after nearly 4 years together we split in January, our little boy is 16months old.
He blames everything all on me and although I agree I'm not blameless in a rational head I don't agree its all my fault. I think we were incompatible and he stopped making an effort- we both did - we were more like friends who lived together than partners.
He had very little to do with our boy - so now when he has him and makes the effort to go out and stuff it really hurts - maybe if he did more of that when we were together.... sigh
Maybe once i became a mummy I wanted more support and love from him, reassurance I was doing a good job, someone who cared about me and had an input on important things.
I wanted to feel cared for and looked after rather than having to mother him as well as the baby. We argued constantly about money - him never having any - he never paid towards my mortgage, not an extra penny as 'rent' he is blacklisted so couldn't get finance so (stupidly) i bought him a car and laptop and his mobile phone - so far he's paying me for then - the car is at least in my name - but it was a massive conflict in our relationship - massive.
I went to see a counsellor last weekend and we start next week - I guess this post is to try and explore my thinking - maybe you'll all ask me some questions i hadn't thought of getting me used to opening up a bit.
I have a history of depression and although this isn't as severe as them I have to keep working or my bills wont get paid, and i have to get up everyday to look after my boy and he is the ONLY thing keeping me going at the moment.
A few friends know how I really feel but the majority of them dont understand, they listen and they mean well but I get silly things like 'I don't get why you are so upset'
I feel like such a failure, like its all my fault- like i've ruined three lives - and yes me and my ex both love our man and he wont know any different - its just so different to how I wanted it/my life to be.
Oh I dunno what I want - i miss him, but do I miss being with someone, having some adult company - or is it him - I just want to be looked after...
previous relationships before him
- 9 months with a complete insecure control freak
- 1 year long distance relationship who tried to sleep with my best friend
- 2 years with an alcoholic who didn't give a damn what I did
I think my past has defined me so much I haven't a clue what's right in relationships anymore.
I told my counsellor (private) that this is to give me the best change to 1) like myself again and 2) stop making the same mistakes again
Any thoughts or questions gratefully received.
thanks for reading.