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Numb with pain. What is wrong with him?

(24 Posts)
Ginga66 Sun 31-Mar-13 23:06:13

Long story short: my dh and I have two ds one four tmrw and one nearly ten months.
We have a chequered history of arguing. Basically he walks away and I rant. However since going to relate I have stopped and only talk quietly about my displeasure. He hasn't changed at all.
He has a weird habit of when we are getting along fine finding something to blow out of all proportion and pick a row though.
He grew up in an emotionally stunted environment. His mother is in denial about he feelings and his father seems on the autistic spectrum.
I grew up in a dysfunctional family too but the other way!my parents expressed their negative emotions all too readily.
At an rate we have all been sick but of course mugging he gets all the night duty while he has the man flu. I have always done the nights. He says he's incapable. I am cross eyed with exhaustion.
This evening his mother and sister were visiting and dh and I were supposed to go to a film. I always arrange nights out. He does not really ever make an effort with cards, flowers, dinner, anything. He puts a lot of energy into the children and house but not into our relationship which has been the case for years now.
So I was pushing for this night out and he seems reluctant. He goes out regularly to see a film with a mutual friend and has an arrangement on Tuesday.
Ds1 did not want us to go in the end anyway so I said to dh well you can cancel tuesday and we can go out instead.
He said no he and friend wanted to see this film, last showing etec etc.
I accused him of not bothering to make an effort with our relationship and just dismissed him, saying go talk to your mum and sister who were all ears in the other room.
And then he just left! For two hours. Leaving me with the children and explaining to the inlaws.
It aa embarrassing, it looks to them as if he does not care. He did not bother to tell me ahe head gone, he texted his sister though.
When he eventually returned he claimed that I was arguing in front of ds1 so he left to avoid it.
I know this is emotional abuse. I know he is trying to control me and stop me expressing any disappointment, displeasure, mild anger. He often gets angry, swears, bangs things etc. am not allowed. I get told I needd anger management.
He cannot see that leaving the house suddenly is disruptive and unhealthy and da1 was confused as to why he had gone.
Is he autistic maybe! Or is he just a selfish controlling man who does not really care about me.
It is da1 birthday tomorrow so I am not going to discuss it.
He also said did I want him to leave! Which to me smacks of someone who wants to leave.
He is not having an affair, he only works part time and I know where he is. He goes to Kung fu once a week and tai chi but I've seen emails etc so I know that's no made up.
I feel so hurt and humiliat and lonely and unloved. I think he must rally not want to be with me if he is incapable of affection. Years ago before we were even engaged I remember telling him he had no emotion. He won't ge help, he doesn't think he has a problem. I'm worried his weird behaviour will be damaging for the children. He is also somewhat paranoid, cannot handle conflict, is rude in his bluntness, socially a bit inept and avoids situations and people rather than face them. He is quite emotionally cowardly while putting on this big macho physical front.
Have I married someone with big big problems? What should I do?

MintChocCh1p Sun 31-Mar-13 23:09:40

What should you do?

Maybe accept that your relationship is over and you don't enjoy being married to him? I don't know about EA or whatever but it's obvious that he doesn't care about your marriage and has little respect for you.

So, it's your call and decision isn't it? you either stick around for another decade of this or you put plans into place to split and enjoy a better future.

Bogeyface Sun 31-Mar-13 23:14:07

it looks to them as if he does not care

It looks that way to me too.

It seems that he is only happy if you keep your mouth shut and do what he wants, if you dont then you are wrong, need help, etc etc.

What you should do is accept that he is unlikely to change, and base your decisions about your future on that. Personally I couldnt live like that for the rest of my life.

thewhistler Sun 31-Mar-13 23:24:50

Ginga, going to pm you.

But have you thought about whether he too is in the spectrum, like his DF?

Ginga66 Sun 31-Mar-13 23:59:08

What's pm? Yes I have thought h is on the spectrum and this might be wh I haven't thrown the towel in bogey face and mint. Have worried that thi migh be the case for a long time. He's affectionate with th kids but seems unable to be very demonstrative with me. H doesn't do eye contact,rarely cuddles, never says he loves me and appears to have littl empathy. He is very intelligent and good at tasks too. I hav called him autistic in arguments and it didn't go down well. I'm not sure what to do next. I wouldn't leave him if he genuinely coukd bot see th error of his ways. If he is knowingly mistreating me that's different I suppose. I d love him nor lushly and m ver upset by his behaviour.

