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How do i handle this?

(4 Posts)
LucyBabs Sun 31-Mar-13 23:57:01

Long time lurker first time posting please go easy on me

I have been with my dp for 6 years we have two dc. Its never been a passionate relationship we have always clicked but more like best friends
I became pregnant quite early in our relationship and if I'm honest I think we stayed together because of our dd.
I have on many occasions doubted if I want to be with dp but he has had quite a troubled childhood dealing with rejection and loss
I suppose I've held on hoping that we can work but also because I can't bare to hurt him.
I do love him but as my children's dad.

After losing my parents recently I have questioned everything in my life
I am sick of living a lie pretending my relationship is good when its not.
I spoke with dp I was honest as possible and understandably he isn't a taking it well
He's angry I understand and has told me he needs a reason as to why I don't love him anymore
There isn't a reason, how the hell do I explain I don't fancy him, I don't see a future and it isn't fair on us or our kids to continue.
Any advice on how to handle this sensitively I cant be completely honest with dp it would destroy him

almostanotherday Mon 01-Apr-13 00:07:15

The only way you can do it is how you just did it on her, openly and honestly. Sorry if you were hoping to hear differently as I really don't think there is another way.

garlicbrunch Mon 01-Apr-13 02:54:30

I understand him wanting a 'reason' but the fact is, love isn't a reward and nobody has to justify not wanting to be in a relationship any more. It might just be easier to focus on how the deaths of your parents have made you re-evaluate everything and need to "find yourself". I'm really sorry for both of you. You must have been having a terrible time lately, Lucy, I do hope you get the space and peace you need.

Here's some advice which I realised for myself a few weeks ago. It's utterly simple but was like a Damascene moment for me...

You Do Not Need Your Partner's Agreement For Your Decisions.

If it is something he doesn't want to hear, you're as likely as never to get him to agree to it and to back you up / make the right noises / make you think you've called it correctly. And sometimes it is impossible to state that 'it is because of x/y/z that I wish to end the relationship'
(and soemtimes, you know, I think it's possibly kinder NOT to give the true reasons, or at least not 100% of them! iyswim)

If you are truly sure that you wish to end the relationship and think that you and your children are better off like that, then strike out and do what you wish to.

Mentally and in terms of processing it,, you are probably MONTHS ahead of him. He is playing catch up. Don't beat him up for it, allow him to work it through and probably be angry/upset/push you for reasons. All you can do is be honest and as fair / kind as you can and stick to your guns.

I too have recently come to major decisions about my marriage. One of the main things I realised was that my husband - a wonderful man - wouldn't agree with my decisions. That was sad, but it was how it had to be. You need to be clear about what you want - and then press ahead with it. Very best of luck.

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