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OMG, my Dad is a complete arse!

(13 Posts)
feesh Sat 30-Mar-13 10:17:25

I always kinda knew this, but he's just come to visit me for the first time since I had my babies (twins who are 16 weeks old) and I've only just realised what a crap father he was. I mean I knew, but it's really brought it home and I think how did my Mum let him get away with it?!

He's like a child and he is stroppy, he constantly talks over me, is not in the slightest bit interested in ANYTHING I have to say, he is much more interested in my dog than the twins (and keeps making snidey comments to the dog, like "They're not looking after you very well are they?"), he laughs at the babies (in a mocking way) and if he talks at them it sounds quite aggressive (no wonder I was scared of him a bit when I was little)...but the real clincher is that whenever I ask him to do or not do something, he throws a strop and actually refuses point blank, sometimes throwing his toys out of the pram in the process. I have been asking him nicely, so I am sure it's him and not me IYSWIM.

Specifically, it's been when I've been feeding the babies and asked him to just give us 10 minutes before doing x,y or z (because the babies are really easily distracted at the moment and feeding them is, erm, challenging to say the least), or I've been about to get the babies off to sleep and he's making some noise and I've asked him to leave whatever it was he was doing until later. The response is always arsey and stroppy and oftem results in him storming off, or defiant (they need to get used to a bit of noise etc).

He's basically a total arse and I am feeling really depressed. I feel like I don't want to ever see him again. He's here till Wednesday and then I won't see him again till July.

I just think, he's not really interested in his grandchildren and it makes me feel quite angry towards him that he was so uninvolved with me when I was a baby (I had lots of serious medical problems and I know mum had to deal with it on her own, but why she let him act like he did and didn't leave him until I was 18 I will never know).

I've read the toxic parents books recommended on here before, mostly because of my relationship with my Mum, but now I'm starting to wonder if it's my Dad that is my biggest issue.

purplewithred Sat 30-Mar-13 10:22:29

Sigh. Afraid he does sound like a spoilt brat. Hope you can minimise contact.

MildDrPepperAddiction Sat 30-Mar-13 10:32:01

If he's upsetting you and your twins ask him to leave. You need support and help not a grown up child to mind.

feesh Sat 30-Mar-13 10:44:17

I wish I could ask him to leave, but it's 3000 miles to get him back home again.

I feel so sad when he holds them - it's clear he's never really held a baby before and I think, did you not give me any cuddles when I was a baby?

GingerJulep Sat 30-Mar-13 11:25:49

Well, plenty of adults are unfamiliar with babies.

And, given that this will have been some time ago, he may well have not been /expected/ to spend much of his time on child care, for example if he was out working while your mum stayed home with the new baby (you).

Having overnight guests can lead to friction at any time. Having overnight guests you don't have a close relationship with (I'm guessing this is the case from the tone of your post and the 3000 miles) when you have new twins is going to be difficult WHOEVER they are.

Cut yourself, and your dad, some slack.

You probably ARE neglecting him, and the dog, more than you would if you didn't have new twins. I doesn't mean you're wrong. But he could well be feeling he has come a long way to see you/the babies and is being shushed and ignored.

Try asking him if he'd mind taking the dog for a walk around the block next time you want him to go away/be quiet?

It will allow him to be useful and get him out of your hair.

Everyone else around, even the babies, are in pairs. He is alone. As is the dog. If the pairing can be made to work for both I'd encourage it!

RobotLover68 Sat 30-Mar-13 21:22:48

My dad did exactly the same when my sister had her first DS - he told her he was jealous of the attention my newborn DN was getting hmm tosser

Creameggkr Sat 30-Mar-13 21:35:56

I could be your sister op. my dad is the same. Doesn't listen to a thing I say just wants to brag and boast about himself.
He has never been in my life much and now he is getting old expects to act as if we are normal.
I don't even like him to be honest. He's racist and bigoted and a total sexist pig.
He gets really annoyed when I forget his birthday or Father's Day but never once remembers my birthday or the chikdren.
He's a knob and I avoid all contact.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Sat 30-Mar-13 22:30:20

He needs to grow up and stop being so selfish, but probably far too late for that.
I am betting he is much much harder work than your twins!
You have two choices, either grin and bear it, or ask him to book himself in to a B&B if he finds being with his lovely family so difficult.
Good luck!

AdoraBell Sat 30-Mar-13 22:45:28

I might be able To answer 1 thing for you. My father was abusive and my mother stayed until I (being the youngest) finished school so as not To ruin my educación by breaking up the family. Did you by any chance leave school at 18? There used To be much moré stigma To leaving a bad marriage than there is now.

Try To ignore his tantrums and snide remarks and concentrate on enjoying your twins. I have twins too, feeding is a little challenging, isn't it?

Congratulacións thanks

Machli Sat 30-Mar-13 22:55:28

Some parents don't like their children having children of their own because it is out of their control. It means that the main family relationship will now be with the kids instead of with them and their children will be proper adults with proper adult responsibilities and they won't get much say. They will also have to change how they perceive their children and they don't like that because they like to be unchallenged Top Dog.

It's a huge change that SOME parents struggle to deal with, usually these parents were pretty shit parents who aren't very nice people in general.

You will find that until Dad gets told to sort himself out and or STFU in no uncertain terms this kind of behaviour will continue. It's prolonged sulking and best nipped in the bud pronto.

Beckamaw Sat 30-Mar-13 22:56:59

I can't help OP, and I'm sorry your Dad is such a selfish pig. You, and your babies deserve a lot better. sad

I do think this thread is a brilliant one for clarity for those staying with a total tosser 'for the sake of the kids'.

To those ladies ^ that is why you need to LTB.

feesh Sun 31-Mar-13 18:38:57

Thanks all. Yes I agree, please nobody stay with your DH for the sake of the kids. It just makes your kids lose all respect for you and possibly leads to them having damaging relationships later in life (I am very lucky in that respect, although with hindsight I do think I spent my teenage years seeking male approval in a very unhealthy way).

I've noticed as well that if the babies are resting in their bouncy chairs in the lounge, and he's sat there watching TV and one starts crying, he just completely ignores them! Sits there staring at the TV as if nothing is happening! I mean, WTF?! A couple of times I've asked him to pick up a crying baby for me when I've been struggling to calm the other one and he's said no (once when he wanted to watch the weather forecast and another time when he wanted to finish his cup of tea first).

It reminds me of when I was little and we couldn't go out until the Grand Prix had finished, and I was shouted at for talking to him in the middle of the race.

I can't be arsed any more. We go weeks without speaking to eachother, and even then it's because I text him and ask him to go on Skype. No more. And especially not when the babies get older, I don't want them to see how he speaks to me.

The only problem is my Mum, who is riddled with Catholic guilt and spends her whole life talking about "shoulds" and "ought tos" - she will try and guilt me into getting in touch with him.

She still maintains an air of friendship with him, even though she can't stand him, it's so utterly false and f-cked up.

mathanxiety Sun 31-Mar-13 22:08:27

Quite often when you have your own babies you can feel very raw about your own childhood and seeing your parents with your baby brings back a lot of emotion.

Your dad really does sound quite horrible. How long will he be staying?

Ignore your mum's guilt. To some extent this inadequate father and grandfather is her creation. It doesn't look as if he will feel hard done by if he doesn't have much to do with your life or your babies' lives.

Don't invite him to stay again. Let him make the running in this relationship if he wants to. If he makes no effort, then grieve for the might have beens and see if you can fill your life with positive and loving friends, maybe even a substitute grandparent for your DCs.

shock at the Grand Prix thing -- those stupid races go on for hours, round and round the circuit hundreds of times..

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