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Difficult ex and children(4 Posts)
Hi, hoping someone can give me some advice. I've name changed as I don't want to be recognised and I'm shortening a long and upsetting story of relationship breakdown.
In oct 2011 found out my H had been cheating on me and not for the first time as we had 'recovered' from him having an affair 10 years previously. He left but in discussions we had afterwards he admitted to cheating for a long time and I don't even know with how many women. We have 3 children so at first I tried to be amicable but finally I realised that he had been EA and coupled with his angry outbursts, scary driving with whole family in the car etc i realised OW had done me a massive favour.
The start of 2012 really was crap including death of a very close relative of mine and I almost felt I was going insane with the selfish antics of H. Some v similar to men described by others on here. However I feel I turned a corner, became stronger, took my children abroad for Christmas and moved nearer to my family.
H meanwhile moved in with OW and her children (she'd introduced him to her children before I even knew about the affair). Unknown to me he'd also introduced our youngest child to OW and taken him 50 miles away to stay at her house only a matter of months after leaving.
My issue now is that I cannot co-parent with H because of his damaging actions and in fact only communicate with him by text or email. It has taken me nearly a year of counselling to deal with things that happened and I would be happy never to see him again. My eldest child is an adult now and doesn't live with me, middle child is 14 and doesn't want to see H. But I hate the fact that I have to still communicate with him re our youngest who is 9. H is a crap dad who wasn't around when the children needed him and has continued to upset the children. He simply doesn't seem to have any empathy and is selfish. I feel stupid for not seeing it sooner - recognise a lot from the Lundy book.
I hate that I have to have even minimal contact with him as he's forever accusing me of playing games any time he can't have things exactly his way. He's frequently late for pick-ups and drags his heels if asked about arrangements.
Can anyone suggest what i need to do to stop him having any effect on me? I can't wait till youngest child is old enough to make arrangements to see H.
Communicate only by email. Only communicate about times, places for drop off and essential education/medical matters. Never respond to any other subjects he raises, positive or negative. Keep it short and factual even if he writes screeds.
I used to 'translate' my ex's emails to work out all the insults and veiled messages in them. Now I just give a quick scan and can usually pick out the important bits and totally ignore the rest.
I don't like him or value his opinion... Why would I waste my time reading ...or worrying about what he's got to say?
My kids seem fine. There's actually very little that you need to share with your ex when you are co parenting.
Re arrangements. Try to have an agreement for several weeks at least. I am quite inflexible with my allotted time but if DH suggests anything that involves me having more time with DCs or that suits me I agree. I do occasionally agree to switch weekends but only again with notice...or if it suits me.
My ex has complained about my inflexibility..but he has also threatened me with a court order for specific times...when he is the only one who ever makes changes or breaks agreements.
It works best for us (kids and me) when there is as little room for manoeuvre as possible.
I drop kids off every week with him but for coming back he drops them at school and they come to me from school. That works well. I don't have to see him or rely on him. Maybe something you can consider. I do have a pantomime every now and then still when he 'forgets' to drop off the kids' bags.
Thank you both for your comments. I've learned a lot from reading on here. I suppose to a degree I identify some of what women like skybluesapphire is going through because its hard that someone you loved turns out to be so crap. You just keep hoping that one day they will be reasonable and fair.
I hoped for so much more for our children as my own childhood wasnt brilliant. And it's hard to understand why they are so angry and unpleasant even after leaving. You'd think H would be ok now that he's got the woman and life he chose.
I feel disappointed in myself that even now I get an emotional reaction to his comments. I want to reprogramme myself so I can just laugh at his silly rubbish. I'm supposed to be an intelligent, strong, professional woman. Why the hell did I let someone treat me like that.
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