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What do I do with this new info? Gutted and angry.

(109 Posts)
whatafuckingmess Sun 31-Mar-13 20:10:55

I have nchanged as my other profile has so much info on it would out with me with this as well. I have other threads in the past, so you may recognise some details but please don't out me.

My parents fostered all my life and I was sexually abused by a foster brother for several years. I asked my mum for him to leave when I was 15 (she knew what was happening but not the full extent) but was told by her that she had never had a fostering placement fail and was not about to start now. I took myself off to boarding school, and we have had a difficult relationship ever since as I struggle to come to terms with what happened and how she acted, even now as an adult.

When I became pregnant I was on my own throughout, and she was a tower of strength and support. Our relationship has always been like this - episodes of closeness then something will happen, and we both find it hard to even be near each other. I moved back into her home when my ds was 3 weeks old, and I am still here - although I have a move date to my new home at the end of april

Tonight she gave me her old phone as mine is broken, and I synced it with my sim and computer. It has somehow combined our calenders - and moved her calender entries into mine (I honestly have no idea what the hell I have done to manage this)

The first entry was "Whatafuckingmess is on my mind as usual, her poor ds will suffer the brunt of her his whole life"

I have then I fully admit looked at other entries on the calender (it's not a diary, its more like at 1pm such and such happened thing).

It would seem that the only comments she makes are about me, and are all negative and horribly hurtful about how badly I care for my ds, she has said she thinks I am mentally deranged, my son is suffering by being with me, that I am "my usual mean, deluded self" and that I think I am in control but am not and god help us all. There is more of the same, but you get the gist.

My little boy is my life, I am gutted. She is downstairs now with visiting family and I am hiding in my room like a bloody 12 year old. Where do I go from here? What the hell do I do?

ChippingInIsEggceptional Sun 31-Mar-13 22:22:51

Oh love, if my spare room wasn't currently occupied I'd come and get you and your DS now sad

She's your Mum so I'm trying to be gentle with how I say this - but it's not going to be easy to hear anyway. She chose to ignore that you, her own daughter, was being sexually abused so she didn't lose face. She should not be fostering AT ALL, let alone others that have been sexually abused. Her behaviour isn't healthy. Really, you should speak to social services about her.

Please consider asking your friend if you can stay with her - it's only a month.

Do you have anyone else you trust, that you could ask and get an honest opinion from, their view on how you are with your DS?

I'm afraid she's angling to get your DS too sad She would drop the other fostered kids if she had to, to get your DS wouldn't she?

I'm sorry you lost your Dad at such a young age too sad

CheckpointCharlie Sun 31-Mar-13 22:25:50

Ok. The fact that she knew you were being raped and didn't do anything about it how's that she is failing as a mother here. You are not.

Honestly from what you've said so far, she sounds fucking hideous. You have your own little son who you fiercely love and feel protective over. She wants you and him to stay in a house where children are not allowed to be. She has questionable motives and you are not mad or the problem.

RoomForASmallOne Sun 31-Mar-13 22:28:49

Just adding support OP.

Neither you or your DS need her in your life though I understand how tangled it all is.

You will cope, you will.
Look at how you are coping now (and have in the past)
You are capable of much more than you give yourself credit for smile

You get to choose how you and your child live and how you rear him.
Your new place will be lovely...a haven for you both.

And you don't have to share that with anyone OP.
You can keep it just for you and DS, and only those who care for you.

Snazzynewyear Sun 31-Mar-13 22:30:09

Honestly, you are hardly alone in having flown off the handle at your mum or cried for no reason. For most of us that is pretty common teenage / young person experience. But because you have been made to feel that when bad stuff happens, it must somehow be your fault, even that seems like it's you doing something terrible again.

If you want to make a good life for yourself and your little boy, I think you are on the right track. Believe in yourself.

CheckpointCharlie Sun 31-Mar-13 22:31:22

YY what snazzy said. Believe in yourself.

RoomForASmallOne Sun 31-Mar-13 22:32:43


You are so not the problem sad

Your life being 'messy' up until you had your DS is no surprise, you poor thing.

Your mother condoned you being abused to save face.

