43

Being just 'best friends' and lack of sex isn't a good mix for producing a baby.

Imagine the situation if you did have a child, would he be supportive or more likely to become more of a dickhead.

Boosterseat Tue 02-Apr-13 12:38:04

No respectful spouse would go out to dinner with a member of the opposite sex without telling their own SO - smacks of something suspicious to me (Sorry)

If you wouldn’t tell your OH you are doing something then you KNOW you shouldn’t be doing it - that’s how DH and i work. Not telling you is the same as lying in my book.

Suuki Tue 02-Apr-13 12:38:47

Just because you get along as friends, doesn't make this a 'good' marriage. It sounds awful tbh and I wouldn't have children with someone I didn't trust and didn't have a good physically affectionate/sexual relationship.

My advice would be to sort out these issues before even considering children, or leave him.

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 02-Apr-13 12:40:52

He has form for this.

He obviously never learned his lesson from last time and still feels entitled and justified in behaving in this way.

Oh yes and saying that he does not find colleague attractive is one of the oldest tricks in the book hmm and so is the "I thought you would be jealous" excuse - talk about being guilty of having done something that would have made you jealous.

He is investing far more energy and effort in his "friendships" with other women than in his marriage - speaks volumes doesn't it.

Get out while you can - you do not want to have children with this man - he will always seek other women to boost his pathetic ego.

forgetmenots Tue 02-Apr-13 13:24:31

My feeling is similar to boosterseat's - DH and I have said to each other, if you wouldn't do it with me in the room, or laugh about it later with me, it's probably not OK.

This was clearly not something he wanted to discuss, which makes it suspicious for me, and the pet name is the thing that seals it for me - would he call her that in front of you? Is it a nickname rather than a sign of affection? If not, you really need to talk to him about this more.

ShouldIBeWorried2013 Tue 02-Apr-13 13:35:51

Oh tits. You are all right, I know it. It's just so easy trundling along. We have so many laughs, and he's supported me through very tough times, and me him.

Then it all goes sour because he can't stop being a stupid flirting little twunt.

It isn't all bad, I promise. I don't want to give too much of myself away. I mean, I don't think he could be having an affair as he is home every night on time and only goes out about once a month with his workmates but yes, the intimate little messages really f*ck me off. And the lack of intimacy - I'm sorry but I have needs!

I've got a lot to think about. Thank you all x

Suuki Tue 02-Apr-13 13:46:49

Maybe the flirting will stop if you get your relationship back on track with some serious hard work. Not that there's any excuse for it, but if you both want to sort things out it's def possible. Stop trundling along and start talking - total honesty is required from you both. Good luck x

MadAboutHotChoc Tue 02-Apr-13 13:46:57

Many affairs are conducted during work hours - lunchtimes, fake conferences and afternoons off.

If you are going to sweep his indiscretions under the carpet, how will you address the lack of sex? Are you sure he is not getting his sexual kicks elsewhere... ?

forgetmenots Tue 02-Apr-13 13:55:35

I'm sure it's not all bad, and you may be right that it hasn't gone beyond texting, but that's bad enough and you need to have the chat. Really feel for you, good luck x

NotTreadingGrapes Tue 02-Apr-13 14:07:50

Wrt it not being possible because he is home on time etc...a friend of mine has just ended her 14 year affair with a married man. 14 years and he was always home in time too.

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