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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Never getting married...how do I get over the upset?

192 replies

WeddingUpset · 01/04/2013 23:47

My 'D'P has basically announced we will never be married. On paper the reasoning is sound (it's a big expense that could be put to other things), but it still makes me feel desperately sad.

How do I get over these feelings? I'm currently sat here quietly sobbing, I just need advice on how to stop feeling this way

OP posts:

Report

happyAvocado · 01/04/2013 23:54

is he talking about how expensive registry office wedding is?

I think you should ask him why he said that , assuming that up until now you were planning to get married...

{{{{big hug}}}}

DisAstrophe · 01/04/2013 23:55

But it doesn't have to cost a lot of money. Two of the most fun weddings I've been to both involved a registry office, then food/bbq at home with 20 ish friends and family and a posh frock from the high st for the bride.

Another friend did it even more cheaply with just the two of them plus two friends as witnesses and then a pub lunch for 4. Less than £100 all in.

So is your dp objecting to a big white wedding or the actual fact of getting married?

Anomaly · 01/04/2013 23:56

Are you upset at not getting married or at not getting a wedding? Getting married need not cost a lot and money isn't everything. I think you need to talk to your DP about how you feel.

fedupofnamechanging · 01/04/2013 23:56

I think you need to talk to your dp. For a start, he is not the only one in this relationship - your view carries as much weight as his and this is something a couple discusses, not something he just announces.

Secondly, if marriage is very important to you and he absolutely doesn't want it, then you need to consider the future of the relationship. Being married isn't everything, but if it was important to me and my dp wouldn't even entertain the idea, that would be very telling to me about his priority not being me and my happiness.

I think that a man who truly loved you, does not dismiss out of hand something that matters to you..

WeddingUpset · 01/04/2013 23:58

I've told him I'd be happy going to a registry office and the off to the pub but he is very conscious of appearances. He thinks we have to have this massive church/grand hotel type thing, we can't afford it therefore it's not happening.

He knows I crave marriage (I want the commitment and declaring our love to all) but he thinks we live together and have children that should be enough. And it should be, but I've wanted marriage since I was a child. I just need to get over it

OP posts:

bellabelly · 01/04/2013 23:58

When i got married (14 years ago so prices might have changed a bit!) the registry office bit only cost £50. If it's the being married part that's important to you, it really doesn't cost much at all.

bellabelly · 02/04/2013 00:00

Unromantic as it sounds, marriage puts things on a legal footing. I don't think you "need to get over it" at all.

fedupofnamechanging · 02/04/2013 00:00

So he's putting appearances over your feelings? No, you don't just need to get over it - he needs to sort out his priorities.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/04/2013 00:00

Do you know yourself whether you wanted a marriage or a wedding? It's not entirely unreasonable to feel sad if you did want a big party and a floaty white frock and now it seems you will never get it: any long-held dream that's suddenly taken away will make you sad.

However, if you wanted to be married to this man and he's now reluctant to marry you, that can be more worrying and upsetting because it's hard not to feel that he's demonstrating a lot less commitment to you than you wanted. Do you have DC together? Or a mortgage? Have you been together a long time?

SolidGoldBrass · 02/04/2013 00:02

BTW (thinking of another recent thread) it's actually a lot easier to get married cheaply than it is to get buried cheaply. You could point that out to him. Even a cheap funeral costs about two grand, a wedding can be done for a fuck of a lot less.

Anomaly · 02/04/2013 00:02

So because you can't afford a big do you have to live with not getting married? His priorities are all wrong. Why is his feelings over not being able to afford the do are more important than your wish to be married?

Gruntfuttocks · 02/04/2013 00:03

"conscious of appearances" v. your feelings, and he chooses the former? What an idiot.

Can't you get the kids on the case? Guilt him into it? Why not suggest you do it quietly at the local registry office then tell everyone you got married abroad while on holiday, or something?

