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do I go back - not coping on my own

(56 Posts)
rotool Fri 29-Mar-13 21:52:44

I have left emotionaly abusive relationship.
I went to a refuge in January. ex-p started court proceedings to get me back in the area so the children would return to their school and succeeded.
I moved in with a friend with my children whilst looking for a property. I have found a property and have tenancy agreement etc...I have no money as I lost my job when I left to go to the refuge. I have been turned down for a community grant. I get tax credits and have signed on at the job centre but get no money from ex-p and until financial hearing cannot get anything from the house. The new house is unfurnished and I can't move into it as have no beds,sofa etc.
Children have been spending the first part of the holidays with the dad and are coming back to me on Sunday expecting to be in the new house.
I can't stop crying, everything has gotten so hard.
When I went to the refuge I was told I would get so much help but there really is nothing out there.
I have swapped one crap life for another.
He wants me to go back, I don't know what to so, I don't feel as though I have much choice then to go back but I have spent 14 months trying to get away.

izzyizin Fri 29-Mar-13 23:25:01

"I keep telling myself that I will look back in 6 months time and wonder why I was so unhappy"

The power of mumsnet is such that you'll be looking back in 6 weeks, if not 6 days, time wondering why you were so unhappy at the prospect of moving into your own home - a place where you will be free to be you and your dc can be themselves and you can live without fear.

Help is on the way and in the meantime sign up to freecycle and do please get back to the refuge and let them know you need urgent practical support to get your new home habitable for your dc.

QuintEggSensuality Fri 29-Mar-13 23:35:08

Well done for leaving! smile

Please dont go back. Remember why you left!
Do you have clothes for the boys? Bedding etc? Beds for them to sleep in?

GalaxyAddict Fri 29-Mar-13 23:38:57

I just had a look on Gumtree and in the freebie section in the Swindon area, there are a few sofas, and a mattress. Have you spoken to the local Salvation Army, they may be able to help?

cq Sat 30-Mar-13 00:31:04

Too far away to help with stuff.hmm

But I do a shift in our local charity shop and I know they're open every day over the holiday weekend so no reason why yours wouldn't be.

Def try Salvation Army, I've given loads of stuff to them before so they'd better bloody help you when you need them.

Keep going, baby steps forward - NEVER back.

Keep us posted.

jayho Sat 30-Mar-13 06:58:33

I'm going to Bath to my Ma's today. she's having a clear out as downsizing. I'll see if she's got bedding, curtains towels etc/anything and pm you x

ChompieMum Sat 30-Mar-13 07:22:24

Op can you do a list of what you need? Then anyone nearby with spare things can see what they can help with. I will be passing through on Sunday. Also everyone try to bump so more people will see this.

verity07 Sat 30-Mar-13 07:33:51

A list sounds like a good start.

I found this facebook site For free, Sale or Wanted that's the Cirecencester one but there's a Swindon one too. Over a 1000 members on each so hope that's useful.

baskingseals Sat 30-Mar-13 07:42:13

rotool - you've nearly nearly done it. keep going. look forward.
and bloody well done for getting out it the first place.

wishing you all the good things.

Alwayscheerful Sat 30-Mar-13 07:46:29

Bump. We will all help.

Bossybritches22 Sat 30-Mar-13 07:49:44

Another one wishing you luck.

Ignore his calls. Keep any comms between you to minimum& about the kids.

The rest will get sorted you'll be amazed what folks have that they don't want to dump but can't sell. Try freecycle in several areas don't buy unless you absolutely have to.

Keep posting for support can do it!

maleview70 Sat 30-Mar-13 07:55:50

"he has everything and I have nothing"

This is not correct at all.

He doesn't have everything because he doesn't have you!

You have one thing that is more important than all the possessions and money in the world.....freedom from abuse.

Goig back to him involves sleeping with him again.....could you really face sleeping with a man you can't stand?

Stay strong and the good times will come again!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 30-Mar-13 08:02:01

"He's carrying on his life and I have nothing."

You have your freedom. It's tough going and you'll need to dig deep in the face of this onslaught of bullying he's subjecting you to, but he can't take that away. Be strong.... demand help from agencies, call in favours, use every bit of your resourcefulness to get over this temporary hurdle. When you do, you'll gain such confidence from the experience. There will be nothing you can't tackle in future. Whatever you do, don't give in to the bully.

