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You don't need to read this, I just need to type it out.

(39 Posts)
LeucanTheMopsis Sat 30-Mar-13 21:44:01

Because... although I'm trying very hard not to engage with my ex, which will just end up a you said/he said circular bout of frustration, the flipside of that is when do I ever get to say what I am feeling.

He lets loose every now and then, and I get another email implying that having thought about it, the time when I did [whatever it was], he's concluded I was probably just doing [something nasty, deceitful or selfish] wasn't I, and he offloads about how awful he's feeling, and how heartless I am to just be getting on with it.

And I read some of the nicer examples on here, and think how comfortable it must be to have a partner who doesn't go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on at you all the time, getting you to defend and justify yourself.

Well I've just had another batch, so here is my list of things I would like to scream to the heavens, but have to keep to myself ^because we are not together any more and there is no point saying these things to him^:

No, I didn't have an affair any of the times you accused me of it although you did it appears

No, I didn't 'coincidentally' dump you when I found a new job (implying what? I was keeping you around in case I wanted money?) - we had split up six months before I even applied.

No, I am not seeing someone else, and repeatedly telling me I am won't make it any more true.

We split up because you were violent to me. Because you were angry, aggressive, spiteful.

Yes, I know you were stressed. That has fuck all to do with it. I was in the same boat AND had to live with your shouting and raging and punching the doors in.

No, I am not mad. Nor am I being horrible to you. I am just not responding to emails other than the practical stuff.

No, I do not want vouchers through the post. I didn't send them back to make a spiteful 'point', but because you probably need them.

No, I don't know how much you loved me. Probably because you never actually showed it. Probably because you showed me the sort of behaviour you would use for people you despised.

No, I haven't been in contact with your ex.

No, I am not dead from the neck down, I just ceased finding you very attractive when you were bellowing in my face.

No, I am not 'punishing' you if I end a conversation because you're getting angry and incoherent.

No, I am not neurotic, and neither are my pets purely through proximity to me hmm.

No, I don't have to try to trust you. You're twice my size and you think it's ok to physically bully me. Even my amazing intellect creaked into action to tell me that I probably wasn't going to be able to fix this when the police were round for the third time.

Those slaps on the arse hurt. And every time I said so, you just did it harder the next time. I had to sidle around my own fucking home.

"I know that in the brief spells when I've treated you properly and not been acting like a selfish arse, nobody has ever made me feel happier than you.". Brief spells? I look back and I could cry my heart out at the effort I put in.

No, wait, I've already done that.

I read a thread earlier talking about 80% of something versus 100% of nothing. Nothing? Being able to come back to your own home without fretting about what mood one is going to encounter, or what 'wrong' one has done that day, is not 'nothing'. It's bloody well everything.

UnChartered Sat 30-Mar-13 21:48:32


you are amazing - that's really bloody good

Corygal Sat 30-Mar-13 21:50:06

Beautiful prose. You deserve so much more, hope you get it soonest.

Leverette Sat 30-Mar-13 21:51:24

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BeingAWifeIsNotForMe Sat 30-Mar-13 21:53:52

And breathe ((((((hugs))))))

Go for it, send it then delete him from your phone, email, life!!

He is still having a level of control over you, even from a distance.

I agree it's not 100% of nothing, it's regaining 100 % of your life flowers

goodfreyedaysusan Sat 30-Mar-13 21:55:06

yep, he is an arse. you on the other hand are doing fabulously.

thewhistler Sat 30-Mar-13 21:56:02

Honestly, put him on the list of people you really don't need to listen to any more.

Well done for being sane in such provocation.

Assertiveness v helpful if you need to say anything. Kind but firm,

" I'm sorry you feel like that/it appears like that to you. That's not how it appears to me."

Keep smiling and would send you buwine but am on phone.

LeucanTheMopsis Sat 30-Mar-13 21:58:17

That's very kind - you've reminded me of another:

No, I am not using 'long words' just to confuse you, I am trying to be as precise and honest as I can with the language I have.

He did like the old Dennis Waterman defence hmm

Thank you Being, strangely, I do feel as though I have breathed out now. I'm not going to send it - that was never the intention. It's utterly pointless. What he doesn't know, he makes up. What I tell him, he dismisses as lies if it doesn't fit with what he's made up. And so on...

Unfortunately, he's left something rather valuable here so I can't just block him because at some point we have to liaise over when he gets it removed.

LeucanTheMopsis Sat 30-Mar-13 21:59:48

Thanks for the wine, Whistler, but I'm already 3 glasses down, which is probably enough, given the... tense... mood that I'm in blush

Hissy Sat 30-Mar-13 22:01:27

Is there any reason at all why you need to have contact with this twat at all?

I'd ignore him if I were you. All bullies are like him, my ex was similar. The slaps etc, the worrying about the mood etc.

one thing you have to remind yourself is that this man has NO business knowing the ins and outs of your life. Your life IS your business, and none of his.

He is irrelevant, he is radio static.

Tune him out.

You are doing so well btw. Have you done the freedom programme? Have you tried any counselling? Anything and everything you do will help you heal and strengthed you.

Well done again, stay strong!

WorrySighWorrySigh Sat 30-Mar-13 22:02:10

Open yourself a new hotmail account and send what you posted, then close the account and walk away.

One other thing - print it out and hang it on your fridge (or wherever) and remind yourself why you arent interested in anything whineyarse has to say any more.

