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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

what was the last straw?

71 replies

Newmumsuchfun · 02/04/2013 10:24

what did your ex other half do that made you decide enough was enough? or what could your current partner do that would make you leave?

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NinaHeart · 02/04/2013 10:51

I had a hospital appointment for a "one stop shop" regarding a breast lump. He wouldn't come with me as he was playing golf.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/04/2013 10:54

That's a 'how long is a piece of string' question. There are women on this board who have become so acclimatised to sustained aggression over a long period of time that they struggle to see it is abnormal and therefore never decide enough is enough. There are some that live with a very badly behaved, poor excuse for a man but - bizarrely - don't want to say enough is enough because it might upset the children. There are others that operate zero tolerance and ask the partner to leave for something that, to others, might seem relatively trivial. All sorts....

What's happening in your relationship that you are at that stage?

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purplewithred · 02/04/2013 11:02

Some last tiny straw just tipped the balance - I think it was the umpteenth time when we had a 'talk' for him to call me to task yet again for clearly not being happy and committed to the relationship, and tell me what I was doing wrong, without ever asking what he could do to make things right again or what he was contributing to my unhappiness. Suddenly, it was all over, the time had come.

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MsNobodyAgain · 02/04/2013 11:04

I agree with cog. I put up with years of abuse. Clung onto a long dead marriage.

If you are even asking yourself that question, it's time to get out.

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EggwiniasRevenge · 02/04/2013 11:08

£40 worth of valentines trash and a dozen soppy poems for the other woman.

A shitty card promising all his love forever for me.

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nurseneedshelp · 02/04/2013 11:12

Agree with cogito, sometimes you reach the point where you just can't tolerate any more and can't imagine yourself in the same shitty situation in a year's time.

I took a massive beating because I was half hour late home from work.

I work as an A+E nurse and was terrified of a trauma coming in as my shift was finishing as I'd get the silent treatment for days if I was few minutes late!

My life couldn't be any more different now with my new DP if I'm late home I get a big cuddle and a cold glass of wine :-)

I love my "new" life and know I'll never let myself be treated like that again!

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Lueji · 02/04/2013 11:32

The second time he assaulted me. I called the police to make him leave the house.
Stupidly I still let him back in again, still reinforcing that we were finished.

What really, really, really broke the last straw, was two days later when he threatened to kill himself, and said he would take me and DS, if we didn't go back together.
I was out of the house within one hour (he thought he had "won") with DS never to return.

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baw70 · 02/04/2013 16:18

DS2 was born 12 weeks too early and was in SCBU for a long time. ThenDH refused to hold him the week after he was born, in case he was sick on his suit. The look on the nurse's face said it all. Later, he refused to do the baby CPR training required before the baby was allowed home. We had been told that it was something both parents had to attend, so I was worried DS2 wouldn't be allowed home and queried it with the nurses. They told me that they were under no illusion as to how little parenting ExDH would be doing and they more or less classed me as a single parent for the purposes of the criteria for DS2 being allowed to come home. His behaviour throughout the pregnancy had been callous and unpleasant, as it was throughout DS2's time in SCBU and after. Although it took a further 4 years for us to separate, I knew right then that I would not be spending the rest of my life with this man and that it was just a matter of time.

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Marymoo73 · 02/04/2013 16:26

First affair when DD was 6 months old and I was suffering crippling PND. Found him out, he promised to change, would never do it again etc etc....6 months later he was at it again. Finally saw him for the weak, pathetic wanker he truly was and got rid.

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SanctiMOMious · 02/04/2013 16:28

I put up with years of abuse too, but I think for some there is a moment of lucidity and it comes in the middle of something which is no worse than thousands of things that went before it.

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AnyFucker · 02/04/2013 16:36

I do believe it is often something insignificant in the scheme of things that can be the Last Straw.

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Betrayedbutsurvived · 02/04/2013 16:54

1st ex, he was hitting me again, and he said, "I'm going to make your life hell" it suddenly dawned on me that he would, and started planning my escape that day.

Ex number 2, we had a row and he left me with no money, several miles from home in the middle of the night,, and drove home. When I finally managed to get back ( had no option but to walk) I pointed out I could have been raped, his response was that it would have served me right if I had, I left the same night, and to this day he can't understand why.

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NiniLegsInTheAir · 02/04/2013 16:55

From what I know, the 'last straw' is usually something that as AnyFucker says, is insignificant in the scheme of things.

For me - the last straw was not when he tried to strangle me, nor when he hit me and claimed he didn't, nor the years of emotional put downs, or even the refusal to offer me any support when both DD and me were distressed in labour. No, my last straw was when he dropped into conversation that the tickets he'd booked to a concert for both himself and FIL was for the day of our wedding anniversary. He'd deliberately not told me as he knew I'd be upset and didn't want the aggro.

This was recently, so I'm not out yet. But I'm forming real, concrete plans for the first time.

Does this help OP?

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FennCara · 02/04/2013 17:10

Agree with insignificance in the grand scheme of things.

He let a door swing back at me, so I got stuck in the door. He rolled his eyes (denies this) and I said "Sorry!"

He told me to fuck off.

We drove 300 miles back home the next day. I collapsed unconscious at a service station and he still walked out as soon as we got home. We haven't been together since.

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Still18atheart · 02/04/2013 17:14

looking back really silly

but i was walking back to my house with a heavy load and i knew that even if i wanted him to be and if he wasn't busy that even then he would't help me

After that I did a pros and cons list, the cons vastly outweighed the pros and I though enough was enough

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Ahhhcrap · 02/04/2013 17:19

After years if EA he lost his rag with me because I put a pan of water on the wrong ring so I told him I was leaving (it was most defo the straw that broke the camels back in my case) he said 'if you walk out that door ill never let you back in' do I walked the look on his face was priceless

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Newmumsuchfun · 02/04/2013 19:08

Just to say I am still here and reading all responses. thank you. maybe i should have asked- looking back, what should have been the first straw? As in, what did you ignore that you shouldnt have ... in the first instance.

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AnyFucker · 02/04/2013 20:07

OP, have a look here

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Newmumsuchfun · 02/04/2013 20:13

that's a good website. thank you.

OP posts:

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AnyFucker · 02/04/2013 20:14

Yes, I think it is too

are you ok ?

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Ahhhcrap · 02/04/2013 21:11

I ignored him being stroppy, to such an extent I stopped, when I saw my friends. He also told me if I didn't move in with him he'd finish with me (I was 17), married at 26, left at 27..

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Newmumsuchfun · 02/04/2013 21:34

yes i think i am ok. There has basically been an incident but dont want to go into detail. A physical incident but I started it.
I pushed.

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Uppatreecuppatea · 02/04/2013 21:44

Bear this (I think, wonderful) saying in mind when thinking of last straws:

"It's not the death of a loved one that drives you round the bend but a broken shoelace with no time to spare".

Basically, it's the little things that get you in the end. Good luck OP

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AnyFucker · 02/04/2013 21:47

It's ok if you don't want to go into detail. Any time you like, you will get support here.

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SignoraStronza · 02/04/2013 21:53

When he caught dc (2) in the crossfire of one of his tantrums and she fell, hitting her head. After making sure she wasn't seriously injured he cornered me at the end of the galley style kitchen and while I held a screaming dc with a hand up to protect myself, bit me. His final flourish was to grab a plastic bag containing a v. dirty nappy (to go downstairs to the bin) and belt it against both kitchen walls, spraying shit all over the dinner awaiting us on the table. Not a good evening.