She sounds dangerous tbh.
It is hideous she chose to treat you that way.

ohtobecleo Sun 31-Mar-13 22:38:12

She is not qualified to judge your parenting skills, and undermining your self confidence is what skilled emotional abusers do.

Stay focused on the end goal of getting out. Your therapist will be back in no time and you can talk to her to get the perspective you need.

In the meantime, keep talking here because there's lots of experience on MN.

cheeseandpineapple Sun 31-Mar-13 22:39:04

Agree with Imperial and others. She sounds fucked up.

Focus on your son, continue to be the best mum you can be for him and don't let her hold you back from that being your focus.

Your eyes have been opened today, that's a good thing, turn your tears and anger into positive energy for your son and go with your instinct, not your doubts.

She's the problem and when you're free of her you'll feel a lot better imo.

whatafuckingmess Sun 31-Mar-13 22:44:00

I just wanted to say I haven't disappeared, ds really playing up.... bloody teeth!

Thank you all for your replies, I'm going to lie down on his floor now to settle him so will reply properly tomorrow.

I'm really grateful, beyond grateful, for your help and time. There is so much for me to think about, my head is a bit battered but I will be back tomorrow (as a zombie given ds not sleeping it would seem)

Thank you again x

ImperialBlether Sun 31-Mar-13 22:49:55

Having read your most recent posts about the boys she's fostering, I'm absolutely staggered that she would encourage you to stay living with her. Is she absolutely mad?

She really does have grandiose pretensions. She thinks she can manage two boys who've suffered awful abuse and who are at risk of abusing others. She thinks she managed the boy who lived there when you were a child, too, didn't she? Don't you realise what Social Services would say if they heard you were abused by a child in their care? Don't you realise the legal case they would have to answer? Do they know you're living there now? I would be amazed to hear that they thought that was alright.

Mumsyblouse Sun 31-Mar-13 22:59:37

I also wanted to add to the chorus that this is simply not about you and your failings as a mother (as you sound very protective and sensible, so what if you cry and feel down, or do a runner if put in a very difficult situation, you have pulled it together to move near a good friend with your little one, so well done for that). Your mum is seriously not able to protect you and you are doing the right thing by removing yourself, taking on sexually abused children who abuse others when she KNOWS you yourself were abused in her own home by another child is just unbelievable and very dangerous.

Please remove yourself from this household as soon as possible, your instinct is to flee it and you are completely right. Don't worry if you have natural emotions, or shout, so what? You will be fine on your own, indeed I think it will be the making of you to start parenting without your mum around- you do not need her to do this, indeed you need to be away from her and her very malign influence.

Nothing you have said about the way you have behaved justifies putting you and your son at risk, sorry, she is in the wrong.

Spiritedwolf Sun 31-Mar-13 23:21:09

She reckons she knows better than professional social workers that she can protect other children from children damaged by sexual abuse who are a danger to others? Well you know better. It didn't work out very well last time, did it? And you paid the consequences and she didn't protect you even after she knew because she cared more about her reputation?

I wonder if you ever were able to tell social workers that work with your mother what happened to you. I think her suitability as a foster carer, especially in cases affected by sexual abuse, would be put into question. Its a huge child protection issue. Placements break down for many reasons which are nobody's fault, its just circumstances. I would worry about what other things she's covered up to hold together unsuitable placements.

I see why you struggle against the things you know about her that don't fit with her 'perfect mum' persona that she tries to convince everyone that she is, particuarly through fostering.

Whenever you doubt your mothering skills (and if you were really an awful mother then you probably wouldn't be striving to be the best mother you can be and trying to improve yourself through therapy) please remember that you have already improved upon her parenting in at least one major way:

Your mother knew you were being sexually abused and covered it up to protect her reputation. Even if she was uncertain if your allegations were 100% true ( sad ) she should have reported it to her social worker, and they should have ended the placement as precaution and investigated it. She failed you as your mother and she failed professionally in terms of child protection.

You identified a potential risk of sexual abuse to your baby. You raised your concerns, had the risk evaluated and are now leaving your home in order to protect him. He hasn't been abused. He hasn't come to you and said that he has been abused. You had less to go on than your mum and you reacted with a wonderful, normal mothering instinct to protect him from harm.