Hissy Sat 30-Mar-13 22:03:33

That valuable thing is his hook. Give him 10 days or you'll have it removed/disposed of.

Cut the ties.

Inertia Sat 30-Mar-13 22:11:52

Beautifully written. Sounds as though he underestimates your strength and intelligence (though clearly he has more major failings than that).

Can you arrange to have the valuable thing taken to a neutral third party to hand over? Because he sounds like the sort of man to never have contact with again. You don't mention children with him; if that's the case you can delete him from your life.

LeucanTheMopsis Sat 30-Mar-13 22:13:45

Well, Hissy, not any more. Thing is, he's genuinely miserable, genuinely hurting, has been going to counseling and is beginning to grasp why. But it's too late for me - the time apart has shown me just how endlessly anxious I was all the time. And I can't get over the big question for me, which is he says he knew he was being horrible, so:

a) he knew, but it didn't matter as long as I'd put up with it (thanks!)
b) he knew, and didn't like it, but wasn't going to get around to changing unless something awful happened (thanks!)

I arranged counseling for him twice: the first time he didn't bother going at all; the second, he went once, came home and said it was crap, and didn't go again.

So I really believe it's a). Which means although he is genuinely miserable, I don't have to prop it up anymore, which coincidentally, is something he said more than once to me - that if his taking his anger out on me made him feel better, then I should want to do that for him confused

LeucanTheMopsis Sat 30-Mar-13 22:18:56

Erm, sort of done the Freedom Programme online blush, but am ashamed to say that after about six sessions of Name The Twat, I didn't find categorising twats was really helping blush.

Hissy and Inertia - it can't be moved easily, and he has the ownership papers, so he'll have to do it. He mentioned it recently, so my hopes are rising it may happen soon.

Inertia Sat 30-Mar-13 22:22:10

Leucan, don't expend braintime on feeling sorry for him or worrying about how he is going to deal with his problems. He lost the right to your support when he hit you, shouted at you, lied to you, accused you of things you hadn't done.

Have you thought about counselling for yourself, so that you can open up to somebody neutral about how this abusive relationship has affected you?

LeucanTheMopsis Sat 30-Mar-13 22:25:55

Can't afford it, genuinely.

It actually feels silly complaining about it all on here, and I've been wondering why I needed to. I think it's because I've had his voice in my ears for so long telling me how things are - trying to tell me how things should be - that I really really needed to wave a little tangible flag of reality to the outside world, instead of just keeping it all in my head.

Inertia Sat 30-Mar-13 22:27:04

I think I'd be tempted to write/ email him saying that you will only enter into discussion with him to arrange removal of the valuable thing, and any other contact will be regarded as harassment and reported to the police.

He's still trying to bully and control you- and I suspect that you'll get messed about a lot over the removal of his property, because once it's gone he has no "excuse" to continue to mess with your head.

LeucanTheMopsis Sat 30-Mar-13 22:27:34



Not Drowning But Waving.

I've always wanted to use that.

LeucanTheMopsis Sat 30-Mar-13 22:29:54

Ah. You know what, Inertia, I think you're right. I'm a bit apprehensive of the level of effort that may be involved in getting this property away. Which is why I've just left it to him to get fed up and decide to remove it.

Hissy Sat 30-Mar-13 22:34:09

You are minimising what's been done to you.

I understand, and get why you thought what you did about the freedom programme, yes it's not the golden bullet you hope for, but it IS kind of like brainwashing you back out of the abusive fug these dreadful men create.

His misery may or may not be real, but in any event, it's his to deal with. You are not responsible for his feelings. Not at all.

He deserves to feel miserable. He is miserable.

Keep going OP, and ask the Dr if they can refer you for some counselling.

You need to re-invest in YOU. You really are worth it.

Inertia Sat 30-Mar-13 22:45:58

It's completely understandable that you want to be able to tell the world your version of the truth- it sounds as though he forced you to accept his distorted version of the truth (and actual lies) during the relationship, and he's still trying to twist everything now. It's not silly to talk about it- probably better to talk about it on here where we'll listen and accept what you say, rather than attempting to get any kind of rational conversation going with your ex.

The outside world (well, me at least) thinks you have done a fantastic job in escaping from this man. You come across as smart, clever and strong- far too good for him, which is probably why he tried to beat you into submission.

Do you have anybody IRL who'd be understanding if you talked to them about how you feel?

LeucanTheMopsis Sat 30-Mar-13 22:46:37

Oh, I don't know, Hissy. I have worked my way out from under the whole 'if you loved me you would persevere while I'm trying to change - and since you're not persevering you obviously don't love me' accusation. That's just too... tangled to get drawn into.

I don't feel responsible any more - a great deal of sadness, and pity, and regret, but I just don't want any more drama. I was always brought up to believe that if you put yourself first, you were unbelievably selfish. But all by my very grown up self, I have decided that in exceptional circumstances, I am allowed to say enough is enough.

LeucanTheMopsis Sat 30-Mar-13 22:51:39

Well, I'm obviously not all that, or I wouldn't have stayed in such an increasingly miserable situation. However, having done it once, I am as sure as sure can be that it will never happen again - because I know now where it leads to, and it is not redemption, reformation, cupids and bliss.

MintChocCh1p Sat 30-Mar-13 22:54:19

You don't have kids?

Then there is no reason to be engaging with him on any level whatsoever surely?

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