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Advice/opinions appreciated

(91 Posts)
NutherChange Sun 31-Mar-13 16:21:51

Here are so facts so not too drip feed, but protect identity...

Been dating a guy for almost a year who is significantly younger than me.

I have DC's he does not, however, he says he does not want any of his own.

Relationship fantastic in most ways; he's honest, caring, good with children, good to me etc.

Problem is: After almost a year, I've not been introduced to any family or friends. I've confronted him several times (checked if his family are unhappy with age gap etc) he says everything is fine. Is this normal? I'm starting to think he's embarrassed or something.

He stays at my house almost every night so really don't think he's involved in any other relationship, never found any evidence of this.

So what's the problem?

NutherChange Sun 31-Mar-13 18:50:33

I'm not going to bother finding out why, like you say, he's clearly hiding something, let him hide it all. Nobody needs this in their life.

Rulesgirl Sun 31-Mar-13 18:54:01

I think its as simple as he is a bit embarresed by the age difference. You said as much when he introduced you as his girlfriend. But, he did introduce you as his girlfriend so maybe he can get over it. Its not that he doesn't want to be with you as he obviously does and he is quite happy to be seen with you in public so don't think hes hiding anything, but hes worried how others will judge him. Maybe hes insecure and wants to keep the relationship special and separate so to not spoil it.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sun 31-Mar-13 18:57:04

Chipping is right. This seems very very iffy to me. But the bottom line is, life is far too short to waste energy being made to feel like this.

Sounds to me that you are at a point where he either fully commits or you end it.

badinage Sun 31-Mar-13 19:00:13

A man's allegedly empty house can't 'judge' him for having an older partner.

The occupants might have something to say about it though. They are either his parents or his partner/kids I'd say.

NutherChange Sun 31-Mar-13 19:02:29

He lives with his parents.

On balance, I think the bottom line is he either does reveal his life or leave mine. If I'm honest it is making me feel horrible and I don't need that.

badinage Sun 31-Mar-13 19:05:27

I think all you can say is that he allegedly lives with his parents. You don't know that as fact.

Good call on what to do about this, though. Don't get fobbed off with some 'date in the future' where you get to meet the rest of his life.

Rulesgirl Sun 31-Mar-13 19:09:20

Has this man actually done anything wrong, hurt you, been horrible to your children or cruel in any way? If he hasn't then why must he be hiding something. He is seen out with you and introduces you so he is not hiding anything at all. Hes just insecure in himself and therefore scared to go public with an older woman.

NutherChange Sun 31-Mar-13 19:12:22

I hear what you are saying rulesgirl but in all honesty if that is the case then I think he needs to find a partner who is not embarrassed to be with. I don't mean that to sound harsh, but in the long run, he may well decide this for himself.

badinage Sun 31-Mar-13 19:29:12

It's not a woman's job to pander to an 'insecure' man who is willing to sleep in a woman's house, eat her food and make use of the resources on offer, but who doesn't think she merits meeting the other significant people in his life. Mind you, as ever this site is an eye opener that some women really do manage to convince themselves that men who do this are only motivated by insecurity, or a desire to keep a relationship special and separate [shocked]

I hope you're not too much out of pocket OP.

BumgrapesofWrath Sun 31-Mar-13 19:30:54

I was in a LTR with someone where I hadn't met his family and friends.

Turned out I was the OW. Despite him being round my house most nights, weekends away, holidays, he still had another life. I was shocked, how he justified his time with me I'll never know

NutherChange Sun 31-Mar-13 19:32:50

Not out of pocket thankfully, he's very generous, like I said in every other way it's a very good relationship, but not prepared to be kept as a separate part of somebody's life.

NutherChange Sun 31-Mar-13 19:35:39

shock bumgrapes like you I would be astounded if this were the case as he spends the vast majority of his time with me. Again, unless he reveals his life, it can't carry on, and it's things like this that make me realise that more and more.

badinage Sun 31-Mar-13 19:37:43

I confess I hear and read about women who find out sometimes years down the track that their partner is married - and think 'oh come on! The signs must have been all there!'

