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Had an argument with dh.. started over something stupid, I feel bad but I thought I had a point... uh oh..(12 Posts)
the dcs (4 and 7) have had 3 parties since they finished school on Thurs!And they have another tomorrow which they are both invited to, early start at 9.
Usually I would get bank hols off but I have to go into work. I was hoping to go in about 7 and be home about 1 so I wasn't spending all day at work.
However, party at 9 has scuppered that so I was planning to take dcs, drop them straight home and go to work, but then I wouldn't be home until about 5.
I had mentioned this to dh, then this eve we were just talking and I was saying to dh 'You realise I'll be at work all afternoon if I go in after the party?' then I asked dh 'You don't fancy going do you?' and dh started laughing and said 'No thanks, I'll have stuff to do here (at home)'. There's nothing to 'do' in particular other than usual washing and ironing that everyone has! Some friends had called round and while I was putting dcs to bed I suspect (although I could be wrong) one has aid to dh that they think he should take the dcs to the party.
So after dcs are in bed I came back down and dh said 'Look, I'll take them, I didn't realise you were dropping such big hints, I didn't realise you were that bothered about going'
Ok, problem solved... but... dh is easily wound up by the dcs (who are nice dcs, they just know dh has never been strict or shown consistent discipline with them so they can play him like a merry fiddle) and if he is ever looking after them when I get back he has to tell me how badly behaved they are and how brattish they are. They're not that bad, dd can be a moody madam but nothing that a telling off and no attention won't sort out..
So i saidto dh while its a faff taking them then going to work, I 'd rather do that than dh take them as when I first asked it was obvious that he didn't want to take them, and usual pattern is that if he does take them out he'll decide as soon as they don't listen to him asking them to do something taht they are a nightmare and soooo badly behaved and then either ring me to complain and tell me this or offload it and tell me as soon as i get home
reading this it sounds totally pointless and daft, but there is real bone of contention that dh doesn't do much with them and if he does I 'm expecting him getting back and telling me how terriible they are (and it rare he takes them out by himself, its usually if he watches them when i go out) and I hate it... we are not talking about 2 horrendous dc, but two chatty, polite giddy children that use their manners etc etc but might whine if you tell them they can't have an icecream at the park or complain if you go for a walk andthey don't want to, thereare no major behaviouyr issues
So dh has now storme doff to bed saying Isay he can't take them out because I think he's a rubbish dad. I don't think that,but I do think he needs to stop complaining so much because its wearing me down, if I get some time out from dcs its at the back of my mind if dh will be whining when i get home.
Fed up because I'm either going to have a long day zipping round or dh will step in buut its likelyhe'll be moaning his head off.
Just let him take them . Ignore any passive aggressive shit on your return. Have a lovely afternoon together.
Let him take them and stop worrying - so he might moan, so what? Ignore ignore ignore, tell him yes, that's generally how children are when he starts whingeing, and enjoy your early finish tomorrow.
No wonder he can't handle them if you step in every time to tell him he's going to do it wrong before it's actually happened...
What Sizzle said he won't improve if you give him opportunities.
No numberlock, i don't tell him he's going to do it wrong everytime. The only occassions hes come back without moaning and complaining is taking them for stuff liek a drive through burger because that means staying sat in car seats, not having to watch them and keep an eye on them because they are sat dwonfastened in the car.
He can look after them, he just doesn't want to take the time and energy to have to watch them and spend energy - hehates goinmg to the park because he doesn't like havimng to keep track on them running round if its busy, if hes at home he puts s filmon while he plays with the computer - he basically finds the interaction too time consuming.
No way has dh ever just got up on a morning andtaken them out by himslef,say to the park, to the see friends etc ... he can do the carwash, because hey ho, they're say in the car.Only time he took them out by himselfd was to go to his mums house so his mum would play with them, while they watched films.
I just find it draining that if he take sthem it will be a running moan or rant that something he hasn't been comfotable with or happy about ortoo demanding on his time or energy soI will be told howbrattish and rude and really badly behaved the dcsare when theybloody well aren't, its dh who althiough loves them loads, just tells me hes just tired so much and they wind him up. It is draining me.
It's tricky and I sympathise but just let him get on with it. At a basic level, you wanted him to take them, he offered, then you got shirty about how he would be with them and with you. You were sounding like a bit of a martyr about having to take them but then when given the offer that he would take them that didn't make you happy either.
I totally understand your concerns because my dh can talk about ds as though he is a nightmare when he isn't. However, the more often I leave them alone to get on with stuff, the better it gets. You need to take a deep breath and let go a little.
You also need to accept that your dh may have different standards of behaviour than you do but that you both have to come up with vaguely consistent parenting rules.
It sounds like he needs more practice. I think it was really rotten of you to ask him then when he offers you basically say that he won't do it properly and then do nothing but moan. Can you imagine how you would feel if the situation were reversed?
I think you need to apologise.
If he phones you at work to moan tell him you're busy because you're at work. If he starts whining at home tell him he sounds like a 5 year old himself.
Once he gets used to taking them out, he might actually start enjoying it. But that will never happen if he never has to do it.
The problem is your giving a toss about him moaning. Everything flows from that.
Let him take them out. Get him to tke them out. Get him to practice often. Ignore him moaning. Or if he moans agree with him and say 'god yes, this parenting thing is fucking hard. But it's not like we can give them back. Ignoring them until they are 18 gets social services all snippy so I guess we just have to figure it out. Would you like a cup of tea?'
You are unintentionally becoming a bit of a martyr. You are ending up on the wrong side of this no matter what you do.
Let him take thm. Let him moan.
He needs more practice at having them. And you need to let his complaints wash over you. Does he have to stay at the party? Can't he just drop and collect?
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