Ginga66 Mon 01-Apr-13 00:00:08

Sorry about typos, stupid iPad and I'm so tired bu too sad to sleep.

Spiritedwolf Mon 01-Apr-13 00:25:28

Whether he's knowingly mistreating you or unknowingly mistreating you, he's still mistreating you isn't he?

You realisedthe way you handled conflict was unproductive and influenced by your parents bad example and you cared enough to change. He hasn't done the same off his own back - even when you've explained the detrimental affect on your relationship.

Maybe there is a developmental reason why he can't overcome the emotionless environment he grew up in. maybe not. Neither of you will know unless he is prepared to seek help - be that counselling or diagnosis and professional support. If he wants to try and improve things he needs to speak to his gp.

If he refuses to seek help then whatever the cause of his behaviour you need to decide whether you and your children can or should live with it.

Bogeyface Mon 01-Apr-13 00:34:36

I hav called him autistic in arguments and it didn't go down well

Well to be fair, it wouldnt go down well in an argument! Have you tried discussing it with him when things are calm or does he walk away then too? It could be that he is on the spectrum or it could be that he isnt but learned this behaviour from his father. Without seeing a specialist you wont know for sure, do you think he would go?

In all honesty, he IS deliberately mistreating you. He knows that what he does and says is hurtful and does it anyway. A partner or child doing something that he doesnt understand could be hurtful is what partners and parents of those with Autism have to deal with and thats a normal part of the disorder. It not nice but it is just how it is.

However, he knows what he is doing as he doesnt treat his family friends or your children in this way. So he is CHOOSING to treat you like this. That is deliberate and something that I very much doubt will change.

He wont arrange things with you, but will arrange them with his friend.
He avoided his mum and sister asking him awkward questions because he knew he was in the wrong.
He didnt let you know where he was to punish you, but let his sister know so she and his mum wouldnt worry.
Will see you crazed with tiredness and do nothing to help you, claiming he is doing it all
Tried to make him leaving into your fault
Refuses to engage or communicate when you are saying something he doesnt like.

This is not a man with ASD but SAD, Selfish Arsehole Disorder.

Bogeyface Mon 01-Apr-13 00:37:32

I should add that I am not saying he doesnt have an ASD but that you should use that to excuse what it clearly deliberate behaviour. Someone can be on the spectrum and abusive, being one doesnt mean you can't be the other.

Leavenheath Mon 01-Apr-13 03:57:22

Only an occasional user but even I recognised your user name. Then I checked and reminded myself that this has been going on for four years or at least that's how long you've been posting about this terrible relationship.

He's emotionally abusive. He went off sex with you as soon as you became a mother.

Everyone on every thread advises you to get out, but you don't.

It will be no different this time <<shrugs>>

thewhistler Mon 01-Apr-13 11:18:29

Pm is private message.

But he is treating you different from others, so there is at least some sad in it, I completely agree.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 01-Apr-13 12:03:07

I would start thinking of ending the relationship - and I certainly wouldn't be giving his behaviour the excuse of any 'labels'. There's no excuse whatsoever for it and I think you'd be far happier without this selfish partner. You say he's good with the children well, that's fine, he can carry on being a good parent. He will always have a relationship with them, there's no need for you to have one with him.

Ginga66 Tue 02-Apr-13 23:37:49

Well I confronted him today. He freaked out about the autism label and took an online test to prove me wrong. Says he is going to ask his gp on Thursday. He is continuing in same passive aggressive sarcastic defensive vein. I keep trying to de escalate things and talk calmly but he won't. He is fixated on his feelings, he went out to a film and left me crying. I still love him. I don't want him to go. I want him to change. To be culpable. To see his part. He thinks I am aggressive and controlling. I used to have anger issues but I have worked hard on them and we are both controlling. It's so easy for everyone to say end it! Surely there must be people who have altered it or couples outselling and books on living with these men wouldn't exist. And it's easy to b judgemental if you have left. I'm looking for support not to be lectured, I get enough of that at home. I had better change my user name bcos some of the replies are quite passive aggressive I'm not impressed.

badinage Wed 03-Apr-13 01:35:57

Changing your username wouldn't alter people's advice. This is an abusive relationship and like a lot of them become in the end, there's probably abuse on both sides.

