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Horrible experience at Indian wedding - is this attitude normal?

(14 Posts)
tiredandwanttosleep Tue 02-Apr-13 10:50:43

Have been in a mixed race relationship with my DP for over ten years, he is from an Indian background, born and raised here and I am white. We've just spent the weekend at a very close relative's wedding (both Indian) where I was completely ignored by the bride's family, and where the brides sisters both tried to blank me at the reception. I'm trying really hard not to take this personally but this is the second time I've been to one of these big weddings where I've either been ignored or sent dirty looks for the whole event by distant relatives. My DP says not to take it to heart, as its more of a caste issue (the bride's family thinking they are a higher caste so don't need to make an effort with groom's), which I find equally outrageous especially as these are people born and raised in the UK with professional jobs and a fairly westernised outlook.

I've always made a real effort with DP's family, who have always been accepting, but this kind of blatant rudeness has really made me question everything. I've said to DP this is the last big family event I will go to but I'm not sure if this is being too harsh. Do I just have to accept this behaviour as one of the downsides of being from different cultures?

Gruntfuttocks Tue 02-Apr-13 10:57:05

They may have "Westernised" values in everyday life, but at major family events, I think it is probably inevitable that families will revert to their original cultural norms. If you want to be with him, you have to accept that there will be cultural clashes on occasion. Stay away if you want, but it won't encourage them to accept you if you fight against their values. If your life with DP is generally happy, then the occasional upset with his family won't derail you. Would his attitude change if you married or had children together?

Squitten Tue 02-Apr-13 10:59:13

As long as it's not your DP's family making you feel bad then I'd just let it go. As your DP has told you, there are many factors that could influence their behaviour. There's nothing you can do about it so don't sweat it.

Horrible people are horrible people no matter where they come from!

tiredandwanttosleep Tue 02-Apr-13 11:01:03

We already have children together and a very happy settled life together. I guess I was always brought up to be polite and pleasant to people no matter what the circumstance and I find this ability to be blatantly rude and disrespectful very hard to stomach.

Forwardscatter Tue 02-Apr-13 11:01:59

It's not an 'Indian' thing, it's just rudeness.

AndBingoWasHisNameOh Tue 02-Apr-13 11:05:16

That must be very upsetting for you but if they are not his family but instead those that the relative is marrying into, there might not be much you can do and I'm not sure that should stop you going to events with his own family. You say DP so am I right in assuming that you're not married - might this be part of the issue for those who were being rude?

tiredandwanttosleep Tue 02-Apr-13 11:22:02

Not being married is an issue but I still don't get how that makes it ok to behave in this manner. Everyone makes judgements about other people but is it really ok to show your views in such an obvious manner in any culture? What happened to old fashioned manners, or am I completely out of touch?

izzyizin Tue 02-Apr-13 11:36:14

I socialise with Hindu Brahmins and Boston Brahmins who are invariably courteous and considerate of others, regardless of whether they be dustmen or dukes.

What you've experienced has nothing to do with caste and everything to do with appalling bad manners and sheer bloody minded rudeness.

People who behave in this manner are invariaby insecure; rise above it and don't give them the satisaction of seeing any hurt or anger you may feel at being on the receiving end of their lack of class.

ExRatty Tue 02-Apr-13 11:49:22

Weddings are ODD
So many people I know have been treated fairly grimly at weddings. For some people it brings out the very worst in them.
Easy to say ignore it but at least it isn't your family

RunRabbit Tue 02-Apr-13 12:01:02

Indians don't do tact.

I think you need to have thicker skin, cutting yourself off will only make things worse.

Some people wont like your relationship and that's just the way it is. You wont change their minds and you shouldn't have to. You have as much right to be there as they do, so why should you remove yourself from any family functions?

Just live your life and be happy and ignore the rude people.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 02-Apr-13 12:39:35

Agree that it's not an indian thing... they are just being hostile. Call them out on it rather than sitting meekly and saying nothing...

tiredandwanttosleep Tue 02-Apr-13 13:25:19

Under normal circumstances would have said something but it wouldn't have been right to have said anything to the bride's family at the wedding. I don't think the groom would ever have forgiven me, as it was very important to him that we made sure her family were happy.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 02-Apr-13 13:37:48

It was more important that this nasty bunch were kept happy than it was for you to feel welcome as a guest? So what if the groom would have never forgiven you? Now that you've let them walk all over you once, and now that he has approved their behaviour, that's you scuppered for ever more. In which case, you have nothing to lose by standing up for yourself in future. No more standing on ceremony...

Viviennemary Tue 02-Apr-13 13:40:42

Sadly it looks like they just do not approve of your relationship and have made it obvious. But since it isn't the immediate family I would just avoid these sort of gatherings in future. I don't think you should have to accept this behaviour but whether you can change it who knows.

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