Hold onto that difference between you whenever you doubt yourself as a mum. Your work in therapy, and by using self-help parenting books/courses/threads on MN to identify normal parenting (in case you haven't been shown a good example) will add to your already excellent mothering instincts, and reassure you overtime that the 'perfect parent' your mum pretends to be doesn't exist, but that you are a great parent who cares about your son's feelings and development as well as his safety, and that is more than good enough to not 'mess him up'.

Take care, be kind to yourself, and try to build up connections with other mums through groups. This will have a dual purpose of building up friendships so you don't feel so isolated from others and dependant on your mum/any future partner and also keeping your expectations of being a parent grounded in reality. No one is perfect. But you'll probably surprise yourself with how good you are when you aren't comparing yourself to your mum's double standards.

Bogeyface Sun 31-Mar-13 23:23:24

She doesnt want to discuss anything with you because she knows that all you say is true and she simply cant face that fact. And taking in sexually abusive placements and being "successful" with them proves (to her) that the problem with the other placement was you not her or the foster son.

I am not in a habit of saying this but I would seriously consider cutting her off.

Oh and she is not "nice" sometimes either, she is smiling because you are behaving in the way she wants you to, the second you step out of line she becomes the REAL her, the her that doesnt care two fucks about how you feel as long as she is happy.

sweetiepie1979 Sun 31-Mar-13 23:29:18

Everyone else is wording what I'd try to say to you. In sorry this has happened. Dry your eyes now pick up your beautiful baby and know that you are a wonderful mummy and she is jealous and there is nothing you can do for her, this is her issues to sort through not yours. You have this beautiful baby now who is the most important person in the world. Think on that, live on that and you will believe in yourself and realise you are doing a great job. You've been through enough, life is not supposed to be this hard. Love yourself and your baby and you will get through. Night night xxx

ATouchOfStuffing Sun 31-Mar-13 23:32:28

It sounds to me as though your previous behaviour is a direct result of you trying to protect yourself in various ways. Don't forget we all have bad days and teen outbursts in our youth. Add to this it would seem that you haven't figured out how to deal with her yet (no mean feat by the sounds of it!) I imagine you have been trying everything to see what will work.

You sound like a very thoughtful mum, ironically unlike her. You will be amazed at how strong you are - see what you have dealt with already? - and how much you will be able to do alone. If you aren't ready to cut contact then just try to minimize visits to when suits you, don't let her control them. You have your own life and she is not the mother now, you are.
Good luck, and I hope you got some sleep smile

cantreachmytoes Sun 31-Mar-13 23:33:36

Hey Whata, you know what? All mothers make mistakes, nobody is perfect all the time (apart from narcs..wink). It takes a lot of courage to get help when you need it and you are having therapy to address your issues: THIS a) makes you the polar opposite to your mother and b) gives you a good chance of being an even more wonderful mother than you already sound like you are.

You mentioned things like crying for no reason, shouting etc (sorry, on phone so can't quote) as negative things. While they might be confusing, please don't downplay what happened to you early in your life: a great betrayal by your primary caregiver and role model. I am no expert on these things and have not been in the same situation, but know from my own life that terrible things that happen to us as we are growing up, be it 5 or 15 years old, have a way of expressing themselves in odd ways because we couldn't fully process them at the time and/or weren't in a situation where we had control over much.

You have been through a lot, you are working to deal with it and in the meantime you ARE being a good mother (I am certain I've read another of your posts).

Your mother may have been/may be nice to you most of the time, even all the time, but that can in NO WAY erase what she did before. It's sad, but it's what has happened and SHE is to blame, as is the brother, but absolutely not you.

She is not the only family you have: you have a wonderful little boy and it's your job to make sure he's happy and healthy. He comes first. I know from experience that thinking that way is not easy, but it can be liberating!