No-one with any sanity would give you advice on 'how to make him feel culpable' which seems to be what you want tonight. Nor can they support any inertia on your part by encouraging a diagnosis of autism, rather than a more straightforward case of selfish knobitis with secondary onset of madonna/whoreism

This is a bloke who criticises your weight when you 'dress up' in sexy underwear; who tells you that your breath smells when you kiss him. Who indulges his hobbies and cinema habit several times a week while you look after the kids but who according to you doesn't have time to be messing around elsewhere.

You can change your name but you can't alter the facts, or control the sensible advice posters will give you. If you carry on this way though and if it's true you've been posting threads like this for years, you'll just get a few new generations of posters telling you the same thing over the next four years and the four after that.

No-one's being passive-aggressive with you. They are being straight. It's just not what you want to hear though.

thewhistler Wed 03-Apr-13 08:17:45

One of the things that a dx does or a recognition of the condition does is it diminishes blame and culpability. You wouldn't blame someone with a dodgy leg for limping, would you?

But what it can, not will, increase is mutual understanding and responsibility. So if he is As he needs to understand that you are not and have needs, just as you need to understand that there are things that you can cope with that send him demented.

But you still need to distinguish between arseish behaviour and AS.

I do recommend you read my PM.

Bogeyface Wed 03-Apr-13 13:08:05

What you want is not going to happen. After 4 years and countless chances he has not changed, he has not accepted any blame and he is not going to start now.

You wanting it is not going to make it happen.

So, you either need to accept that this is your life and it is never going to change, or you leave and change it for yourself.

Getting snotty with posters because they are not telling you what you want to hear is not going to change a thing.

MintChocCh1p Wed 03-Apr-13 13:17:21

How do you want posters to help you

cjel Wed 03-Apr-13 20:12:02

Am I the only one to think perhaps hes right and she is aggressive argues in front of Dcs and ea him? Perhaps the only way to stop her aggression is to leave, OP says she had anger issues - maybe they are not as resolved as she thinks, Hes great with work house kids family friends just not OP??

Ginga66 Wed 03-Apr-13 21:41:57

Ok well thanks everyone I have a lot to think about. Chelsea yes I do have anger issues but they really are much much better. Dh is not good with a lot of family just some he tolerates. Both my brothers off list one understandably other questionably as in he's tried to apologise but dh won't have it.
Dh threw phone across room today as I askd him to stop texting and help me.
Badinage yes u r prob right. U see like a lot of women with small dcs who still love partner I don want him to leav or to leave him. Bu yes four years of ups and downs has now totall wiped me out.
If we didn't have kids I don't think we ld stillbe together or I wld have been more strong and demanded change. As I is I ambarl getting through each day so tired.

cjel Wed 03-Apr-13 22:34:23

Perhaps you could have asked him to help when he'd finished his text, not stop texting?

CoolCadbury Wed 03-Apr-13 23:23:44

OP, you sound exhausted.

Perhaps it's worth posting on the support thread for those in EA relationships? I think perhaps that you may get more support there.

Also, he could be have ASD but be also EA? Is that possible? I have read somewhere that people with aspergers need to leave a tense situation by actually physically leaving.

It sounds as though he doesn't know how to manage his anger - perhaps because of his upbringing? Would he agree to go on an anger management course (even if he thinks you need to go on one) because throwing phones, slamming doors and banging pots and pans is pretty indicative of someone who can't deal with their anger.

deliasmithy Thu 04-Apr-13 00:01:21

I know some couples who had some of the issues you describe and they were able to work on it.

But the concern is that you went to relate and he has not taken any of it on board. If hes not open to change things will stay the same or get worse.

Does he agree he hasnt tried to meet you in the middle and that you have?

What does he think he learned from the counselling?

There is unfortunately an element of it sounding like he wants you to give him the boot, dobt know why though.

deliasmithy Thu 04-Apr-13 00:03:52

Leaving a situation in itself isnt a bad thing, the way he's doing it is.
He should tell u hes leaving to get some air, say where he's going and when he's coming back . That would be reasonable.
Disappearing is not.

Blu Thu 04-Apr-13 09:05:12

If he doesn't think he has a problem, does not want to change , has not responded constructively to counselling and has not appreciated your efforts to do so, then there is little you can do to make him be the partner you would like him to be. I am not surprised you are exhausted if you are battling an Unwinnable battle.

Are you afraid to let go of your marriage because you are chasing your dream version of it?

The reality gives you nothing. In fact if he is really undermining you and putting you down he is sapping your strength, energy and self esteem and you will become ever more weakened and less able to leave.

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