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He's lied to me. Now what.

(6 Posts)
Iwouldratherbemuckingout Sun 31-Mar-13 23:20:36

Not a regular poster but a regular lurker and need to get this straight in my head.

DP and I been having problems last 18 months or so, after one evening when he treated me particularly shittily that was it, I was off. However we went to relate instead - it was very hard but I surprised myself by falling back in love with him.

He works away in the week, no evidence of any playing away, but my gut has always wondered.

Was in a bit of emotional state last night (not DP related) he had gone to bed and left me to it and left his phone.

I know it was wrong to look at his messages, very wrong indeed.

But texts at 1am in the morning to a woman just saying "Night. X". Reply from her the morning after just "morning X". These texts are 2 months old. I want to say nothing incriminating could be very innocent but I cannot think why you would text a goodnight and a kiss to anyone other than someone you are involved in. He doesn't put xs on his texts to me unless he is feeling particularly loving!

There were also texts to another woman making arrangements for lunch in a certain pub and him thanking her for making time for him to talk, followed by her thanking him for lunch.There is no mistaking the pub in the texts, it has a very unusual name. This has never been mentioned at all.

In a conversation with DP earlier, he very very clearly said he has never been to this pub, ever. Liar.

I am totally bewildered now. I don't know how to raise it, as I shouldn't have been snooping, that was very wrong. And I expect to be flamed for it. But how can I leave 1am good night texts? WTF is going on?

Half of me wants to just bugger off (thought of losing my DSCs v painful), half of me wants just to stick my fingers in my ears and pretend it never happened and another half wants to just say and who is (insert text lady's name).

Sorry for the ramble. Am just totally bewildered.

CajaDeLaMemoria Sun 31-Mar-13 23:26:20

Just ask him who she is.

If his first question is how you found out, you have much bigger problems than snooping. He should open up and talk to you, and explain the texts and the lying. Although there may not be an explanation for outright lying...

You have to broach it with him. You won't be able to be happy, or trust him, until you do. You also won't be able to make a decision on the future.

How you know isn't important. That you do is. So ask him, and then say nothing. Don't let on how much you know. Don't speak to fill silent moments. He'll talk, and hopefully be honest, and you can see where to go from here.

Iwouldratherbemuckingout Mon 01-Apr-13 08:07:10

Thank you, you're right.

ImperialBlether Mon 01-Apr-13 12:39:58

If they arranged to go to that pub and she thanked him for the lunch, then clearly they had lunch there.

If he's texting someone morning and night with just a "morning x" etc then it's an established relationship, in my experience.

My ex husband was actually seeing two women from work. I saw emails to/from each of them and found it hard to work out why they had different names.

If your gut has always wondered about an affair, then you should take note. I think our bodies pick up something is wrong even if our mind is deliberately blocking it out. Personally, my instincts made me think of him as the enemy, IYSWIM, in that I didn't want to be close to him, even though there was nothing noticeable that had changed. Listen to your instincts.

You now have evidence (the morning and night texts) that something is going on. What do you want to do now?

ImperialBlether Mon 01-Apr-13 12:41:26

By the way, when you say you were off when he treated you badly, how did you feel then? Relief? Regret?

What did he do? Did he put you down? I think that is common if a man is seeing another woman - he compares the two and given he only sees the OW on her best behaviour, his wife (in his opinion) looks bad in comparison.

janelikesjam Mon 01-Apr-13 12:46:31

Agree with Imperial Blether, our bodies pick up something. Possibly thats why you looked in the first place ... ?

How you approach it, what to do, its your call. Perhaps go somewhere for lunch (neutral) and bring it up in an adult, honest and concerned way? See how he responds (not just the words he uses, but the body language e.g. does he squirm or get emotional, the attitude e.g. does he care?

Imperial Blether's instincts made her see him as the enemy. But if you have only recently fallen back in love with him, how do you feel?

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