Is it really the case that some women have absolutely no suspicions or niggles about why they've never been to his house, met his family and friends?

Or is it a form of denial in the face of overwhelming evidence? I.e. if I'm not told about it, I'm in no way responsible?

NutherChange Sun 31-Mar-13 19:40:14

I had a friend who claimed this, and in her situ, I'm sorry but there was no way she could not have known. She let it carry on for 6 years! This is why after this long, I'm not prepared to carry on without knowing, it's too risky.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sun 31-Mar-13 20:04:33

Thing is, when he doesn't let you meet the relatives, go to family events's the automatic thing to assume, isn't it??

He probably is just a bit embarrassed but the doubt will always be lingering there, eating away.

That's no basis for a relationship (especially for your kids) however nice he is generally

NutherChange Sun 31-Mar-13 20:13:34

I'm 99.9% sure that he is not involved with anybody else. He speaks to parents/friends on the phone while with me and will say he's with me.

It's more than likely he is embarrassed by me in some way, which to me is unacceptable, in fact, it makes me feel quite sick. I don't understand why you would want to be with somebody you are embarrassed about.

Whatever the reason is, he knows it's bothering me and has not rectified it. To be honest, I was annoyed I even had to raise the issue to begin with.

I am upset, we've grown really really close and talk of the future on a daily basis. Guess I will have to chalk this one up to experience!

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sun 31-Mar-13 20:16:14


Always treat yourself with respect and expect the same from others xx

It's a tough call if he is otherwise lovely sad

Rulesgirl Sun 31-Mar-13 20:18:12

Badinage. It was just a suggestion as the OP seems to imply in every other way he is a good man who treats her well. We don't have to write all men off in the same way surely. Men are people too with problems and insecurities etc and not all monsters whatever your experience might be. To be honest, the op has been with him for a year, if it were me I think I would have had this out with him after the first month not let it ride for nearly a year. But I would have talked to him and explained how I felt and if he didn't change then I would have ended the relationship long before now.

NutherChange Sun 31-Mar-13 20:23:27

Rulesgirl I said I had confronted him on several occasions. You say you would had have ended it, but advised me not too on the basis of him being a nice guy but insecure.

Nobody said he was a monster, but every person, man or woman deserves to be treated with respect. The guy I'm with is without a doubt the loveliest guy I've ever met, but that does not excuse his treating me disrespectfully by being embarrassed to introduce me to his life.

Rulesgirl Sun 31-Mar-13 20:33:30

That is actually not what I said Nuther. I said that if it had been me I would have had it out with him after the first month and not let it ride for nearly a year and if he didn't change then I would have ended it long before a year had past.
People are implying that he is either married or leading a double life and that it is strange that he doesn't have a facebook account etc and other ways of saying that he is dodgy when it is probably just that its the age thing. You said you confronted him on several occasions but you let it continue.
I was just trying to show that as you have said he is a good man maybe its something that he could change if you gave him an ultimatum. As you seem to love him I just thought that maybe there was a way to sort it out. Always seems so much man bashing on these threads. Sorry if you were offended in any way. Hope you can find a way forward.

Fluer Sun 31-Mar-13 20:37:02

Sorry, got to agree with Rulesgirl on this. And with the man bashing too !!

NutherChange Sun 31-Mar-13 20:38:59

Thank you Rulesgirl and yes you're right I do love him, very much so, which is why I have tried my hardest to give him time to put this right. I asked for advice and opinions as I wanted to be sure I wasn't being paranoid.

NutherChange Sun 31-Mar-13 20:42:30

I think the man bashing is a matter of opinion. I know the difference between a good guy and a b@*t4r*, I was single for a number of years after being abused in the most disgusting way. This guy is a good guy, however, the time I spent on my own enabled me to see that life is better as a single woman, than in a relationship that makes you unhappy in any way.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sun 31-Mar-13 20:57:47

There's a good guy and there's a right guy.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sun 31-Mar-13 20:59:27

He can be a lovely as anything but to leave op feeling as she does...well she has said herself that this isn't right for her.

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