I don't know what she's up to with the calendar entries, but they're vile. I can't imagine how devastating they were to find, but please remember that you are doing great things for yourself and your DS's future and do not need validation, ESPECIALLY on your mothering skills, from this woman. You ALREADY ARE a good mother. grin

I hope you get some sleep tonight!

chubbleigh Sun 31-Mar-13 23:35:21

I can tell you (because I know) moving into your own place is going to be so good for you, you can make a calm and peaceful home, your fortress, and only let in the people and things that do you good and make you happy. You can focus on all the positive things, and give your boy the love and care he needs on your own terms. As for your mum,she very much needs to be kept at arms length, take only what you need from her, you probably have a lot more power over her than you realise, she's critical of you because you hold a mirror up to her. Get rid of that negative mantra you are using - am I the problem? NO! Try - I am going to make a happy life for my child and me,full of positive things.
These pages are full of women who got out of a shitty situation and built something positive, you absolutely can do it, you've already started.

Jux Mon 01-Apr-13 05:17:20

She let you be abused, and minimised it.
She let you go to boarding school rather than herndealing with your abuser.
She is now housing two abusers with her gc in the house and her abused daughter.
She constantly undermines and insults you.

I know exactly who I think is the better mother, and it's not her.

I also know who your son is going to be better off with, and again, it's not her.

Once you've got some distance between you please don't let her pop round as and when. You need to spend as much time apart from her as you can.

Lavenderhoney Mon 01-Apr-13 06:17:13

Didn't want to read and run, but you sound a good mum to me. You have done well to stay so long, and of course you will manage in your new home with your lovely ds. And she wants you to stay for control. The house you are in sounds very stressful and nt being able to relax and leave your ds at all, even with her- who knows if when you are out she lets the fostered children play with your ds.

You are doing the right thing.

With regards to the calendar I would use a paper one I kept in my bag and keep my passwords changed. Plus could you print and then clear all her notes? Would she notice? It seems very odd she has kept dated notes.

Would it be a good idea would be to speak to your hv alone and discuss your concerns and move? I'm sure she would agree with you, plus if she has no concerns ( and you would know) then your mind might be at rest in that score as well, as some posters have expressed concern about her note taking, which might be worth thinking about.

AllOverIt Mon 01-Apr-13 07:13:52

I think you've spent so long being EA by her that you don't know what's real any more.

She has not been a good mother to you. She allowed you to be abused rather than protecting you. Any support she offers now is on her terms, she wants control of your son.

You are a good mum. As hard as it is, you need to separate yourself from her, for both your sakes.

GenevievePettigrew Mon 01-Apr-13 07:34:15

You are a fantastic mum. Seriously, if your mum came on here posting about you, the only way she'd get the responses you think would be if she lied. You on the other hand are much more fair and balanced and self-aware. Your little boy is so lucky to have you as his mum. And I'm so glad your mum's current situation means she can in no way challenge your right to parent him.

If you can stay with a friend the next few weeks, do so - but if you can't, please have faith in your own self as a mum and a person. If you wobble, come back here whenever you need to!

HollyBerryBush Mon 01-Apr-13 07:43:23

Ok. If your phones hadn't synced would have had any indication whatsoever that she felt this way about you?

You say you are in therapy, that in its self to some people is a 'red flag' regarding MH issues - and some people are dreadfully afraid of MH problems.

The job she has done for many years, fostering, will have brought her into contact with all manner of 'damaged' people. I suppose life in its self makes arm chair psychologists of us all (you only have to look at opinion on this forum to see everyone is an expert through their own experiences).

So, although you now have this information and it has hurt you, you were never intended to see it. Your mother has the right to her thoughts though. And until you heal yourself and learn to fully cope on your own, then she will have reservations. You seem to have steps in place to be doing this.

CheckpointCharlie Mon 01-Apr-13 11:04:26

How are you feeling this morning?

JustinBsMum Mon 01-Apr-13 16:44:04

She sounds horrible. How could she keep an abuser in the house because she'd 'fail' as a fosterer- fgs. It makes me wonder how much of a 'caring' fostermother she was when it sounds like what she wanted was the acclaim and admiration for being one, rather than actually caring for the wellbeing of her own children.

Your DB will just follow his DM's attitude of calling you a drama queen, because that's what we do, we assume the adults in our lives know better and take on their views. So ignore him.

There is nothing wrong with you. It is her. She is a narcissist /in denial. Your son needs you and he'll be fine without much of this GM in his life.

I hope you can move on and away from your DM and carve a lovely life for yourself and DS.

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