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What do you do...

(3 Posts)
macdoodle Sun 31-Mar-13 21:49:35

when you realise your one true, passionate, love was a narcissistic abuser?
My previous trials with my XH are documented a few years ago on here, I won't rehash them all.
But he was the love of my life since the age of 24 (I am now almost 42).
I have finally separated myself physically, emotionally and financially from him, and can honestly say that he has very little affect on me. Other than contact with our 2 DD's (11 and 5). I was so taken up by anger and bitterness and extricating myself that I think only now am I able to stop and think.
I have had one relationship since which didn't work, and have recently started seeing a man who I am keeping my distance from.
I can see now that I did indeed love my XH, we had a very turbulent passionate relationship, true of all abusers, and I can see now he was controlling and abusive from the start. But I can't just turn off how I felt about him.
Not really sure what I am asking or saying, but wondering how you wise ladies who have been there, have really moved on. I guess I still want that "flowers and songs" and falling in love, and passionate feeling, but am so burned by my XH I can't imagine ever letting anyone so close again.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 31-Mar-13 22:38:12

Well, I haven't been exactly where you are (my ex wasn't narcissistic or abusive) but I recognise your feeling of your life not having turned out the way you'd hoped - you're not with the father of your children, he wasn't the man you thought he was when you married him, and here you are at 42, wondering where the heck the years went. You can't rewrite the past, and not feel at 24 what you felt at 24, as it were - but you can put it behind you. How long ago did you start to view your past relationship differently?

I too have had one or two relationships that eventually didn't work out in my 18 years of singledom (since marriage ended). The positives are that you have learned a lot about yourself and fellow humanity, which hopefully puts you in a better position to recognise a good 'un when he comes along. It's OK to keep your distance from suitors if you don't really 'feel it' for them - I found that the longer I spend single, the harder it is to imagine being close to a man, but when you 'click' with someone that somehow gets swept away! IME, love opportunities come along less often the older you get, so being 'ok to be single' is important too as you may have no choice in the matter.

Not sure if that helps! smile

EllaFitzgerald Sun 31-Mar-13 23:09:22

It will help to stop thinking that he is or was the love of your life. You're only 41, you don't know what the future holds or who it will bring.

For me, it helped to read 'Women Who Love Too Much'. I'm not a big reader of self help books, but read it at the request of a friend and recognised a lot of myself in it. I realised that the butterflies I felt was not passion and excitement, but nerves and anxiety.

You will find the opportunity to love again, but don't reject it just because you aren't feeling thunderbolts immediately. Take things slowly and let things grow naturally.

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