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Mad short passionate affair and getting over it

(163 Posts)
Rufus20 Mon 01-Apr-13 13:16:00

Hi, first of all, I just want to get this off my chest, and so this may be longer than strictly necessary, and I recognise seeing the other threads on here, what a trivial problem I have. Secondly, I'm also a man, and not a parent, so this may not be the best forum for this, but I think I might get some good practical advice.

I met a woman last year and had a short relationship. It wasn't on holiday, but it was overseas with work. It was just incredibly intense, and within a short period of time, we both seemed to be head over heels in love. I was the most amazing man she'd ever met, and she said she had to pinch herself to check I was real. After we left, we said we'd give it a go and I would visit her, this time in her home country (we met in a neutral country, so to speak, where she works).

In the mean time, we skyped, and talked every day. Then she told me she had an ex. He was "depressed all the time", "there was no way it would ever work", her friends didn't like him, but I said I understood she needed to be gentle. I'd arranged to visit her, and on the way to the airport, she messaged me to tell me she still had feelings for her ex, but she still wanted me to come. I still visited her, but it was an awkward time. I was staying with her parents, I didn't speak the language. I left, and she wrote to tell me a few weeks later, she was getting back with her ex. I found out he'd flown to visit her a few weeks after I did. So, not unreasonably, I felt somewhere, she was lying to me.

I spent months thinking about her, but sure it wouldn't work out with her ex, and she messaged me a few times to tell me she wasn't happy, but then other times, she'd message me to tell me things were great.

All this was driving me a bit mad, so we went no contact. We got in touch a few times about work. I then met someone new, and although I'm taking it slowly, I have so much fun with her, she makes me feel good, I'm comfortable with her, she makes me laugh - there's no drama, which is a good thing, but perhaps the drama was part of the attraction with the ex.

My ex has now got in touch to tell me she has split with her ex. I say "sorry to hear that" (of course I'm not), and I'm seeing someone new. She then messages to tell me she has a fantastic new job (paying Xk more than before - why do I need to know this?).

I'm angry in a way that we didn't get a chance to see how things would work between us, and she's affected my self-esteem - I have to give her credit - she's smart, talented and ambitious, and as a result, is in a really good place in her career, more so than I am I'd say, although I'm also very fortunate to do what I do.

I do recognise she's no good for me (or those around her). Before her ex, she was married to her university professor for a short while. Being cynical, I could suggest it helped her immigration status at the time, and when she finished her studies and got a job, she left him (this could be unfair of me). Now she has a new job, she's left this other bloke. I suspect he is going to be distraught, and I feel sorry for him. I also don't know if he knows about me, and thought they were still together when I was with this woman.

So, this is been quite long, so thanks if you got to the end of this. In short, I don't want her back, I recognise she's no good for me, and I'm much happier with my new girlfriend, I need to get over my ex. Any advice would be gratefully received! Thanks

Rufus20 Tue 02-Apr-13 10:13:03

she definitely knows how to manipulate my feelings

GettingGoing Tue 02-Apr-13 20:17:08


Rufus20 Tue 02-Apr-13 20:26:58


why bump? What more is there to say, surely? This has been done to death and the OP has admitted he should move on and do the right thing by his new (lucky?) gf?.
Or is he needing more?

Rufus20 Tue 02-Apr-13 21:16:18

you're right, there's nothing really more to say.

nkf Tue 02-Apr-13 21:18:13

This is a situation where it is actually all about you. This is a very very short relationship that has thrown up all sorts of doubts and insecurities in you. Deal with them rather than angsting over her motivation. You may never know what was in it for her. And all this FB satus stuff - that's for teenagers. And even then it's a bit tragic.

Rufus20 Mon 08-Apr-13 13:36:38

I'm mainly replying to get this out - I had a lovely weekend with my new ex, and feel a lot better about my work, about my self - I wrote to my ex to say I don't think we can be friends, especially, while's she still with her ex

She replied to say she misses me, our intellectual connection, our conversation, she wants to ask me about her new job, she's scared, and if she goes she'll be alone. It stirs up a load of emotions again.

GettingGoing Mon 08-Apr-13 13:49:51

'I had a lovely weekend with my new ex' a bit of a Freudian slip there!

Rufus20 Mon 08-Apr-13 13:50:56

whoops, it is a bit - perhaps that's my pessimism shining through

GettingGoing Mon 08-Apr-13 13:57:14

What does she mean 'if she goes'? If she goes where? If she splits up with him?

Rufus20 Mon 08-Apr-13 13:59:50

She's been offered a new job 3000 miles from where she currently lives with her boyfriend (the ex). She's writing to me, asking me her opinion, telling me she's scared, that if she goes she'll "have to go into a whole new place and situation and start over alone" - to which I take she is yet again splitting up with her ex, and using me as an emotional crutch

GettingGoing Mon 08-Apr-13 14:07:24

So if you don't want to be used as an emotional crutch, don't be. Just repeat what you told her before.

I think if you wanted to get away from her, you would have blocked her e-mail address by now. So I'm assuming you are still pretty hung up on her. Is this somewhere you too could work? Is this what she is asking you, to go with her? Or is she telling you because you couldn't go to the new location but you can work where she is now?

Rufus20 Mon 08-Apr-13 14:17:54

I simply don't know - it's obvious I'm still hung up on her - and she gives me the impression that she definitely still has feelings for me - but she treated me badly. She told me she thinks about me a lot - but it doesn't make a lot of sense at all - she treated me badly, I don't trust her

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