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Toxic Mother

(4 Posts)
houseworkhater Mon 01-Apr-13 17:56:19

Just want somewhere to vent.

I don't know why I let her get to me but she does.

I have very little other family which only seems to magnify the problem.
She is always critising, she does it in an underhand way. she tells the kids that I did nothing in the house as a child(not true) so why should I make them? They do very little but whenever I try and get then to do more, hoover, empty dishwasher she says the above to them, behind my back.

She often makes sly digs about my dh, dcs, pil auntie, uncle, cousins. It is all so very draining.
My dh is under pressure at work, he has worked all the bank holiday and twice she said to me "Well dh doesn't normally work Saturdays does he." I replied that she has already said that but the implication seemed to be that perhaps he wasn't really working. Whenever she calls round, often and unannounced, she asked where everyone is, all dcs and dh, then asks again. In the past she has commented on if I have taken dcs out, will I be picking them up? what time will they be in? where are they? are they with someone I know? etc etc. I have tried just saying dh is out. She then asks where and then who with and what time he will be home! she absolutely gets on my nerves.

The thing is she doesn't then offer to help by picking them up.
Dh has said I should tell her to mind her own effing business.

She has an answer for everything. Dh says she is a nasty woman and he is correct. Two of my friends saw her last week and both commented without prompting that she was moaning.
When dcs were little and dh and I were going out, instead of comforting my youngest saying that occassionally mums and dads like to go out and enjoy adult things with friends, she ended up telling dd that I shouldn't be leaving her and I should be at home at all times!!!

Today she called round and I ended up telling her how bad she made me feel and that she never fails to make matters worse. My car needs mending and she went on and on as if it was the end of the world.
I try not to rely on her. I have tried to smile and just nod at her. She is so full of criticism, not necessarily directly towards me but in an underhanded way. telling me I must have money to burn if me and dh occassionally go out, or if I buy anything new, not that it is her business.

I have tried the look of "Oh it's you again is it?" but nothing seems to have an effect on her.

I know it sounds ungrateful but I did not have a good childhood, I really didn't and she trys to act like Snow White.

I don't think she will change but she has really irritated me today and not even bothered to make matters better when I pointed out how she makes me feel.
Anyway thanks for reading!

TheArmadillo Mon 01-Apr-13 18:40:43

You need to keep her at a distance. Screen calls, limit visits and keeping them to public places can make people act more restrained.

I would seriously consider her contact with your children as she is trying to make them feel insecure, and that is not good.

Don't rely on her for anything.

It's hard setting and enforcing boundaries. I made it easier for myself in some ways by cutting off contact completely but it doesn't suit everyone.

You can't make her behave. You can limit your contact with her.

houseworkhater Mon 01-Apr-13 19:37:55

Thank you Armadillo.
I really wish she was a nicer person but I guess she is as she is.

Hissy Mon 01-Apr-13 19:46:40

I agree, set boundaries, if she turns up unannounced don't serve tea etc, but say that you are busy and need to do x y or z, gather the kids and go out.

Just a couple of times until she gets the hint that she needs to double check it's convenient. Sorry mum, if you had have checked with me first.... etc etc

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