MrsHoolie · 02/04/2013 00:03

Hi OP.

My DP doesn't want to get married either.I would be happy to walk into a registry office with just the two of us.
We have two DC and he has two from his first marriage.

However,unlike you I have been married (to a total twunt) and DP was also married before.

I am still hopefull.

WafflyVersatile · 02/04/2013 00:04

do you go to church?

If he's worried that people will think that you are poor if you get married in the register office then you could get married on holiday.

Of course he may genuinely be against marriage for ideological reasons, or he might think you'd get more rights in a split if you're married.

Ultimately, although it's not just him who gets a say, you can't force someone to marry. Not without a shotgun.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/04/2013 00:04

Xposted with other people. Does your DP generally get his own way? Is your household set up so that you have to plead for what you want and he decides whether or not you are allowed it? It's not very healthy to be in a relationship with someone who expects you to accept and obey and never make any demands.

Snazzynewyear · 02/04/2013 00:04

I think it would make more sense for him to get over his consciousness of appearances.

WeddingUpset · 02/04/2013 00:07

I think it's a bit of both, I've always wanted the "floaty frock" as you put it. But I also want to actually be married to him. Yes we live together and have children (I've actually moved from my home town to live with him, something I still don't think I'm over truth be told) but I want this next step (hope this makes sense, I've got a bit of a sore head from crying. Feel so daft).

OP posts:

WeddingUpset · 02/04/2013 00:09

Wow, missed a lot of posts, I'm very slow typing!

He isn't demanding at all, he actually does make a sound argument. It's just like another poster said, it's hard when it's a life-long held dream.

OP posts:

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/04/2013 00:13

I can see that for both of you this is not really about the legal side - but have you worked out the figures for what it'd cost to get you both the same legal protection that marriage would provide? I believe it's typically rather a lot more expensive than a registry office do.

If you're not going to get married, and you have children, it would be really worth sorting out the legal side. Otherwise neither of you is protected.

I think you both need to talk this one over. I get where you're coming from and the way you put it, his reasons sound a bit superficial - but we're only getting your side (naturally) and maybe if you explain to him as you've explained to us, he'll be able to explain a bit more.

On the face of it, saying you'll 'never' get married because it's too expensive and insisting he would want a very posh do is not really a very nice attitude.

glub · 02/04/2013 00:13

if he were that worried about appearance he'd want to appear married lol. right?

Milly22 · 02/04/2013 00:16

I'm with karmabeliever on this one. He sounds controlling with no regard to your needs whatsoever. Do any of you have expensive hobbies, go on holidays abroad every year etc. You could even do it on holiday without much extra expense if you did without having to worry about what people thought. Anyway, do you really want to be with this man after all? Sounds like a right prat, sorry!

CandyCrushed · 02/04/2013 00:16

He sounds a bit of a meany but I suppose he has as much right to not want to get married as you have to want to get married. Have you discussed this before? How old are you both? Do you have moral or religeous grounds for wanting to be married?
I discussed wanting DCs with my DH very early in our relationship as I knew I wanted them.
What about a very quiet registry office wedding now with the promise of a big celebration/blessing years down the line when you can afford a 'lavish' do befitting of your DP's pretensions wishes.

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MysteriousHamster · 02/04/2013 00:20

I think if two people are in love and want to be together (puke! :)), and one doesn't care about marriage and the other does, then the former should get over themselves and do it for their partner. UNLESS it's a massive point to them. But if they say they just don't care/or it's the expense, they should do it for their partner.

Massively simplifying things there, but there you go.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 02/04/2013 00:20

You have moved to be with him?

What is your housing situation? Do you own, rent? Do you work and/or have money of your own?

In short - is he using this excuse as a way to keep you at arms length from any assets that he has?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 02/04/2013 00:22

ali said what I was hinting at.

I know it sounds horrible but that's why I'd bring up the cost of the legal situation with him.

Flip

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