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Your abusive ex. Did anyone try to warn you?

(78 Posts)
WonderingHow Mon 01-Apr-13 14:53:12

When you first got together with your abusive ex, did anyone show reservations about him, or try to warn you?

If they did, what were you told - and what did you make of the warning?

If no-one said anything - do you wish they had? What did you need to hear, if anything. Or were you so in love you didn't care?

If this applies to you, I'd welcome any insights.

elinorbellowed Sun 07-Apr-13 11:01:38

OP, you could be describing a 'friend' of mine who is engaged to a man she has known 3 months, except that she introduced her DD to him within days of meeting him. He raises all kind of red flags to me, including his 'discipline' of her DD, the fact that she has completely changed her fashion style because he has bought her clothes and his hiving her of from her friends.
However, I feel unable to say anything. When she married her first husband I saw the bruises on her legs and her terror of him the night before her wedding and I told her marrying him was a terrible mistake and that it wasn't too late and she ignored me. She will ignore me again and I can't watch her inflict more damage on her DD. All I feel I can do is let her little girl know she has somewhere to go if she needs it.

WonderingHow Sun 07-Apr-13 17:28:51

Sancti– exactly – the sense of entitlement and lack of self-awareness is there for all to see. There are other situations, but one thing seems consistent: he is 100% selfish and entitled. He doesn't trouble to conceal it much.

And this is an interesting point, which I thoroughly agree with:

" She is entitled to hold her own views about any person, and they are HER views and don't need approval or seconding."
This is, of course, the argument for my own views. I can't stop someone seeing/liking someone, or conversely make them see/like someone: and this applies to me, too!

None of us has to like/not like someone, solely to keep someone else happy. And in a case like this I can't just paint a smile on: because it's not about like or dislike, it's about someone's future, someone I care about.

ConfusedPixie, it's upsetting to realise just how much of a hold these people have over us, even after they've left our lives. sad

Kernowgal it's great you are leaving the lines of communication open to talk to any future girlfriends. I think this is the best anyone can do.

elinor, that's awful for you. Yes, I've seen a change of fashion style too. I expect everyone thinks she's 'grown up', but it's not what comes across to me. It's more like she's disappeared. sad

With all my concerns, it's unfortunately not only about her and this unpleasant individual: her mother is constantly bragging and talking about this 'wonderful man' her daughter has found.

So it's a very unpleasant time as he has taken centre stage in that part of the family, while others have been pushed out: or been on the receiving end of aggression for failing to be sufficiently enthusiastic (not being sarcastic – that really is it).

There have been some difficult times lately.

I will look out for the Marion Keyes book, thank you.

Sanctimumious Sun 07-Apr-13 19:37:38

wonderinghow Yes, it's a paradox, or an irony (?) no matter how genuinely you really do have somebody's best interests at heart, you can't save them from a controlling person by telling them what what to do / think / tolerate.

That's worrying that her own mother seems pleased. She is not as astute clearly. Or, she is like a modern day mrs Bennett. Her daughter is engaged. Phew. :-(

That pressure from her mother could be a factor in her settling for this relationship. I remember feeling pressure to conform. I was nearly 30 and I felt like I owed it to my mother to do all the normal things like getting married and having children. I wasn't actually lonely when I met my x. I seemed to care more about appearing to be happy than actually being happy. Over time though I realised that my priorities were ass over t1t

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