Good luck

Chooster Sat 30-Mar-13 08:09:56

If you are still on here rotool pm me with your details. I have boys around the age of yours and have toys from a clear out and can send to you

samsonthecat Sat 30-Mar-13 08:36:08

I have a kitchen table and some chairs if you would like them. I'm in Malvern but I'd be happy to drive them down to you. How old are your dc? I may also have some toys depending on their ages.
You can do this, you have the power of mumsnet behind you. My decree absolute came last week and I promise that looking back at how hard it was it really is worth it. I am happier now than I have ever been and my dc have a happy mum.
Pm me if you would like the things and good luck smile

BrunellaPommelhorse Sat 30-Mar-13 08:38:11

Op I often have nice boys clothes I can post. I have three sons..!
If you dm me your address we are due a sort out. Are fashionable often barely worn.
I normally iron and pop to the local refuge.

BrunellaPommelhorse Sat 30-Mar-13 08:38:49

Also. Contact your local active church. They'll have loads of help.

Kat101 Sat 30-Mar-13 08:45:47

I am 45 mins away. We have a coffee table going spare. Might have 2 airbeds also. Def have spare towels going free. There is a charity called The Besom based in Witney that will furnish an empty house for you free, try them - they might do or know who covers your area. Citizens Advice Bureau definitely - no-one gets any money first try any more, but the vast majority of appeals are a success. They also have emergency food parcels.

You are not at rock bottom, you are on the way up. Rock bottom was being trapped with an EA man. You have options to start building a better life. It will get better.

TeenyW123 Sat 30-Mar-13 09:33:30

Just bumping. Can't help, sorry. X


anonacfr Sat 30-Mar-13 10:14:54

Same as Teeny but wanted to bump and tell you how brave you are. Your boys are so lucky to have you.

ljny Sat 30-Mar-13 12:49:23

wanted to bump and tell you how brave you are. Your boys are so lucky to have you
^ ^ ^ ^ ^

Too far away to help. wish I were closer. Don't go back, your ex is a pile of shit - sitting in his comfy house while you and the children struggle. Shows what he's like. Hang on in there, honey, this is a bumpy patch - you and the kids will have such a better life without him.

Lovingfreedom Sat 30-Mar-13 12:53:16

Wow...Good thread. OP you see how many people are rooting for you and offering help. Good luck. You can do it!

moonabove Sat 30-Mar-13 13:15:09

Just wanted to say how much I admire you for having the guts to get out. It's only natural to find this phase hard but it won't be forever - in a while you will have made a comfortable loving new home for you and the dc.

Staying with your ex will be a much more long-term misery - what a complete bastard to watch you struggle and try to manipulate you to come back, you were so right to leave him.

Very best luck to you flowers

TimeForMeAndDD Sat 30-Mar-13 13:44:17

I've been where you are OP, I left refuge after four months with nothing, no job, no money, moving into a council house that could only be described as a disgusting hovel. Every single day I used to think about going back to my ex because what lay ahead seemed such a huge thing and impossible to achieve, but every single day I would also tell myself I would 'see how I feel tomorrow' because I knew going back to the abuse would be far worse, living in the hovel with nothing was temporary, it would get better with time and effort, going back to him would have been a life sentence.

Fast forward to now, exactly 3 years later, I have a lovely home, I have a job, a car and a very happy life with my DD. It's not been easy, it's been a bloody hard slog and even I don't know where I found the strength that got me where I am today but I did it, and you can do it too.

Contact your refuge and ask for the floating support that they offer after you leave refuge. Also ask about the Frank Buttle trust who give families in crisis a grant. I got a cooker from them, my refuge sorted all that out for me. Everything else I needed I got as I went along, it took a while but I got there in the end. It's not been easy by any means but bloody hell it's been worth it. Try not to think of the hill you have to climb, just start climbing it, because climbing that hill will lead you to a much better life than going back to your abusive ex.

Loulybelle Sat 30-Mar-13 14:56:18

Starting from the ground up is scary, but starting with your, identity, dignity, and sense of worth, is invaluable.

Your starting again, but atleast what you build on will be yours and your DS's and no one elses.

There are shops, websites, try CAB, anything, get anything you can, you'll make it, just dont be afraid to seek it out.

Crunchymunchyhoneycakes Sat 30-Mar-13 15:14:31

Just want to wish you well, too far away to offer practical help but sending positivity and good wishes your way. Things won't always be as hard as they are today, a day at a time things will get better.

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