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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

H not getting on with dd

187 replies

npg1 · 01/04/2013 14:22

Hi. Need some advice, its making me miserable.

I have married my new partner. I have 2 children aged 10 and 6. Dd1 loves her step dad, dd2 is going through a funny phase at the moment. She gets upset and in moods easily which really winds H up. He thinks I baby her too much. He says she winds him up all the time, that she is nasty and he doesbt like her. I am finding her difficult at the moment, making me very stressed out too. Both dds have gone through alot of change recently. Their dad has a new baby in family now.

H has just said to me he would rather be at work! He lounges around not wanting to go out and wonders why the kids r climbing the walls.

Any advice please x

OP posts:

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Kormachameleon · 01/04/2013 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kinkyfuckery · 01/04/2013 14:32

Was his relationship with the kids this strained prior to getting married?

npg1 · 01/04/2013 14:35

It was better before we got married. Thibgs have only turned since jan I would say. X

OP posts:

lunar1 · 01/04/2013 14:40

I would give him about 5 mins to completely change his attitude to your DD and if he cant do it immediately then he should fuck off and you should be a family with your children.

Your children deserve better than this waste of space.

Simontowers1 · 01/04/2013 15:04

If you love your children OP, get rid of this cretin man-child now. She is 6 FFs. Also, what has it got to do with him how you bring your kids up? Threads like this drive me nuts - people putting their love lifes before their children.

npg1 · 01/04/2013 15:06

Thanks. Im not putting my love life before kids. I feel very sad and as though I have failed again. We have only been together 2 and half yrs and married 6 mths

OP posts:

beautyfades · 01/04/2013 15:09

He doesnt sound up to much if you ask me. You probably know this though.

beautyfades · 01/04/2013 15:10

And you have not failed.

paintyourbox · 01/04/2013 15:10

Sorry OP, can you clarify is it your 10 year old DD who is not getting on with her step dad?

She's hurtling towards puberty and is also undergoing a lot of change within her family life as you pointed out.

I suggest you have some one-to-one time with DD, perhaps all this change is making her feel insecure. Sounds like reassurance from mum might help.

As for DP, well he needs to appreciate she is a child. Yes, children wind us up and yes sometimes they may even be "nasty" but it sounds like he is being pretty moody and nasty himself- surely he can't criticise her for following his bad example?!

izzyizin · 01/04/2013 15:11

You haven't failed - he's failed you and he's not only failing your dds, he's causing them untold emotional harm in the process.

The bad new is you can't divorce him for another 6 months. The good news is there's nothing to stop you taking your dds out after you've told him you don't expect to find him lounging in, or anywhere near, your home on your return.

seeker · 01/04/2013 15:16

How come you think you've failed? He is behaving like a git- don't put up with it.

Don't put up with rudeness from dd either- but remember who's the grown up.

npg1 · 01/04/2013 15:20

No its dd2 who is 6. They clash big time.

I feel like I have failed cos I split with their dad. Then met H and got married too quickly and now I have issues.

I have just gone on to anti ds cos I feel down but cant quite out my finger on why I do. Im now wondering if its the relationship

OP posts:

lunar1 · 01/04/2013 15:21

What do you think you should do?

npg1 · 01/04/2013 15:22

Even now he is sitting in pjs downstairs watching football. Im cleaning! He often does this. No motivation. And hr now has 8 days off

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 01/04/2013 15:22

OK well I wouldn't live with someone who thought my six year old was nasty and said he didn't like her. I would pack his bags and tell him to go and find someone else to bully. Your job is to protect your daughter. She's had enough upset with her dad having another child without living with someone who says nasty things about her.

She's six!

HellonHeels · 01/04/2013 15:24

My advice is to give him one chance to change his attitude to your poor DD and bin him immediately if he doesn't. Your little DDs have lost their home shared with just them and their mum, "lost" their mum to a new stepdad who makes it clear he doesn't like DD2, and their dad is presumably preoccupied with the new baby.

You haven't failed -yet. You will have failed if you allow your partner to continue treating your DDs like this.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/04/2013 15:27

He says she winds him up all the time, that she is nasty and he doesbt like her.

Your H sounds like a 5 year old not an adult. Is he jealous of your attention?

Perhaps he did make more of an effort initially, maybe he pushed too hard for Daddy status. How often do your DDs see their father? DD2 is acting up for you too, she is only 6 and will fear that a new baby half sibling is going to supplant her in her father's affections. Presumably your new H sees her playing up with you so resents that and thinks you deserve better. Does he have equal say with you about house rules and discipline? He is used to being in the right and won't necessarily know yet that being a parent is sometimes about compromise and picking your battles. Your DDs depend on you to stick up for them, they have to be your priority.

Sometimes when it seems it's the children causing friction, there's either underlying stress regarding the ex - a desire to compete and be a great new husband and dad, or simply it's new for all of you, the romance of dating has gone and now it's the 4 of you in a new family unit. He has to pull his weight, now he's well and truly got his feet under the table.

Machli · 01/04/2013 15:31

They don't "clash", because he's an ADULT and shouldn't be clashing with 6 year old children! What A Twat!

Ok, you haven't failed AT ALL but you will if you don't get rud of this bullying man ASAP. I have a 6 year old and anyone that argued with her because they clashed would be put in the picture sharpish. Sounds to me like he's letting you see the real him now that you're married and letting you know how things are going to be.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 01/04/2013 15:31

PS If the only thing stopping you from giving him a boot up the ass is the fear of being seen to have 'failed again', it isn't failing when you look out for your DCs' happiness and give up on someone who doesn't put as much effort into this marriage as you do. Don't let pride stand in the way of reviewing and possibly calling a halt to something which may have been a step too far.

whokilleddannylatimer · 01/04/2013 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

izzyizin · 01/04/2013 15:33

It's often the case that non-productive and unfulfilling relationships can cause one of the parties to turn to anti-d's in the belief the problem must lie with them rather than acknowledging the fact that they have made a gross error of judgement in becoming involved with a self-entitled, self-centred, self-absorbed twat/twatette.

When this occurs it's time to ditch the cause of the problem and return the meds to the pharmacy.

It sounds as if your involvement with this twat was in the nature of a rebound relationship. You may have married in haste but, given the way he's behaving towards your little dd, you'll be ill-advised to indulge in the luxury of repenting at leisure.

Cut your losses and tell him to leave before he can cause any further upset to her.

npg1 · 01/04/2013 15:39

I dont know what to do. We both know things havent been brilliant for a couple months. I have wasted all my savibg that I had 10k on the wedding and am left with nothing if he goes.

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colditz · 01/04/2013 15:43

You've got nothing anyway, the money you spent on the wedding is gone.

NutherChange · 01/04/2013 15:44

You say that your H says your DD 'winds' him up, in what way does your H express this? Does he complain to you? get angry? or direct it at your DD?

npg1 · 01/04/2013 15:44

He also says I drink too much.i enjoy a glass of wine or two but not every night. He doesbt drink at all and doesnt see why I should. I work hard and have a busy life and thats my way of rekaxing plus had very stressful coupke weeks

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